and the questions to ask if the right time ever comes.... So you really think it is better to lie when Jehovah is listening? What kind of religion supports dishonesty? (okay so we all know the answer to this...but...if it inspired thought??)
beebee
JoinedPosts by beebee
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50
need to vent - just got off phone with mom
by jaredg inman i hate the predicament that this religion has put me in.
i love my mom so much and to hear her cry is the worst thing in the world.
it's so frustrating when she thinks that things are so bad b/c i'm dfd.
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Dr Laura
by AuntieJane ina lady caller (catholic) today who married a df'd jw.
she called dr. laura because the grandparents put their beliefs in the little 3 year old's head...not going to heaven because she isn't a jw, etc.
dr. laura, in true fashion, said that the lady who called was irresponsible because she 1) should not leave a young child alone, unsupervised, with people who are filling her head full of "stuff" that they don't agree with; and 2) because they are hostile to her husband, the df'd jw.. she blasted the lady who called about leaving her kid with these grandparents.
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beebee
Being blunt may have been in order but being rude and nasty would seem likely to cause someone not to listen. "why should I listen to this person that didn't hear me out and was very rude?"
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50
need to vent - just got off phone with mom
by jaredg inman i hate the predicament that this religion has put me in.
i love my mom so much and to hear her cry is the worst thing in the world.
it's so frustrating when she thinks that things are so bad b/c i'm dfd.
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beebee
Would they still push for the reinstatement knowing that you no longer believe it is the truth and that even if you re-instated, just to please them, you'd still be "out" in your thinking and heart and lying for their sake, which would mean the same destruction at the big A (wouldh't it)? In other words, would they rather have you lie for their sake, or accept that though your df status may break their hearts (as they want the [best] for you), that you are content to be out [at whatever perceived risk that may entail] and to go back in would not change your thinking?
Would they understand that faking it will NOT change your heart (no matter how bad they hope it will)?
(asked as one who has not been in and may not completely understand the logic)
I do understand the controlling parent role though, it seems many of us deal with parents that can't accept that our adulthood comes with both the right and the responsibility to make our own choices.... big sigh
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How do you handle a Volitile Ex??
by Seeking Knowledge inmy ex....is an idiot.
i have had problems with him from the get go when it comes to custody of our son.
we have gone to court and established some ground rules, which he consistantly bends & twists to suit him.
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beebee
What do your current court papers say? About all you can do now is limit him to exactly what he is given in the court papers, ie. if it says Friday at 3pm to Sunday at 2pm, that's it! It's a tough game to have to play but certainly within your rights. Does he have the right to send someone else to pick up your child? Is that person's name on file with the daycare? If not, the daycare isn't supposed to release your child. I think it may be law that they can't release to anyone not on record, unless you (or his dad if so authorized) give permission.
I think it's a fine line, but if the daycare contracted with YOU, then YOU are the only one who can change those records, not dad. Read your custody agreement carefully to see what he is, and is not, allowed to do. If it isn't specifically addressed, it is probably gray area.
I will say though, that if his custody agreement says the first, third and fifth weekend, from Friday to Sunday, (or similar) and it isn't during one of those windows, he has no right to the child and can be (theoretically) arrested. I'm not suggesting you have him arrested (a very bad idea unless there is REAL reason..like abuse), but that you curb his abuse by tightening the reins.
Once he realizes you aren't putty to be played with, he'll test it a few more times, but likely give up. It IS about power and control and he still delights in pulling your chain. Pull back, and its a whole lot less fun. Just be careful to stay to the letter of what you can legally do, and document where he breaks the rules. If challenged in court or mediation as to why the visitation time got more restrictive, tell the truth, that he abused that privilege and so you felt you had no choice. You would have rather been open and given your son as much time as possible with dad.
That way you present the truth, a mom who wants to be cooperative, and a dad that just wants to be an ass.
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Dr Laura
by AuntieJane ina lady caller (catholic) today who married a df'd jw.
she called dr. laura because the grandparents put their beliefs in the little 3 year old's head...not going to heaven because she isn't a jw, etc.
dr. laura, in true fashion, said that the lady who called was irresponsible because she 1) should not leave a young child alone, unsupervised, with people who are filling her head full of "stuff" that they don't agree with; and 2) because they are hostile to her husband, the df'd jw.. she blasted the lady who called about leaving her kid with these grandparents.
