she was about 13 or 14 when i first started having serious doubts about the wts.
when i informed her of my doubts a couple years later, she took the information and ran with it.... she never looked back.
i told her she could be whatever she wanted to be if she only worked hard enough.
GGG......Just want to add my congrats for what a great mom you are, to have accomplished so much for yourself and your kids in the last few years. I know the challenges you have faced and continue to face with a mate still inside the WTS....you have MUCH to be proud of, your beautiful, brilliant kids are a great testimony to your perseverance and love for your family. Give them both hugs from me, ok? And a big hug and smooch to you! You know I love ya!!!
bythesea
reading tmj4477's thread about religion after jw's and reading perry trying to counter ak-jeff on a thread about god and suffering, both of these made me want to post some eastern thought that doesn't fall into the category of "religious" but might help nonetheless.. .
excerpt from the wisdom of no escape (with subtitle: and the path of loving-kindness).
chapter 8: no such thing as a true storyin taoism there's a famous saying that goes, "the tao that can be spoken is not the ultimate tao.
I've read several of Pema Chodron's books....they really resonate with me and I keep Wayne Dyer's CD on the Tao in my car to listen to (alone) as I drive....it all makes so much sense. Wildflower, we share the same feelings.....wish you lived down the street so we could share!!
Great comments here and also on the thread on Awakening that someone started.....keep it up, it's what so many still need to be considering for their healing and moving on.
bythesea
i know some posters here went through or are going through some painful things right now because of no longer believing when they have a husband / wife that still does.
others were able to free the minds of their spouse.
i'm assuming the latter is a lot more rare.. anyone that wishes to share their story, please do.. i'm looking to pass the info on to someone who doesn't totally believe, but may marry a jw.
Sacdfan: I can really relate to your social situation. Same story here, and hubby is such a social animal that he complains more about not having "the friends" over more than any other aspect of us not being on the same page anymore! I've told him I'd be glad to cook up a meal and have people over but he doesn't invite them, probably because he knows they won't feel comfortable coming and they'd not have anything to talk about with me! I have had a non-jw couple over for dinner and he enjoyed himself, so he's not hardcore about associating with "worldly" people.
Our lives have had some serious ups and downs since I've been fading. He's pretty much quit asking if I'm going to a meeting with him or not which has made meeting nights less stressful. We're supposed to have a sit-down talk soon between us so he can learn just where I'm at about all of this now. I became inactive 4 yrs ago, and to keep a peaceful household we've had a truce and just mostly don't talk about any of it, but he's wanting that to change....yet he won't agree to hear anything that may come from apostate sites, anything critical.
I was a JW for several yrs before he became one....he followed me in, maybe he'll follow me out. Here's hoping!! We do love one another, he does have respect for me, he's just deeply entrenched still. sigh.
thank you for joining this site.
your inner knowledge is simply fascinating.
please tell us more!!!!
Chalam,
I watched the entirety of your posted video from the World Wide Church of God....it was very very good and with such close similarities to the WTS!! It's hopeful, isn't it, to think that perhaps some day something similar could happen within Bethel?? But, in their case, the men who went together as a group to discuss the errors of their doctrines were recv'd with love and openness and a willingness to make changes instead of fear and control. I don't know if we'll ever see the humblness in the GB as they saw in their leadership. The fallout was huge, and it was a devisive event, for sure, but those who were interviewed warmed my heart with their accounts.
I reccommend posters to go back and watch this video if they think there is no hope of anything ever changing within the WTS, it does give me hope, as it did you Chalam, that maybe some day there will be changes!! Thanks for making that video availble for us!!! My heart is a bit lighter tonight!!
bythesea
do you still contribute for literature, give to the worldwide work, kingdom hall fund or contribute towards the upkeep of your local kh?
if you do - why?.
I used to be the one who wrote out a check every month to put in the contribution box. When I started to fade I stopped doing that. I don't think my active JW husband noticed! Not until this past year when we did our taxes and we hardly had anything from donations to charities/religious stuff except mine to cancer funds, etc.
