How do female "unbelieving mates" do it? My tribute!

by Check_Your_Premises 40 Replies latest jw experiences

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  Check_Your_Premises

  I am a male ubm, aka "unbelieving mate", which is hard enough. I hate seeing my wife, someone who I have the utmost respect for, humiliating herself through her enslavement to this silly man-made publishing company. I hate seeing her become a drone. I hate how much time and resources this completely pointless little detour is taking from our lives.
  
  

  Many have realized that in a sense, the experience of the ubm is one of infidelity. You went into your marriage making a formal commitment to your spouse. In the midst of that commitment, your spouse made another, binding commitment that takes priority over the one you made.

  But as many know, infidelity cuts different for men than for women. For a man, the worst part of infidelity is the idea of another man sleeping with their wife. For a woman, the worst part is the idea of another woman having a closer relationship with their man. That is not to say that those aspects of infidelity do not also bother men and women, I am only saying that these are the aspects that bother each particular gender the most. ( in general... I know everyone is different.... so please don't yell at me telling me how you are different.... you know what I mean you argumentative butt-hole!) Sorry. Just anticipating the nitpickers.

  So for me, it is awful to be a ubm. But I have actually thought to myself, "At least I am the one sleeping with her". Because the infidelity is one that is easier for a man to take, I am still able to embrace and tolerate the JW in many ways that help my cause. We all know that getting mad and yelling only reinforces the indoctrination, in that you are fulfilling their description of worldy people, as well as feeding the jw martyr complex. So I am very tolerant of the jw. I keep them very close so I can know and manipulate their ways. Don Corleone said to keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer.

  That kind of intimacy with the "other woman" isn't so easy for a female ubm. For her, that would be like me going out for beers with the guy who is banging my wife, just so I can try to cock-block somehow. How pathetic would I feel. That is why it is so difficult for the female ubm. For her it is such an affront to her dignity to be tolerant of "the other woman". How can you expect your spouse to have any respect for you if you are going to put up with crap like that?! But the reality is that our spouses need our help. It takes quite a woman to see past the pain of her betrayal to where she can see her husband as someone in need of help. If we don't help them, who will? But ultimately we only can save ourselves and those who want to be saved. When to get on with our own lives is the haunting question of every ubm.

  So how do you do it ladies? How do you get past your anger to the point where you can help him?

  I, as a male ubm, also have some other advantages. I am the man. I am the head of the household in the JW world. (In my own, I would never want to make a big decision without getting the opinion of someone as smart as my wife) Nevertheless, it is a card I can play, and play it I do! I am also the primary bread winner. Nobody talks about that one, but everyone sure thinks about it. I would have to be pretty short on options to give an ultimatum, but if I gave one, I have to wonder how much the org would matter if it meant my wife working full time?

  So add that all up, and all I can say is that as much as I lament my circumstances and the row I have to hoe, it is nothing compared to you ladies who are trying to save the silly, mind controlled slobs you are married to. They don't deserve you. When you get them out, they owe you alot of jewelry.

  Since your husbands are to stupid to say it, I will...

  ...hats off to you darlin's. You are the best!

  CYP
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  jgnat

  Awwe, you are so sweet.

  How do I do it? It doesn't hurt to be the breadwinner. I've figured out that "head of household" doesn't add up for much if the man isn't leading. All I have to do is close my pocketbook. Case closed.

  Yeah about sharing the bed. But I've always known my husband's heart is divided. He cherishes every woman he has ever loved. He takes years to overcome a loss, and he still carries a bright flame for his first love. I console myself with the knowledge that if he were ever foolish enough to leave me, his parting would be long and painful. I describe my husband this way, "His world is full of beautiful flowers, and he appreciates them all. He's smart enough to know, though, that he can look but not touch."

  My equinamity may also be a product of my huge ego. I really do believe I am the best woman for my husband.

