Daughters, Do you speak with your mothers’ ‘voice’?

by jeanniebeanz 35 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  jeanniebeanz

  I ‘hear’ it when I see the faults in others, and condemn myself for any minor infraction. It is my mothers’ ‘voice’.

  I don’t know exactly when she got into my head, but it is clearly her ‘voice’ and judging that I ‘hear’. She condemns me for the dirty dishes, the skirt that is too short or the blouse that is too low. She berates me for not being out of bed by 7:30 on a Saturday morning and when I decide to let the kids eat cereal for breakfast instead of cooking bacon and eggs.

  She follows me to the grocery store and complains loudly at the price of tomatoes and even louder when I reach for a name brand of anything. She will not allow me to take more than $20.00 out of my checking account.

  My kids are never clean enough, I spend too much time at work, and I am just a poor excuse for a daughter or human being. I will never be good enough for her, affection is out of the question.

  The phenomenon is also difficult when I see others, especially young ladies, acting in a manner that is not ‘proper’. My mothers’ ‘voice’ is so hard to contain. At times it attempts to force me to chide people for their actions or appearance; something that is clearly none of my business. How extremely rude!!

  I have fought this voice ever since I escaped from my mothers’ cult. It has been so difficult. The ‘voice’ is an extreme bigot. Sometimes it horrifies me. Something that I never thought was right was the attitude of superiority that witnesses have toward any that are not witnesses. The voice is most embarrassing in that regard, and that, more than anything, have I striven to eradicate from my mind. One of the few areas of success, I might add.

  I have worked very hard to find my own ‘inner voice’, something to drive this other ‘voice’ out of my head. I wish to be free from the judgmental and selfish ‘voice’, which had ruled my life until just 10 years ago. It is an emotional battle that continues to this day.

  All I ever wanted from my mother was some show of love and affection. What I got was emotional neglect or, worse, blackmail and judgement. All the while telling me how much she ‘loved’ me. Lies.

  One thing I did get though is this condemning ‘voice’ of hers. What do others call it? An inner monologue, I think?

  It is doubtful that the ‘voice’ will ever be completely eliminated. Do any of you also hear your parents’ ‘voices’ in your lives? Do you make decisions and say, "That is something that Dad would have done." Or, "Mom would have wanted it this way." Is this a good thing or a bad thing for you?

  Mostly, the experience has been negative for me. But, I’d appreciate your thoughts.

  Jean
• 

  Scully

  Welcome to peri-menopause.

  Seriously, though, what would be wrong with telling "mom's" inner voice to STFUB?
• 

  Soledad

  YES I do hear my mother's voice ALL THE TIME. I hear her putting me down, criticizing my looks, my home, my choice in clothing, my job, and my money. She never shuts up.

  All I ever wanted from my mother was some show of love and affection. What I got was emotional neglect or, worse, blackmail and judgement. All the while telling me how much she ‘loved’ me. Lies.

  Couldn't be truer in my case too.
• 

  Frannie Banannie

  
  LOL, yall! We're all "programmed" to dish it up just like our Mom's did to us, sorry to say. I've spent most of my adult life trying to overcome that programming. Hopefully, I've made quite a bit of progress.

  The only things now that I would gladly quote my mother on are "That (new) music drives me nuts...it's crap!" (some of it), "I've got all the drama in my life that I need without borrowing more from soaps on TV," and I just know she'd say this about those boom boxes on wheels that rattle yer rafters, "They make my butt wanna suck a sour lemon!" (one of my mom's favorite expressions)

  Frannie
• 

  Scully

  Actually, I know what you mean. We all have this "inner dialogue" that is supremely expert at picking out all the flaws and faults in ourselves (mostly) and others.

  For every criticism that we hear from important figures in our lives, it takes 1000 "atta-girls" to counter balance our self-perception.

  When all you know is criticism, it's hard to break that cycle. What once was the purview of our mothers and fathers (criticizing us), we have learned to take over that role in their absence. It's almost automatic, isn't it?

