So How Does Your "Never Been A J Dub" Partner Cope With All Of This?

by Englishman 26 Replies latest jw friends

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  BrendaCloutier

  Since I've been out for so long, and Kev and I have been together only since my departure (departed 76, met him in 85, reconnected in 97 moved in in 99) There's been no problem. He know's they're a bunch of wacko's, and is familiar with my family shunning.

  However, it has pleased him to no end to not have to deal with another set of relatives celebrating the holidays!

  Since I am home all the time, he also appreciates that JWD has been a source of my getting out of the house. I have met some great people here from around the world, and he appreciates that.

  Good thread, Eman!

  Hugs to you and the Mrs, and the boyz.
• 

  adelmaal

  My hubby just thinks I was crazy to have ever been a part of it. We did not meet until after I had already been away from that religion for awhile. He takes an "I'm so not interested in all that drama" stanse. Never has been interested in JWs and never will be. He's quite apathetic to it all. Just thinks it's a wierd religion and is at least glad I will never go back to it.
• 

  Englishman

  Hugs to you and the Mrs, and the boyz.

  Hugs duly delivered. Thanks Brenda.

  Englishman.
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  CPiolo

  Speaking as the Never-Been-A-Dub spouse, and the all this being my wife?s return to the Dubs, it?s wreaked havoc on our relationship. It doesn?t help that we have a child together that we strongly disagree about how to raise (meetings vs. absolutely no meetings, birthday?s are fun vs. birthdays are evil, it?s nice to see the family during holidays vs. I can?t participate in those celebrations, etc. etc. etc.). There?s also the inordinate amount of time that my wife?s participation requires -- reading the magazines and preparing for meetings, attending meetings, conventions and assemblies, and going out in service. I would gladly welcome her participation on this board, even if she spent as much time here as she does with the Watchtower baloney. It would mean she was on a path to better mental and spiritual health. Even though it might be difficult, the light at the end of the tunnel, would be worth the risk. It certainly couldn?t be any worse than things are now. Even if we didn?t survive the upheaval in her life that leaving the comfortable illusion the Watchtower provides, it would be better for her in the long run. But, my wife has already left the organization once and knows all that signifies. Even though she simply became inactive for years and didn?t disassociate herself nor was she disfellowshipped (she told me shortly after we met she had no intention of returning), she was shunned by former JW friends who didn?t approve of her lack of commitment. She has never fully discussed the pain of this with me (and has now probably pushed it to some obscure corner of her mind), but did speak of the pain it caused her with my mother and said to her that she didn?t understand her friends? behavior and that it had hurt her deeply. She even sought therapy at the time due to the emotional stress it caused. Living with a Dub also signifies editing your conversations. There are all sorts of ?touchy topics? where there is no inroad into the rigid JW mindset -- evolution, any Biblical point of view that differs with theirs, blood transfusions. Most everyone here knows the drill. All this leads to a lack of intimacy. What kind of marriage (supposedly one?s most intimate relationship) can someone have in such a situation. The end result is your conversations are mostly limited to the mundane. You may still share all sorts of things -- experiences, children, sex -- everything except your true self. CPiolo
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  jgnat

  How eloquent CPolio:

  All this leads to a lack of intimacy. What kind of marriage (supposedly one?s most intimate relationship) can someone have in such a situation. The end result is your conversations are mostly limited to the mundane. You may still share all sorts of things -- experiences, children, sex -- everything except your true self. CPiolo

  I have said before that being married to a JW means you are sharing your bed with the Watchtower. She really is very much like a demanding mistress, sneaking around included.
• 

  jeanniebeanz

  This has been difficult for RockerDude. He has tried to be supportive, but my warped worldview is sometimes frustrating to him. It makes him sad that he cannot fix the past and make it better. He does his best and we talk things out. Eventually, we came to an understanding that some things would have to be left alone for a bit, and then come back to them later when the heat died down.

  It pisses him off so badly when he sees the way my family treats me. He watched me go through the worst of it, and saw how I handled it and still handle it, and cannot see why they vilify me to the extent that they do after how peaceable I have been with them. He has seen the way they have spread lies and rumors about me to destroy my reputation to keep questioning members away from me. He saw how they tried to turn my children away from me, and wreck me financially. RockerDude actually hates them. This has been very hard on him.

  When I first found this board in January, he saw it stir up some pretty intense emotions and went into protector mode. "the board is bad, just forget it, walk away, etc., etc., etc." After the initial boatload of emotional crap I went through though, it has settled down. He asks about some of you, and growls at the comments of others. He is engaging whether or not he would ever admit it.

  It has been hard on him to be the one to help me pick up the pieces of my life and mind. I thank God every day for having found such an amazing man who would be willing to go through so much to help not only me, but also my children, for the past 9 years. The endless conversations he had with my teenaged children when they were first starting to doubt the witnesses were awesome. His understanding of the Bible is awesome, and he has been an immeasurable help in getting my children out of the mindset that I helped to create as a witness. My children now call him dad, and tell him that they love him. He cried the first time one of my kids said that to him. Of course he said it was the sanding dust that got in his eyes at the time. (We?ve always had some kind of project going involving paint, lol)

  I want to thank all of you out there that are hanging in there with a witness partner or ex-witness partner. It is frustrating, painful, and makes you want to walk away at times I know. But you have no idea how important you are in the life of your partner and the children.

  Jeannie
• 

  mustang

  Dragon Lady (not DL-76) doesn't see what all the fuss is about . Sometimes that is frustratring, sometimes it is helpful

  Her being Asian and having no concept of Western religion is actually refreshing most of the time.

  What is ironic is that she is just like my father in some character traits, but she would have "cleaned his clock" over his bullying me about the "troof" and making that the center of the universe. It is good that they didn't ever meet...

  Mustang