Posts by dubstepped

20

How many of us are 'perfectionists'?

by FayeDunaway in

i made a medium level mistake at work today, and when i make mistakes it really shakes me up and takes me a long time to recover.

it completely rattles me, makes me feel awful about myself.

my mind keeps going back to the mistake reliving how i could have let it happen.

dubstepped

*raises hand*

My name is Mike, and I'm a perfectionist. I happen to have many years in recovery though. It is certainly something that exists within the population in general, and it is thought that there's a genetic component in some cases. With that said, how could we not be? If we are conscientious people raised in a cult that preached perfection, devoid of any allowance for the human condition, we didn't stand a chance. I almost committed suicide because I couldn't meet the standards set before me through the cult. I'm glad to have now found happiness instead of the pursuit of perfection.

I highly recommend the book "Happier" by Tal Ben-Shahar for my fellow sufferers. It was instrumental in a turning point for me.

101

My mom passed away yesterday....

by minimus in

jw
friends

thank you all for your sincere encouragement during these last few weeks.

finally, she is at peace.

i was with her , holding her hand when she died.

dubstepped

Sorry for your loss Min'.

27

This is for all JW's out there...

by Divergent in

jw
friends

.

sorry to be so blunt, but you only have yourself to blame if you realize something is wrong but allow your cognitive dissonance to kick in.

if you are confronted with facts which are reported by reliable sources which are hard to dispute and deny, and you choose to dismiss these as "apostate lies" rather than looking at these from an objective point of view, it's your fault and you deserve the consequences of willful ignorance!.

dubstepped

Harshness puts people in a defensive position and the outcome is typically the opposite of that which is desired. Blaming and shaming only serves to push people down instead of offering them a hand up. If you shame someone they will feel like a bad person, and bad people don't have the energy to stand up and change their lives. The only thing you'll typically trigger is a depressive response, nothing that empowers anyone.

27

This is for all JW's out there...

by Divergent in

jw
friends

.

sorry to be so blunt, but you only have yourself to blame if you realize something is wrong but allow your cognitive dissonance to kick in.

if you are confronted with facts which are reported by reliable sources which are hard to dispute and deny, and you choose to dismiss these as "apostate lies" rather than looking at these from an objective point of view, it's your fault and you deserve the consequences of willful ignorance!.

dubstepped

I could build a house, but I'm lacking certain knowledge and tools. Eventually I might be able to get there, just like any victim of abuse. I battled dissonance for a long time until I was eventually given time to develop the tools to get free. Seeing something wrong and being able to do something about it are two different things. The meme or whatever in the OP is straight up ignorant.

27

This is for all JW's out there...

by Divergent in

jw
friends

.

sorry to be so blunt, but you only have yourself to blame if you realize something is wrong but allow your cognitive dissonance to kick in.

if you are confronted with facts which are reported by reliable sources which are hard to dispute and deny, and you choose to dismiss these as "apostate lies" rather than looking at these from an objective point of view, it's your fault and you deserve the consequences of willful ignorance!.

dubstepped

Couldn't the OP just as easily read:

To all the battered wives out there, if you allow your weak azz to stay in a marriage with a spouse that beats the crap out of you, you get what you deserve. It's your choice to stay so you deserve the consequences of your pathetic choices.

Victim blaming is sooooo cool. Compassion is so overrated. Smdh.

15

I got up yesterday morning (Saturday) and enjoyed the watchtower work

by Zoos in

reaching the fire watchtower on top of wayah bald overlooking the smokey mountains can be a difficult hike from nantahala lake up the bartram and appalachian trails where they straddle each other passing through this area.

the most enjoyable watchtower work i've ever participated in.. the views from the tower are spectacular.. .

looking across nantahala forest to the smoky mountains, described poetically as the most elevated peak; from whence i beheld with rapture and astonishment, a sublimely awful scene of power and magnificence, a world of mountains piled upon mountains.

dubstepped

Beautiful! My wife and I went hiking and even zip lined for the first time in the Nantahala a few years back. I'd love to go back, though we also have our eyes set on Grandfather Mountain. Thanks for the share.

34

heartbroken and not sure what to do...

by Khaleesi in

i don't know what to do.... i married last year and things have been very rocky.

we dated for 4 years and did have normal issues but always had a lingering doubt something was just not right in our relationship-behavior to be more specific, he is not a jw, but i am.

yes i know i married outside the "lord" but after my first marriage to a jw ended in divorce for physical abuse, i was glad i didn't married another jw.

dubstepped

You ladies are great at reading into why men might turn you down. And there's a difference between turning something down and rejecting it. I might turn down an opportunity to go out with friends if I'm tired, or maybe depressed, but it doesn't mean I'm rejecting them as friends. It means I'm tired or depressed. My friends wouldn't take it as rejection if they knew me and that I battled depression or anxiety or whatever. You're taking it all too personally. I did the same and the path I tool of blaming my wife caused scars that are still there over a decade later. You're not the only one in a vulnerable position here.