  It is so important to acknowledge the positive in our children and, more importantly, in ourselves whenever we hear that nagging voice of our parents' haunting our thoughts. That's when it's time to sit down and reflect on what we do well, and what we wish we had heard our parents say when we were growing up when we see our kids doing normal teenage stuff. Take some time every day to have some reflecting time - NOT to criticize, but to give yourself props for all the good things you do.

  It's the only way to drown out the nagging.
• 

  jeanniebeanz

  Well, looks like I'm not alone after all. I was worried that no one would know what in the hell I was talking about..

  It is something like programming, isn't it? It would be very nice to be able to just tell that voice to STFU... hilarious idea, btw Scully.

  It's the judgmental attitude and condemnation that are the most difficult. I think that being a normal teenage girl is bad enough. We are surrounded by images and ideas of what it means to be a woman, and we try so hard to live up to the expectations of our mothers.

  Add the artificial requirements of the cult, the way that it puts an emotional wall between parents and children, and it's surprising that we didn't all just give up and kill ourselves in despair.

  J
• 

  Satanus

  
  For me, it's my dad's voice. He used to give me shit, ridicule and hit me for forgetting little things in the work i was supposed to do as a kid. Also other stuff. He kind of lived through me. A few yrs ago, he even went to where i worked on one of the first jobs i had and talked to them about me, then told me what somebody there said about me. That job was 30 yrs ago. Now, he still wants, he wants, like he always wanted. Only now he wants me to visit him.

  Anyhow, to his voice which i often hear, i say fuck you as many times as it takes(yes, if it came to that, i would say it to his face too. Gotta break away, break free some time, imo, from my dad's bullshit.). Sometimes i do visualisations of his image exploding into dust, or something similar. Those things clear my mind of him for quite a while.

  Yes, i'm alone, but at least it's me.

  S
• 

  jeanniebeanz

  Satanus,

  It sounds like you really had it rough. Dads can be tyrants to their sons. I can't imagine my mom or dad talking to people at my workplace though, thats really extreme.

  I don't understand the need for parents to feel like they must exercise so much control in the lives of their children; especially once those children are grown. Seems to me that if a parent is not willing to make the transition from parent to friend at that point, a chance at any really lasting relationship will fall apart.

  This is especially true if the parent is a tyrant. I can understand why someone would distance themselves from such a destructive force in their lives.

  There are times that I cry for my lost parents and family. But if having a relationship with my parents means that I have to live with their judgement and condemnation then they can just live without me. Life's too short for that Bull*hit... I'm done with them...

  J
• 

  Insomniac

  The one thing I truly fear is turning into my mother. I've spent half a lifetime tring to prevent it. If I ever start to hear her "voice" inside my head, I'll take whatever medications are neccessary to make it go away. It should be enough that she calls me and comes by my business almost daily, and that things she says (about me, about herself, very little of it true) keep getting passed around town before finding their way to me. If I had children, I think I'd be even more anxious to distance myself, but thankfully, no buns will be coming out of this oven, ever.
• 

  Seeker4

  
  We unfortunatly have to fix what someone else broke. Your mother's inability to nurture has become a crippling block for you. I know all too well this scenario. It is not specifically a Witness issue, this emotional abuse, nor the abandonment. Actually, one who is broken and can't forge a healthy relationship, can't grasp intimacy, is prime meat for the door to door snake in the grass, JW"S! The 'Answer" to the unbidden idea of hope for oneself. Your mother's toxic dance with you isn't about you, but unfortunatly you are the only one who can stop the "ping pong". By that I mean for every cut or wound that is sent your way, your response can either feed her course, or move you out of the sights of her smoking gun. JW's m.o. is the toxic necessary hiding place for those who choose power and ego over looking into the self, and going back to change the damage done. This would take courage, and well..... The 'religion' promotes the facade of lying to oneself, and on and on it goes. The fact that you're writing this, and looking for something that speaks to your inate instincts of not deserving what is going on, well, hey, you go girl. And keep on. Just keep on. If not, then 'they' have 'won'. To be silent in the silent scream of abuse - is to say to her that it's OK.....

  Lori ( not Seeker4, but his partner, a non-JW)