by jeanniebeanz 35 Replies latest jw friends
That logic would be comforting if we didn't all disprove it....we all overcame our bad upbringings, so why couldn't our parents overcome theirs?
Because we are all NOT the SAME. example soem people have to take anti depreesants because of there upbringing. Some do not. Some can make lemonade out of lemons some can not. It is not very difficult to understand is it?
In other words "Suck it up?"
ok I'm gonna barf now
That logic would be comforting if we didn't all disprove it....we all overcame our bad upbringings, so why couldn't our parents overcome theirs?
A lot of people our ages, who are raising kids, or just finished raising kids didn't overcome bad upbringings. People have different abilities when it comes to seeing that their own parents raised them poorly and the need to overcome the damage and not pass it on.
I don't think my mother realized her parents weren't always the best parents and that they did damage to her by berating her as difficult, impossible, lazy and dreamy. They tried to force her to be neat, tidy and efficient. Mom was a creative artist and musician type. She needed to be dreamy to create. She wasn't the immaculate housekeeper type, but we always had three square meals, clean clothes and sheets. We kids took turn doing dishes and doing chores. While you may not have been able to eat off our floors, the place looked good and we knew where things were.
One time my grandmother told me that my mother was lazy. I told her that Mom had six kids. I also listed all the things Mom did with no help from Dad. My grandmothers were fairly wealthy and they both had maids. I pointed out that mother did not have a maid and she often worked as well as giving piano lessons.
Yes, my mom did some terrible things to us kids. So did Dad, though he didn't yell at us or abuse us physically. They also did a lot right. I have learned to look at them as human beings, individuals and not just parents. They had their own pain and sorrow as children. Unfortunately, no one is guaranteed a good set of parents, good genetics or happy childhoods. Mental illness can factor in as well as poor physical health. I had some unhappiness, but I also had a lot of fun and freedom.
I want my children to be fair in their views of me. I give my parents the same consideration? It doesn't excuse the things they did to me, to realize my parents were just grown up children. It does help me to understand why they happened. Considering that my parents were very flawed and very human also helps me to heal and realize their actions were not my fault.
I was going to write something really profound, but I'm sitting here in tears! I mean literally in tears. I often thought I was the only one. I'm now finding at 53 that I am not. If I started I'd take up 4 or 5 pages. Mom made the snowballs and Dad threw them. Mom wasn't physical.....she was mostly mental.....like after you'd spent some time on your makeup and hair and clothes, just as you were climbing into the car to go to the meeting she'd say "I don't know why you decided to ______ (pick one...wear that, do your hair like that...picked that color lipstick with your skin tone)." or after she had cleaned my closets and given away clothes she felt I would no longer be wearing (without asking first) she'd say to the sister she'd given them to "you look so much better in that than Carol ever did".
I find myself with my 17 year old daughter biting my tongue, even when she asks for advice (do you think this is a good shade of blue for my hair, does this lip ring or this lip ring look better), as I want her to be able to figure out who she and be comfortable in her own skin. I was offered a modeling contract with the Ford Agency in New York City at 17 and while my Mother boasted about it.....she'd also make comments about my height, weight or lack of talent (I turned it down as I didn't feel I was good enough). I refuse to do that to either of my children.
Sorry for the rant....thanks for the topic Jeannie!
I am sorry you are going thru this. I do hear my mom and my grandmother to be neater, to be more organized, to not rest until the work is done. But I was part of a family where there were many hands. Even with my grandmother, we had 7 granddaughters with her 3 daughters, so thats 11 women cleaning up on a holiday!!
But I so miss the sound of the voice of my grandmother and her love. My mom is a telephone call away and I miss her voice whenever I hang up.
Motherdarling really has the ability to unnerve me, every time we talk. I want to cease contact with her for her own good; she gets in trouble for talking to a disfellowshipped person... unfortunately I'm about the only one of her offspring who still listens to her. I suspect that she is very deeply depressed, but after years of trying to suggest ways to deal with that, I'm beat. She's just too stubborn or something.