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beebee
I lot of people who live less than perfect lives can give perfect advice. Why? #1 they know the consequences of their own stupid behavior, & #2 they aren't emotionally involved in OTHER people's choices.
If we could remove emotions like love, guilt, shame, etc. from our decision making we'd all do better more often, but as humans, most of us can't completely rid ourselves of emotion-based decision making.
I'm not fond of Dr. Laura; I too find her judgemental and self-rightous, but..... I think in this instance, her answers (outside of blasting the mom which was wrong) were right on and logical - If the grandparents are disrespectful of the parents, then they do not deserve to see their grandkids, and if they do, it should be limited (like family parties) and never unsupervised. Add to that the scary (you're all doomed) talk to young children, which is inappropriate at best, and they've sealed their coffins as far as I'm concerned.
Any person who is abusive to children needs to be limited, whether that abuse is physical, emotional, psychological or sexual. As parents we DO have the right to set limits on the behaviors of others around our kids. This type of issue came up in another thread this weekend as a grandmother got angry because the daughter didn't want her child to witness her shunning. Same answer - Grandma abide by the limits that I, the parent, set or don't be around.
Unfortunately this can be hard for a lot of people for a number of reasons, not to mention the GUILT that will be laid upon them for demanding that THEIR rights be preserved. It is hard to move from the role of juvenile child to adult child in the parent/child relationship but BOTH parties need to change. Sometimes its the kid that has to make the first move. Other reasons this may be tough is if the grandparents are the babysitter. It's so easy to be outside the situation and say "find another sitter," but that isn't always so easy.
Hopefully, the mom involved got the point, despite the unjustified abuse she took.
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Advice?
by Ghosthunter inthis is not jw related, but there's so many people on this board that give such excellent advice.. i divorced my first husband in 1989. he is the father of my two boys.
i remarried at the end of 1990 and moved away from my home town.
my ex has never ever tried to contact me and my children have not talked to their 'biological' father in almost 15 years.
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beebee
It sounds to me like your kids are nearly grown. Even if he does decide he wants a relationship with them, they are old enough to choose whether to have one with him or not. I suspect that after all these years they are both angry and curious. Unless you have a rebel looking for "greener grass" letting them meet their dad (IF it happens) is probably not a horrible thing. (if you have a rebel, they may assume things will be easier with dad and you'll have a can of worms you don't want).
That support number is a heck of a lot higher. Most states impune interest. I had a $12K order in 1990 that was worth $55K 3 years ago (there were some additional arrearages too). 10% simple per year is typical.
You have a couple of choices, #1. Every state has an office that hunts down child support. It may be the county or the state but find your office and turn it over to them. It may take a while (they seem to like easy cases), but they can use his social security number and other public records to find him. They also do not charge for this, and most will seek an increase for cost of living (boy would that screw the ass).
#2 hire a private attorney, but then you will probably need a PI to find him. You might be able to find him for less than $50 on the Internet using one of the services available.
Beware,. there is a group called "Supportkids.com." They make is sound like they will do you this huge favor and hunt down the ex, but I swear, they must have friends high up in the states they practice in, because they border on a scam. First of all, they are nothing more than a collection agency and they keep 50% of whatever they get. So much for collecting money "for the kids."
Secondly, they cherry pick and put as little effort in as possible. A friend here with the state of Texas office that does hunt down child support told me that Support Kids goes to them to do all the work and that they do it for free (but I think they were beginning to charge such collection agencies a fee).
Third, they don't work to collect interest or ever seek an increase in support. They also won't go after spousal support or any other orders, like "half the uninsured medical." They will also turn it back to you if they can't find the parent easily. If they find the parent, they do make nasty phonecalls, that's about it.
Thus they do LESS than the government and keep half of what they collect for you.
I think you should go for it. Not only might it give you some breathing room, but it might provide some extra money for your sons' college. Don't feel guilty if you keep it for yourself either because you and your husband have been covering the kids all these years, any money you collect is just a reimbursement.