He's told me we need to step up our giving at the KH and so now I just hand him the checkbook and let him make out the check....I refuse to sign my name to anything going to them. As someone else mentioned, it feels like it's contributing to the pedophile fund!!
just wondering how all you slow faders are doing.i know this subject is discussed many times,but personally i wish it was more.we should post every once in a while just to say how we are doing,we need to encourage each other.as for me,it is still going very slow.right now i'm looking into the history that is being covered up.i have learned so much just by reading the older threads.it is very painful for me because this was the truth.and to be finding out so much crap that 99% of jw don't even know,it just is unbelievable.i have cut my field service down,and miss more meetings then i ever did.i'm hoping the sister that is in my face all the time,trying to help me,will forget about me soon......so how are you doing?.
Pat1060: That's a tough one with your neighbor. My hubby has started a couple of studies with worldly friends of ours and I've had to bite my tongue to not say something to discourage them from getting involved! I did tell one guy that he needed to do his own research into the religion as they are not your usual Christian group....shortly afterward he stopped his study, so don't know if he got online and found out stuff on his own or what, but I was relieved! haha Maybe you could suggest to her that it would give her a more rounded out view of the JW if she got non-JW's views of the religon? If you DON'T like her or want to have to deal with her then start being really busy!
I agree with Blondie that you should stop your field service....let that be the first big step you take. I haven't read back through your posts, so don't know if you have a significant other or are by yourself, but when my mate asked why I wasn't going to go in the door to door anymore(a statement I made one Saturday morning as he was getting ready to go) I just told him I couldn't go out and preach about stuff I no longer felt were truths. I refused to be a hypocrit just to make HIM look good to the brothers. Becoming inactive in the ministry helps because then you're not confronted with having to put on a dble face to people. I finally learned to be vague when asked why I wasn't in service or at meetings more. It's OK to not give long lengthy explanations to people, tell them its a personal issue and you don't feel free to talk about it!
PM me if you want to talk more about how I've managed my fade so far....I've made some errors, but thus far it's working out ok!
SD-7: Sheesh!!! Are you SURE this is the only recourse for you? I understand you loving your new bride, but can't you work on her to leave with you w/out returning to the vomit? Have you read Amazing1914's story of how he got his family out via his family study with them? It's on Freeminds site, I know. There are others from this site who have done the same, maybe someone else can give you their names and you can get some ideas of what worked for them. I hate to see that you've actually been irregular for a few mos and now think you have to go back in. But, let us know if we can help with any of it.
The best to both of you and all of us who are making our way on to a new life!
just wondering how all you slow faders are doing.i know this subject is discussed many times,but personally i wish it was more.we should post every once in a while just to say how we are doing,we need to encourage each other.as for me,it is still going very slow.right now i'm looking into the history that is being covered up.i have learned so much just by reading the older threads.it is very painful for me because this was the truth.and to be finding out so much crap that 99% of jw don't even know,it just is unbelievable.i have cut my field service down,and miss more meetings then i ever did.i'm hoping the sister that is in my face all the time,trying to help me,will forget about me soon......so how are you doing?.
Thanks for asking how we're doing! I know when I was first heading out of the WTS I also devoured everyone elses experiences to see how and what they were doing and how it was working...looking for a kind of map or guide for how to proceed. I don't post much on here but do read regularly and appreciate the many helpful topics and words of encouragement from so many who desire to help us faders.
I am now entering my 3rd yr of not being in field service, and am down to about 1-2 meetings a month. With an active and zealous JW spouse it isn't always easy but we seem to have come to an understanding and in all other areas of our life together we are doing ok. Our 2 adult children apparently have a "don't ask don't tell" where my inactivity is concerned. I guess the fact that I go to a meeting if they're here visiting keeps them ok with still associating with me, altho I'm sure they talk with their other parent about me!
