Daughters, Do you speak with your mothers’ ‘voice’?

by jeanniebeanz 35 Replies latest jw friends

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  jeanniebeanz

  The one thing I truly fear is turning into my mother.

  You're frightening me... The very thought scares the *ell out of me. My mother is bitter and angry that she has grown old in this 'system of things'. Mom had a beautiful operatic voice but never grew to her potential, instead, she waited on Jah and the 'new system'. She has wasted her entire life on the cult, and is sad, disappointed and very, very bitter.

  In that, I did the same thing. I 'inherited' her voice, and did not pursue it for the same reasons she did. I kick myself now, but I was older when I wised up to the cult. My voice and looks are fading fast, and I am scared to death to expose myself to the criticizm and possible failure should I pursue the singing thing... I'll probably go to my grave regretting that.

  I'll take whatever medications are neccessary to make it go away

  LOL, been there, done that. The meds didn't help long-term... it was worth the try though.

  she calls me and comes by my business almost daily

  Man! Another one! That would so *iss me off...

  things she says (about me, about herself, very little of it true) keep getting passed around town before finding their way to me

  Geez... Please, if I ever do this to my daughters, someone shoot me... ((((((insomniac)))))

  J
• 

  FlyingHighNow

  My laughs, sneezes & coughs sound like my mom's did. My sister sounds the same way.

  Jeannie, when you hear your mother complaining, turn around and be assertive with her. It really does a world of good. I do that to my dead maternal grandmother.

  I look at the good my mother did and the cool things about her. When someone in my family tries to insult me by comparing me to mother in a bad way, I tell them I am proud to be compared to my beautiful, talented and interesting mother. She had some serious flaws, but she also had much beauty. I miss her.
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  FlyingHighNow

  PS: My mom told me that when she would yell at us, she could hear her mother behind her yelling at her. And her mother told her at one time, that when she yelled at my mother, her mother was behind her yelling at her.

  Our mothers were little girls once who dreamt of growing up and living happy lives. Like the song by John Mellancamp says, "Changes come around real soon and make us women and men."

  Jeannie, be assertive to your mother's voice for sure. But try to remember anything good she did for you and feel good about that. Don't get me wrong, there are things mom and her mother said or did to me that will still make me cry when I think of them. It's just that I would hate for my kids, or grandkids to only think of the bad things and mistakes I made with them and not remember the good, the fun and kind things I did for and with them.
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  jeanniebeanz

  
  There are two things that I can remember.

  When I was sixteen, my mother bought me a silver and abalone shell bracelet. I didn't often get that kind of attention. I do treasure that.

  Also, when I was fifteen, and was very depressed, she would sit at the kitchen table and drink tea with me sometimes in the evening. She tired of it quickly; it only lasted a couple weeks, but I do fondly remember that.

  I know there must be more, but in my anger over the abandonment, those other things escape me. She was a frightening woman. I was scared to death that one day she would lose control and kill me. I was a slippery, little skinny kid and got away when it got bad or when 'the look' came across her face. Used to hide out in the garage or run away down to the river during her 'crying spells'. I'd wait until I heard dad's truck pull into the driveway, then she couldn't touch me...

  Don't get me wrong, I don't think my mom was some kind of monster. She was sick and needed help. Don't think she ever got it though. She did at first, when I was very young, she spent a year in a 'facility'. I don't think they helped her though. When she came out, she was just plain scary...My brother and I went to live with the Laudermilk family during that time. I can remember not wanting to go home after living with them. It was just too weird. I was about four when she came home.

  J
• 

  Mulan

  The one thing I truly fear is turning into my mother. I've spent half a lifetime tring to prevent it.

  Me too. Fortunately, I have a husband, children and friends who all let me know when I'm doing it.
• 

  jeanniebeanz

  Lori,

  I missed your post! sorry about that...

  Actually, one who is broken and can't forge a healthy relationship, can't grasp intimacy, is prime meat for the door to door snake in the grass, JW"S!

  True. Mom never did understand the idea of intimacy with her kids. I can remember insisting on a hug when I got to be a teenager. Mom hugged me reluctantly and then said, "Yuk!" and then turned and walked away. She actually had goosebumps on her arms...looked like she wanted a bath... lol Poor mom...

  I think that is why I went absolutely the other way with my kidletts. I am afraid I am the dreaded woman who is destined to become the cheek pinching auntie. You know, the one who always has a house full of kidletts, a kitchen full of home baked cookies, a rotund figure and who plants big yucky smoochies on the kids forheads... lol

  Just doing my part to overcorrect the bloodline... lol

  J
• 

  FlyingHighNow

  Don't get me wrong, I don't think my mom was some kind of monster. She was sick and needed help.

  Nobody got help for my mother when I was a kid. I ended up with her in my care later. I took her and got her diagnosed. She was bipolar. I had always known something was wrong with her, even as a small girl. I have chewed my dad out for leaving us when I was in the third grade. I told him that he knew mother was abusing us and yet he took off to Europe, found a young lady not much older than my sister who he is still with.

  My mother needed help. I think she might have been a better mother had she gotten proper help. I am lucky to have had some healing years with her before her death. Sometime, if we meet I can tell you about the whole nightmare. But mother did do so many things right.

  Jeannie, it does help to allow your mother to be human. Think of her as a little girl dreaming of growing up to be a ballerina or nurse and being happy. We have to realize that our parents were individuals before they were our parents. They were children once. They wanted to be happy and loved, just like we wanted that as little girls.
• 

  jeanniebeanz

  Fortunately, I have a husband, children and friends who all let me know when I'm doing it.

  LOL...me too...
• 

  jeanniebeanz

  My mother needed help. I think she might have been a better mother had she gotten proper help.

  I believe that mom suffered from depression. At the time though, the witnesses taught that anti-depressants were wrong because they were altering your personality and allowing room for the devil to take you over of some nonsense like that. I often wonder what would have happened if she had just had proper medical and phychiatric help. The only times I saw her happy was when she was playing the piano, singing, or *snicker* kissin dad...

  I am lucky to have had some healing years with her before her death.

  Sadly, I don't think I'll have this healing time. To tell you the truth, I would be scared to death to confront her on these things. Not that I would fear her; it's me I'd be afraid of. Some horses are better left burried.

  Sometime, if we meet I can tell you about the whole nightmare.

  Yes. I'd like to hear your experience some time. Thanks.

  J
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  FlyingHighNow

  Jeannie, I sent you a PM. I had to listen to my mother brood for two years, gently and empathetically. Then finally she was willing to allow me to gently bring up things she had done to us.

  You know, most of the things people bring up to throw at my sister or me, the things they say are like mom, well they are qualities any person can have. You know, moodiness and such. I remind them of that. If they do it enough, the comparing, I wait for them to show a "Mom" quality and tell them they are acting just like MY mother. That usually shuts them up.