Take care.
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Not sure if I made a wrong move
by redskymedic ini posted here a bit a while back.
quick background- df-ed when i was 21 (10 yrs ago), left the jw's as a single mom with a 3 yr old son.
jw mom helped me raise him for the first few years, so my departure was a sticky family mess.
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beebee
My family are not JWs but I too, have a controlling mom (it seems the JWs encourage that thing with parents...its my way or no way). A number of times in the past my mom has gotten angry enough at me (for refusing to put up with something outrageous she has done or because she doesn't approve of my life choices) to stop talking to me, and that, historically (at least until the 2 oldest got their own cell phones) mean not talking to my kids.
It doesn't take long for her to miss them (not me...lol). In summary, she calls so that she can see them. I always let her.
Her accusation that you are turning him against him is false, but understand it was said in anger. It sounds like the two of them (your son and your mom) have a good and important relationship. I doubt seriously she's going to end it based on one "no." Just give her some space and let her make the next move.
This gives you time to decide how you want to handle this. She may pretend this never happened, or she may open up a dialog. You have a choice of letting her bring it up, you bringing it up, or letting it drop if she doesn't say a word.
It probably makes sense to let her know that you have no intentions of interferring in their relationship and that you feel she is important to your son. This will help reassure her. You can then go on to say that you have, however, decided that it is in HIS best interest for you to make it known that you find shunning inappropriate behavior, and while your mom/family certainly have the right to behave as they choose, you also have the right to not put up with it, and as his mother, to teach him what YOU believe is right and wrong.
You should also talk with your son to convey your values and prepare him for the similar talk he may get from grandma. He is old enough to understand. This is important. I know my mom has tried to say nasty things about me to my kids (when they were little) and even accused me of brainwashing them once because they stood by me. Once I convinced her that the kids must not be in the middle of our disagreements, she backed off of doing that.
I think you are right when you stand by your own sense of right and wrong.
What about your other children? Does she have a relationship with them too? It would be very weird and wrong if she somehow treats them different. Best of luck.
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A vengeful phallus
by IP_SEC inso i?m thinking of going out to a lonely place once a month or so to smoke a tobacco product in rebellion against the wts.
(hey gimme a break here, i cant go out on a fornicatin spree).
cigarettes aren?t really my style, so i?m thinking a cigar.
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beebee
Yeah, like fornicating under a christmas tree while eating easter candy and smoking a doobie....
Oh and go buy a 2 door car, grow a beard and get a big tattoo that says "I love apostababes!"
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A vengeful phallus
by IP_SEC inso i?m thinking of going out to a lonely place once a month or so to smoke a tobacco product in rebellion against the wts.
(hey gimme a break here, i cant go out on a fornicatin spree).
cigarettes aren?t really my style, so i?m thinking a cigar.
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beebee
I think the above mentioned fornication spree sounds like more fun
ewwww stinky cigars....
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How do you handle a Volitile Ex??
by Seeking Knowledge inmy ex....is an idiot.
i have had problems with him from the get go when it comes to custody of our son.
we have gone to court and established some ground rules, which he consistantly bends & twists to suit him.
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beebee
hopelessly, you said:
Trust that what you do and say now will have a profound effect on him. Even if you do not see it now, you will in the future. Communication in a resonable and calm manner with your son will reward you when he decides to make 'his own conclusions' on what is going on. Trust yourself and your love for your child.
All I can say is that you are soooo right! My girls are now 16 and nearly 18 and they now know, despite the fact their father still rants on periodically, which parent was reasonable and stable and loving, and which parent was the jerk. I never told them he was an ass; it is a conclusion they reached on their own.
SK, continue to be the loving and nuturing mother I am sure you are and your son will know it. As he gets older, he'll figure out who is reasonable and loves him unconditionally.
I remember the early years, the hell. The most memorably painful moment - the day I was crumpled in the corner in a fetal position, sobbing hysterically as my 2 year old said "mommy, daddy doesnt' mean to be so mean." I hadn't told her who was on the phone, she just knew.
Best wishes.