I didn't mention my 18 year-old stepson. However, I am not the parent they live with. They live with the JW mum... and they tell me all the stuff they don't tell her because I react in a reasonable way. And I don't think you are normally unreasonable; it's certainly not the impression I've got from your posts.
When my children were living with their JW mother and stepfather, I got to hear about all the restrictions, the hypocrisy, the double standards, etc. . . . I am determined to make sure they now have some semblance of a normal life . . . but what is normal anyway? She has been given much freedom and lattitude in her choices and preferences and you don't know anything.
Have you never had to set boundaries and stood your ground with your 18 yo stepson even though it makes you want to cry and give in when they react with hatred and disrespect, harsh words and manipulation tactics that only a teenager could throw at a parent they are confident that loves them so much just to get their way. I have stood my ground with my kids eventhough it nearly broke my heart. I know I have done the right thing when at length that child comes back to me in tears and apologizes, admitting to their temporary insanity while throwing their arms around me in regret and sorrow. A kid will sometimes resort to most hurtful tactics to get what they want.
We are talking about music that sets a tone contrary to the atmosphere my Mary and I work our asses off to create in this house. Nobody gets to bring anything into this house that underminds that, not even me.
My point about NIN, Nirvana, etc. wasn't re. your policy of censoring their music. It was about whether you practise what you preach in terms of appropriate music... of should that be 'music that debases'. If you will argue you are old enough not to be influenced by music, drive to work listening to Appetite for Destruction, and then borrow a shiny drinks coaster by The Lighthouse Family and do the same. Time your trips. If there's a difference, then maybe you need to follow your own council!
What ARE you talking about?
Do you read all their books? To be consistent, you should, even if it's a bother. Likewise, do you screen all their TV viewing? Just censoring their music because you can hear it when you go by their rooms still leaves plenty of scope for violence.
As a matter of fact, I am current on all of their reading materials. If they are reading a book I have already read, the situation lends itself to some pretty awesome conversations and stimulating dialogue. If I have not read a book they are reading, chances are that Mary has. Otherwise, I at least read reviews or summaries of the material if time does not permit me to read the entire publication. I do not object to controversial material when it goes a bit further than just vile language and solutionless angst.
Oh... and don't let her read Sylvia Plath, or most other poetry for a start!
Now you're just being a smart-ass. Sylvia Plaths works tell a profound story. Plath's literary accomplishments contrast with her inability to manage her emotional states of mind and her personal relationships. I can educate my kids with a story like this, but how do you elaborate and expand a child's mind with lyrics, that first of all, make no sense and are a plagiarized clutter of cliches and buzz-words that emerge from the hectic static of bar chords like cryptic messages aimed at baffled youth. It is too gay for words and not based in any sort of reality. I've listened to these songs and I have asked my daughter to elaborate on its meaning. She can expand and speak of many things when it comes to real poetry and music, but is suddenly at a loss of intelligent thought and speech when it comes to that garbage. 'Nuff said.
I also wonder if you make sure your kids don't watch violent movies. If you do let them watch them, I'm sure they have already discussed the contradiction between themselves (as they will have if you listen to violent music).
I have MTV blocked on both TV sets in our home. I sit and watch VH-1 with them. We watch movies that contain violence. The thing about movies that contain violence is that the antagonist usually gets what they deserve and their demise is so blatantly justified that even a mindless person can get it, and dialogue can and usually does insue about the reality and likelyhood of such behavior. No such dialogue will come about with some of the music my daughter has chosen.
Thing with kids is "yes dad" doesn't neccesarily mean they agree or even respect your opinion, as you've found out with the navel piercing.
They rarely do when it comes to doing something you say no to.
Do you think if you were more willing to enter into a genuine discussion your daughter would have acted this way? Or was it her fear you'd just say no, because you can, without considering it that lead to the deceit? Oh, and if she'll do that with her navel, she'll do that with the CD and I doubt you'll know it until she has her own place and she makes sure it's playing when you come in... I'd rather be unhappy knowing she was doing something (within reason) I had doubts about than not know she was doing the same thing.
Heh, heh, what you have yet to learn is that no matter what you do, how you do it, how you say what you say, or how much of a pal you try to be to your kids, you ultimately have to be the parent, sometimes what they perceive as their greatest enemy, no matter how you try to explain, communicate, reason or hold out such a prospect for them at a more appropriate age, they will rebel and test the boundaries. They will sometimes make foolish dissapointing decisions based on their inexperience and unrealistic expectations of life and people (usually propagated to them by garbage mediums in music and TV) and do the opposite of what you ask and expect. Reasonableness does not include consenting to whatever they want during the whimsicle years of their teenage life. What she does when she is out of the house and on her own, I am sure will for the most part, reflect the values and love she received from her parents while she was at home. I suppose I won't have much to say about it when she is on her own, now will I? There is, regrettably, when no amount of reason or intelligent dialogue will reach the heart of you kid, and upon seeing this, you just have to say "no", mean it and hope like hell they don't go behind your back.
However, I do feel you're an excellent father, albeit different from me, and I do realise there is no one right way of raising kids, so just take this as a bar-room conversation.
Here's to you and your kid. I wish you lots of success. Let me know how things are going in a couple years.
Corvin