I pretty much have been living my life as I wish for the last 2 yrs....the little compromises I make I can live with and what marriages don't include compromises? My mate wishes we were more social, like the old days, and I've told him I don't care if he wants to invite "friends" over, if they're comfortable being here that's fine, but he doesn't make the invitations. I've managed to dodge all elder visits, sheparding calls, CO visits, etc. so for now I feel like things are going well! I have no intention of DAing, that's THEIR rules and I don't play by those anymore. I am discreet in some things so as not to shake things up, but am living honestly and have a clear conscience....life is pretty good!
this is kind of hard to put into words.
i have faded for over a year now and have moved on with my new life.. i still have friends and family who are jws that i care for very much.
i don't say anything to them about jws and they don't know i no longer believe and miss meetings.. i am in contact with them because they are nice people even though they would shun me in a heartbeat if they found out about me - but - this is where it gets tricky.... i find the more things i do that are in opposition to jw rules and regulations, nothing bad mind you, the more disconnect i feel towards my jw relatives and friends.
I can relate to what you describe and figure it kind of goes with the territory when we're faders. It was the worst the first year or so and now, 3-4 yrs down the road, I've come to be in a better place when around friends/family who are still active JW. I still attend a meeting now and then for the sake of the JW who is my mate, and attend most assemblies as it gives me an opportunity to usually see other family that would cut me off if I didn't attend! We seem to have a "don't ask - don't tell" policy for where I'm at on the J W scale.
While I'm not longer a JW in any way shape or form in my thinking I still haven't gone off the deep end and I look for ways to still connect with family and friends...there is much more between us than our religious beliefs, I feel. Like you, I sometimes wonder what would happen if it all blew up but I just go on with my daily life and do pretty much what I want to and read what I want to (just keep it out of sight). I no longer feel such a disconnect as I did at the beginning, and try to show by my actions that my love for these JW people is what motivates me, not anybody telling me what I should be doing or believing in order to have them in my life. So far that's working.... Hang in there, it might get easier as time goes on.
bythesea
i am beginning to think not....elders still want to call on me rather than befriend me in any way.....and with a "good" wife and son and parents in, it seems like i still have one foot in only because of the overlap with my other "free" self........it is hard to really feel free in this situation, and is still have desire to just run the fluck away.....which would mean pretty much giving up my family in nearly every respect.
some here really miss their family and wife, others so love the freedom they seem able to move on and start fresh....as you know, i dont seem to have the balls for that, and at this point in my life the price seems to high to fully start over........it is the "one in one out limbo dance"......oompa.
Oompa.....I'm with Snakes on this, it requires some sacraficing on your part in order to keep close family relationships in tact, at least that has been my own experience since my fade began almost 4 yrs ago.
I too struggle with the thought that I must keep up some appearances in order to not have immediate family begin to shun me, and I had to come to terms with when and if I went to the KH with my mate, but we seem to have come to a compromise of sorts and it has gotten easier and there is much less tension in the house. And I'm not asked every meeting whether I am going or not, either I go in and get ready when they do or I don't, which makes it obvious.
Early on I was being asked when a good time for a sheparding call would be, no doubt spurred on by my faithful mate's request, but I always managed to not be available for one and now its been over 2 yrs since I've been asked, so that is mostly not an issue anymore...I think they do get tired of trying! And I see my meeting attendance, when I do go, as not hypocritical....I go for my mate, I don't pass myself off as interested or put on a show, I just go, am polite and visit with those I am inclined to (about non JW related subjects) and leave. I don't answer at the WT study, I don't make any comments of any religious nature, it's as tho I'm just a visitor, which is what I am. But, its a compromise I'm willing to make once or twice a month, or even the DC in the summer, to keep my family. I figure it's worth it in the long run....these are people I want and need and love and they're worth it.
It's not easy, I wish it were different, but it is what it is....I have my peace of mind about it all now, finally, and while I don't have total freedom in all things its enough for me to sleep at night and do what I want to do when I'm awake! Life is good.
i was talking with "worldly" friends the other day and they mentioned a jw friend they knew who recently had some serious surgery and received a special dispensation so that she could have blood for this surgery.
that's what they claim she told my friends....the husband is an elder, and it was suggested that through his contacts that he was able to get this for her.
i expressed disbelief and have asked my friends to see if they can get more info about her "dispensation" and whether she actually recv'd whole blood or fractions during surgery.
Thanks everyone for their comments, insights, opinions and take on my question regarding blood/dispensation. I'm still waiting for further info from the source of this dispensation statement, and if I receive information that clarifys anything I'll pass it along. Some interesting comments here!
