Freedom or Bondage.....a Hard Choice for Many

gumby

Lately something has bothered me as regards to many on JWD who wonder what to do, once they have found the Organisation to be a destructive, mind controling sect. Aside from these ones deciding how to exit without causing a judicial meeting nor a stir among the publishers, it whether or not they want to risk their Marriage and or family ties.

Many on this site have related how their marriage fell to pieces because the dub mate could not accept their loved one "leaving Jehovah", and they could never meet in the middle to save the marriage. Others who leave, push their dub mate away by their constant verbal expressions against the organisation...because they THINK they should....hence, the marriage falls apart.

Here's the hard part I don't know the answer to. Is it the wisest course for one to leave the cult once they are convinced it has no life-saving biblical truths that a person must subscribe to, and that they have every right to now believe as they wish and live their life as they wish......knowing they will no doubt lose the ones they love in marriage along with close family bonds?

Or....could they/should they/ keep their marriage and family together and fake it? If they do this they live a lie, risk a possible but slight chance of losing their life by others withholding blood from them if needed, and a few other things.

I realise it's a catch 22 ....or a no win situation for those not familiar with that phrase. I have always been on the side to believe not to live a lie and exit the cult......yet I see the pain resulting from some who choose this path and I wonder if the pain is worth the freedom. I'll leave this open at this point.................

Gumby

AlanF

Often the decision is forced on the person by outside forces or by internal ones that he or she can't well control. How long can a person fake it? It depends on their personality, and that's as individual as people. I know people who'd be gone in a flash if they could do so without losing their world. How they fake it, I don't know -- I could do it only so long and then I felt like I was about to explode. It was bad for me and those around me. No one likes living a lie.

What happens also depends on the personality of the marriage mate. Some are able to live easily with a "non-believer"; others can't deal with the notion that "my mate doesn't love Jehovah". I know some couples who live happily with split religious notions. My ex decided that there wasn't any point in investing emotional energy in someone soon to die at Armageddon, and the marriage fell apart. No pat answers here.

AlanF

shotgun

Yeah what he said....life after you come out to your mate and family

eyeslice

Gumby,

My advise to anyone in this position would be take it easy, don't make rushed decisions.

I was JW through and through, grew up in it, married at the KH, all the family in. I did not fade slowly, I simply stopped going to the KH. Yes, my wife was upset, but overall my leaving has had absolutley no effect on our relationship. What I haven't done is be too pushy about my new views, and I try not to appear apostate. It helps that my wife and I have a very loving relationship and that she respects my views.

Eyeslice

minimus

The older I get, the more I realize nothing's perfect YET we should try to enjoy life to the fullest as long as we're here. IF it makes a person happier (ultimately) staying for other reasons such as family, friends, etc. It's the person's decision. Metatron is a perfect example of someone who's still "in" but not really. You do what YOU gotta do. There's no right or wrong answer. And feelings could change. What you tolerated at one time, maybe later, you couldn't any longer.

what_Truth?

Alan F, I think this is why most Christian religions put a "death do us part" clause in their marital vows. According to JW logic A JW wife who's faithful husband is killed in a car accident has just as much chance as not being with her husband in the new order as a wife who's husband is DF'ed.

As for Gumby's question, people don't stay in the org because they 'beleive' what they are being taught is the truth. They stay in because in one way or another the JW lifestyle works for them. Perhaps it was their faith in God that got them over a tragic loss or a drug addiction (yes, it happens). Perhaps it's a way for a lowly floor cleaner to wield a power over people's lives that he never would have had otherwise. Perhaps, they may beleive in the ideals of that the GB preaches even if these ideals are aren't based on relaity and are seldom followed by the masses. Perhaps they have made a lot of business connections that they otherwise wouldn't have been able to have. If a husband realises it's all a lie but can cling to one of these factors as a reason to stay then they should probably stay in.

To simplify i'll put it this way. If you suddenly realised you were gay yet the straight life worked for you and your wife was able to endulge you to your satisfaction would you still come out of the closet?

redhotchilipepper

I've done the out of the ORG. life and I've been in the ORG. For a while I think I might have actually fooled myself that I believed. The only time I did well as a JW was when I didn't live at home. When I lived with my family they pushed it on me so much that I ended up rebelling. I had it pushed on me my whole life. In this situation it is hard to develop a relationship with God on your own. You really can't know or find out if you do truly believe. The end result was my staying a witness and marrying in the faith. Well I did end up finding out over the years while I was married to my husband that it really wasn't in my heart nor what I believed. I don't think that you can be in the JW org. for someone else. It has to be a true heartfelt feeling. I don't think that you can go through life living for someone else. I like the idea of living for each other. If you are going to meetings for your mate and an unbeliever, to me, that is a very selfish thing for your mate to ask of you. It is their choice in life to be a Witness so why push their choices, decisions on you. Freedom of choice! The end result to me, in my opinion will be resentment and difficulties in the marriage. Fighting and squabbling. Difficulties with children, if you have any. I grew up with a witness Mom and a non believing Dad, so I know. I am speaking from experience. It was hell growing up. Alot of fighting. I wish that my Dad would have been stronger and stepped up to the plate and said "NO, you are not forcing this religion on our kids". Just my experience. I hope it helps someone. love RHCP

gumby

Eyeslice....thanks for the advise my friend, but all is well with my wife who has been dealing with my apostate arse for about 10 years now. We do fine as Alan mentioned... some can pull it off. I also kept my mouth shut about the dubs except for a few times when I first exited and an now, an occational harmless observational comment that gets things on my mind across to her. I am one of the few lucky ones who's mate seems to have accepted me for who I became and we get along well.

Alan...I agree 100% it depends on the persons personality and salesmanship whether he can pull all the strings to fake it and save family at the same time. Even those who can fade apart from their mates and not become DFed/Disaccociated, still must watch their steps for quite awhile and walk on thin ice for fear of becoming known about in anything anti-dub. Once enough time has passed, perhaps that one could live life as they pleased without interferance from the Organisation.....there again....there are many circumstances that enter the picture that differs for many.

Gumby

Winston Smith :>D

It comes down to two things IMO:

Your personal integrity
The reason why your spouse married you

#1: Myself, I was a JW because I believed it all hook, line, and sinker. Once I saw it was a farce, I had to continue to remain true to myself as I always had in the past and remove myself from such a destructive, deceptive group.

#2: For my wife, discussions between us made it evident that she had her hopes when she married a MS to be an elders wife, in the clique of hard-core JW's who judge others in the congregation. When I DA'd myself, that person died in her eyes.

I am begining to understand that one mate leaving the WTS will destroy a bad marriage, but a marriage founded on love for the spouse's inner, Authentic Self can possibly survive the storm.

Princess

I am begining to understand that one mate leaving the WTS will destroy a bad marriage, but a marriage founded on love for the spouse's inner, Authentic Self can possibly survive the storm.

I think there is a lot of truth in that. Steve was discovering the truth about the WTS about the same time my dad, a big time elder of 24 years was discovering the same. It totally freaked me out. I reasoned on it this way: the two men whom I love and respect the most in the world have come to this conclusion. I listened to what they both had to say and read what they gave me to read. Nuff said...I'm out.

Also I felt I'd rather take the risk with Steve than live without him or live divided.

I really feel for those of you who are dealing with this issue. I wish I could have a drink with your wives and discuss a few things.

Rachel

Freedom or Bondage.....a Hard Choice for Many

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