What makes marraiges last

by desib77 88 Replies latest jw friends

  • franklin J
    franklin J

    one never knows....

    My marriage has lasted 18 years and my wife and I both consider ourselves lucky. We have had rough times as does every relationship. We have both worked hard at making our relationship work. Communication; respect for each others privacy and perspectives; and just being friends. But both parties have to work at it.

    My parents were married 60 years ( to each other) and their relationship , by all outward appearences, was just like an episode out of "Ozzie & Harriet". They were the sweet couple you saw waltz like "Fred Astair and Ginger Rogers" across the dance floor; smiling; and holding hands walking down the park lane.

    At the time of my fathers passing last year; it came to my attention ( very dramatically at his hospital bed) that my father had a girlfriend; and my mother was aware of it; and "tolerated" it. It was further shocking to me to learn that several years ago my mother had taken a boyfriend. ( my father also knew; and was not so happy; but also tolerated it). Mind you this all happened after our departure from the JWs. ( At least that I know of )

    I was in a mild state of shock discussing this with my wife . We took it in stride. Who am I to question my parents relationship? It lasted for 60 years and I have no doubt they loved each other and myself and siblings? who am I to question or criticize their choices for their relationship? Or what is required for the dynamics of their relationship? It was worked long before I came onto the scene.

    to the topic; whatever works for two people---it may vary from one relationship to another. Based on my experience to date---Communication is the key; honesty and commitment. The rest are details.

  • GentlyFeral
    GentlyFeral

    Well, I've been married for going on 31 years, and we both went polyamorous almost 8 years ago. Sometimes I worry about it shaking our marriage, but it's always a false alarm.

    And I haven't been able to figure out how the hell we do it. So I've been looking at y'all's posts as sorta checklists.

    I think cyber-sista said it best. Not only love, forgiveness and faithfulness (loyalty, not exclusiveness), but ALSO leaving plenty of room for individuality. And taking the opportunity to be individual.

    Be devoted to your spouse, fer sure. But, you know, be a Trekkie or hotrod fanatic or history buff or scuba diver or surrealist or raconteur or activist or gourmet chef who is devoted to your spouse.

    GentlyFeral

  • Fleur
    Fleur

    well...it's very important that you stop dating other people...some folks miss that point.

    seriously though, as someone who had a horrible first marriage that lasted several years and has now had a wonderful one that is closing in on the amount of time i was married to the first guy...i can say that the one of the biggest differences is that in my second marriage, there is no headship arrangement; we are each full partners. we both take responsibility for the health and peace of the family, our marriage, and ourselves. he respects the work i do in the home (i'm too ill to hold a job anymore outside) and he knows how much effort it takes me to do even the simplest tasks, and he's grateful for everything i can do. but if i have a day where i just can't, he knows when its time to order take out/ throw in some laundry/fold the towels.

    he also does housework on top of the fact he works outside the home. i think not being raised a jw, going away to college and having to take care of himself and such helped that a lot. he does dishes, takes out trash, and hauls laundry bushels up and down so i don't risk falling by doing it myself.

    so guys, if you want your wife to be happy, don't be afraid to get into some housework. believe me, it will save you a lot of nagging which is more time consuming lol. i don't ever have to nag my husband, though. and when its time for him to vegg out in front of a game on tv, i don't complain, cause i know he needs some time to himself.

    we both have hobbies that are based around the house and that helps too lol.

    in the seven years i've known him, he has never once said anything unkind to me. not once. never intentionally tried to hurt my feelings; and that is something that has been such a change after my abusive ex. it is so easy to be married to him, and to return the same kindness to him, i could never look at him and say something mean on purpose, i just couldn't do it.

    we both do our best, every day, and i think that is the real secret. your best will vary from day to day, but you have to try to do it.

    i hope everyone seeking love finds the real thing!!!

    hugs

    fleur

  • Corvin
    Corvin

    Two very important rules have worked for me and my Mary.

    1. Ask your self on a daily basis "what can I contribute to this relationship", not "what am I going to get out of it".

    2. No matter how bad things get, no matter how mad or upset, no matter what kind of an argument upi might have with your mate, NEVER EVER EVER threaten the end of the relationship.

    Corvin

  • Princess
    Princess
    He learned about 10 years ago that it was MUCH easier for him in the mornings if he just let me sleep. I hated having to get up to pack his lunch, make his breakfast, and converse, when I had chronic insomnia, just because "it was my job". My attitude greatly improved after that.

    Glad he didn't figure that our when we were kids. We would have gone to school hungry with empty lunch boxes.

    Steve and I are going on 16 years next month. He knows now that the toilet paper goes over the top and learned very quickly that there is a lid on the toilet for a reason. Just like you don't leave the door open on the car, you don't leave the lid open on the toilet.

    Seriously, he is my best friend and I can't imagine life without him.

  • Dan-O
    Dan-O
    Ask your self on a daily basis ...

    "What did I do to anger the G Hoover so much that I am to be punished like this?"

    Then reflect on your past and say "Oh, yeah ... it could have been any of a number of things."

  • Billygoat
    Billygoat

    I've only been married 19 months, so it's not like I'm a pro to give advice. But Neil and I are still very much on our honeymoon. I think a lot of it has to do with realizing that love is not always a warm fuzzy. It's a choice. Every day I have a choice to LOVE my husband by saying kind words or I can make the choice by being unloving and bitchy. Even those days where I don't feel like being nice, it's always MY choice. Not his. He chooses to love me back even if warm fuzzies aren't there too.

    That and the fact that he truly is my best friend and I his. Loving him is really easy.

  • LittleToe
    LittleToe

    Rachel:
    Paper over the top?
    Noooooo!!!
    That's just plain wrong!

  • IronGland
    IronGland
    she really appreciated was that I always put the toilet lid down - LOL.

    Why is it any harder for you to put it down than it is for us to lift it?

  • desib77
    desib77
    Why is it any harder for you to put it down than it is for us to lift it?

    You use it both ways, up and down......we only use it down...since you complicate the situation you should be the one who has to put it down....

    Desi

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