I would also ask why sex is like water to you? Do you just naturally have a high drive (some do), or are you using it to fill a hole in you (pun intended)? Most people don't require 3-4 times weekly. It has been shown that statistically you may be more active now than the average. Could it be that actually you're the one with the problem? Something to think about. I found out that many of our issues early on had to do with me, and I put it all on her.

3

There Have Been So Many Changes Lately!

by disillusioned 2 in

these words were spoken yesterday by my 85 year old mum.

she told me they had a special letter read out on sunday read by one of the governing body telling them they were stopping the ministry school.

i feigned surprise.

dubstepped

@Dwain - Do they still give TMS style counsel on the demos? It seemed like they were on the Bible reading, but not on the demos. I don't know though and wondered how they made use of the TMS book now.

34

heartbroken and not sure what to do...

by Khaleesi in

i don't know what to do.... i married last year and things have been very rocky.

we dated for 4 years and did have normal issues but always had a lingering doubt something was just not right in our relationship-behavior to be more specific, he is not a jw, but i am.

yes i know i married outside the "lord" but after my first marriage to a jw ended in divorce for physical abuse, i was glad i didn't married another jw.

dubstepped

Ugh, saying that he is in his thirties and is too young to have sexual issues is so ignorant. There is this feeling in the world that the average guy just needs to see a woman and boom, erection and let's get it on, and it's perpetuated by ignorance. If you don't know if it's too early or if Aspies have issues maybe you should get your learning on. Blaming doesn't help, and neither does pressure, for anyone no matter their gender. Not every male just wakes up in the morning ready to bang the first thing that walks by. There are some for which that's a sole focus. You married a guy that seems to be very intelligent and has a disorder that makes him connect differently, sometimes because such people are lost in their own head.

I am definitely somewhere on the spectrum myself. ADHD with maybe some Aspie, a dash of OCD, and formerly very anxiety ridden. My mind just goes and goes. Sex is more important to some than others. If he's not holding out because of spite, maybe he has a problem that falls into that for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, category. Maybe you two need some marriage counseling. Maybe you need individual therapy for each of you. You definitely need to spend time trying to understand one another. There's nothing wrong with being ignorant as long as your goal isn't to stay there. Just as there's nothing wrong with him being sexually dysfunctional as long as his goal isn't to stay there. Sex and intimacy go hand in hand. Intimacy isn't just having sex, it is how you relate to and understand one another. Often sex in long term relationships is great for a couple of years and then there's a switch over from erotic sex to intimate sex, and this culture doesn't promote the latter. Sex is portrayed as something automatic that should just be a natural reaction to a stimulus. It doesn't work that way forever.

I know you feel rejected, been there done that myself, but what I learned is that it wasn't all about me and my needs. I am still learning, and that part was about me. I didn't understand where my wife was coming from, and ultimately I didn't understand myself either. Don't look to blame. Look to find common ground and intimacy based in deep understanding of how you and your partner work.

16

Adjusting

by cognac in

jw
friends

just feel like i could never make it on the outside world.

i was never able to adjust, except in being a mom and in business.

those are the only things that i feel strong in.

dubstepped

I think that everything has a million implications when you're trying to hold onto something that you need to let go of. I was so worried about so many things as a JW. Everything we did was heavily scrutinized by everyone around us and by everything we read and heard. Every decision was life or death. My life is so much simpler after leaving the organization. All that stress just melted away. I cannot quantity the amount of relief. It's just amazing.

I've started my own business but never became a parent and I was able to get out. If you can do those two things you can too. I'm not saying it's easy, but it's possible. I'm a recovering perfectionist. I was sooooooo hard on myself. What I learned over time is the truth of the statement that you, as you are right now, are enough. I was addicted to striving to be more and do more because that's what the religion put in me.

I don't know you, but you must be strong to run a business and a family. That's tough. And you put a great emphasis on motherhood, which is beautiful, but you want to set a great example, right? What do you want your kids to see when they look at you? A person trapped, or a free spirit?

I need to make a thread about my journey out, but one of the biggest things that helped me break free of the mental and emotional chains was listening to great audio books that helped me to develop healthy perspectives on life. So much of reality is how we choose to, or have been trained to, see it. There is good and bad and we get to choose where to look.

I went from suicidal to the happiest and most well adjusted person many that know me know. I went from full of anxiety to peace. I went from having no friends in the organization to starting to develop new relationships on the outside, and I used to literally hate just about everyone. My life has transformed in so many powerful and positive ways. I stopped trying to force myself into the role I was given as a JW and realized through some powerful experiences that true power is shown not by trying to control everything by forcing it, but my allowing things to be as they are and accepting them. One thing I had to accept was that I didn't fit in as a JW no matter how hard I tried to force it. All of my prayers for friends were never answered the way I thought. Nobody in the organization cared at all and I was constantly turning away invitations from worldly people because I thought that's what God wanted. All along he was sending me what I needed but it didn't align with the JW teachings. I gave in and followed life and what it gave me and things finally started falling into place. It can happen for you too.

(((Hugs)))