Many of us have lived through this dilemma. You are not alone. When I realised that it was all a fake, I was Watchtower Overseer, Group Study Conductor and Secretary.
For family reasons, I felt that I could not do what I wanted, which was to tell the congreagation straight - then just walk away. That would have been the easy thing . But in order to preserve a marriage and maintain a relationship with family, I backed off slowly. My plan was 1] Let my wife and the PO know that I was having a rough time , get them used to the idea that I was "spiritually sick". They chose to label me 'depresssed' . That suited me fine. 2] As time went by I gave more voice to doubts and 'problems with the faith' . During this time I was still fulfilling my assignments, although not so well as before. Elders complained that the Watchtower Studies were getting a little 'flat' .
3} When I thought they were ready for it, I handed the P O a letter of resignation from eldership. He did not want to accept it , but the Circuit Overseer was happy to strike me off after I truthfully told him I had a passion for "What he would call Heavy Metal music"
After that I never went out on door to door work, just reported time accompanying my wife on a stud, that was disintegrating into a social call, with a little reading of the Bible. After a while I stopped reporting that time because I no longer wanted to . Nobody ever questioned me about that . We quit that congo after a dispute and I am know accepted as an 'unbelieving husband' when I accompany my wife to the new congo. I certainly never comment and I cannot sing the songs
That way involves a certain amount of planned and temporary hypocracy . I know that and hated doing it , but I got away under my own terms. Until something happens and I am exposed as an apostate? Maybe, but we will deal with that when it happens
Hang on in there. We know it is hard . Do what you have to do..