  ...and finally, my first marriage was a short and violent disaster. I learned from that experience to read my enemy and prepare. I don't get blindsided.
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  carla

  aw, thanks CYP! We come here for pats on the back and lots of shoulders to cry on. Then we read some really horrific story, here or in the news and then we feel guilty for having our own pity party and get on with the day. Hang on to hope, even when all is gone. That we can do by reading the sucess stories. carla
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  Check_Your_Premises

  It doesn't hurt to be the breadwinner

  Money does indeed talk doesn't it. That other stuff walks.

  There is a tip for some of you ladies. Start bringing in some cash! (I just love waving magic wands)

  Whenever someone talks about how unimportant money is to them, I always chuckle inside at the thought of their claim being put to the test.
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  jgnat

  I often advise people who are trapped in an abusive relationship to set up a separate, private bank account. It may take a while to build up a nest-egg, but even it's existence is empowering. Ladies in our local Mennonite community do this as well. In their communal society, everything is shared. The men run the show. These women bake and craft and visit the "outside world" to pocket the small amount of cash. It's their one ticket to independence, and they are very serious about it.

  The separate, private bank account works well for a teenager with controlling parents or a spouse whose partner has taken complete control over their finances, etc. You know the type. The ones who mark the tyre with chalk to see if it was moved without permission.
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  Check_Your_Premises

  Well besides wanting to compliment, I also was hoping that this thread would draw some sound advice for other female ubm's. In particular, what are the ways to get over the betrayal and anger, to the point where you can affect changes in your husband's perspective without raising the spectre of the dreaded and evil opposer spouse.

  Thoughts?
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  95stormfront

  The ones who mark the tyre with chalk to see if it was moved without permission.

  ....Whew....I knew there were some assholes out there, but DDAAAAANNNNGggggggg!!!!!!

  While I do exercise control over the finances, I do give the wife her own money to take care of the incidentals she needs, but, I'm careful to not give too much as I'd loath to have any money of mine going into WT coffers beyond what she's using to get back and forth to her JW activities.

  But, I ask, where do the breadwinners here draw the line?

  While you want your SO's to feel empowered financially, you also don't want them to get the sense that they and by proxie "god's organization" are somehow entitled...IE.....they get the sense that they should get their cut for their activities and what they want to do regardless of the status of the cash flow.

  The ole, jehovahs service comes first, mantra.....you know......
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  carla

  Sometimes I wonder if he notices what he is missing. I think he does. Or sometimes me & kids will be talking or laughing about something that he missed and I know he feels left out. What are supposed to do though? Quit everything cause he has a new social club? One day it will dawn on him he doesn't know his own children. Even though they have already said it point blank to him. But because it was in the heat of the moment, he thinks they didn't mean it. But they did. How long before it matters to him? Maybe never. At the hall I'm sure they just keep telling him, 'you must suffer for jah'. How sad for him. He is the one missing out on his own family.
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  Billygoat

  The separate, private bank account works well for a teenager with controlling parents or a spouse whose partner has taken complete control over their finances, etc. You know the type. The ones who mark the tyre with chalk to see if it was moved without permission.

  These were my parents. Yes, those people exist. My dad would also check the speedometer and feel the hood of the car to see if it was warm. If it was warm, he'd ask where'd I been. Grocery store perhaps? Getting gasoline?

  I just do not understand parents that get totally paranoid over their kids. My father never realized that HIS reactions like that actually put huge chasms in our relationship...not mine.
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  Billygoat

  carla

  Sometimes I wonder if he notices what he is missing. I think he does. Or sometimes me & kids will be talking or laughing about something that he missed and I know he feels left out. What are supposed to do though? Quit everything cause he has a new social club? One day it will dawn on him he doesn't know his own children. Even though they have already said it point blank to him. But because it was in the heat of the moment, he thinks they didn't mean it. But they did. How long before it matters to him? Maybe never. At the hall I'm sure they just keep telling him, 'you must suffer for jah'. How sad for him. He is the one missing out on his own family.

  I'm so sorry. I wonder if there is a way you can spin this to your own benefit? Like a man that can't take care of his family, how can he take care of the flock? I can't remember the scripture that states that...