what I want is my past 20 years back when I had the energy to do something! and thats not happening. What I want I cant have. what I want Ill most likely never get to experience, namely, meeting someone with the same intrests as me , falling in love with that person, sharing freinds and family, and doing good things for others with that person.
You are correct that you can't get the last twenty years back, but you can choose how you spend the next twenty. Finding someone else is not impossible, or even that difficult. There are probably a lot of men that would be happy to have someone, and the internet makes it so much easier to find them. I found my soul mate at 45 (actually I met him at 16, long story), But even if you don't find someone being by yourself is better than what you have.
Im not so rotten as to demand that my husband sell the house and give me half. though I can. he has not done anything in the past few years that any judge would consider good enough reason to demand he surrender half his assets .
Girl, I don't know where to start with this. It's not rotten to ask to sell the house, you already own half of it if you live in a community property state. The law recognizes that even when you don't work you are entitled to property accumulated while you were married. When I got divorced my ex got half of my 401K, even though he had worked, but stupidly chose not to put money in his own retirement plan. I didn't think it was fair, but that is the law. In your case you worked all these years taking care of your husband and doing things for him, so it is fair and legal that you should get part of the house.
i dont mind being a wife, what i mind is being treated like a fleshly sister and not a wife. I get no comforting when Im sad, but Im his right arm.
I don't know you or your husband, but it sounds like you don't want a divorce, but for your husband to be more loving. If that is the case, there are a number of things you can do to change things. The most important thing is that your husband will never value and cherish you if you don't value and cherish yourself. It's very clear you have low self esteem, which is hardly surprising given your history of being a JW. They like to make people feel worthless, it's how they work. It also doesn't help that you don't have a job outside the home, people often get validation and self esteem from their job. But that doesn't mean you are hopeless, only that you will have to work at it a bit more.
You need to stop thinking about yourself the way you do. No matter what has happened in the past,you are a human being and as deserving of respect, happiness and love as much as anyone else. So stop thinking of yourself as hopeless, because you aren't. I a lso have health issues and am not employed outside the home, so I get it, really I do. Being sick makes it really hard to think in a positive way, but I realized that if I am ever to get better I needed to stop putting myself down and start thinking positive. Have you ever heard the term "fake it till you make it"? I decided to do that, to start acting as if I was happy, healthy and an optimist, even if that was not what I felt like. You know what? It worked. It's not easy some days, but I kept at it, eventually I started actually feeling positive.
I have a really great husband, but at times I felt he didn't respect me also. I had a hard time asking for things because I felt guilty for not working, and when I did ask, he would sometimes say no. I finally realized I needed to stop acting like a doormat, that my doing so was contributing to his treating me like a child. Now if I need something, I simply state what and why, I present it as a done deal. I am careful to not abuse this, I don't spend money frivolously, but I don't apologize that I need something. Of course your situation is different, but it's a given that no one will feel your needs are important until you feel they are.
Another issue I have had in my marriage is communication. I sometimes thought Mr. Chips knew that I didn't like something, so when he continued to do it, I took it as disrespect and became hurt and angry. I finally realized that many times he actually didn't know, he either forgot what I told him, or didn't realize how much it bothered me. So it's very important to be absolutely clear on what you need and want, and also what you don't. It's not magic, he may still not get it, but if you are clear and consistent as to your needs, you at least know what you are dealing with. Men tend to be big picture thinkers and not pick up subtleties of relationships, it's just how they are wired, so you need to be very clear and consistent to get your point a cross. It's unfair to him if you are mad at him if he doesn't know what he did wrong.
It's OK to ask to be consoled, if that is what you feel you need. It doesn't make you a witch to ask for comfort, most men want to feel helpful, it may actually make your husband feel better to think you need him. If you are sad, say you are sad and if he made you feel sad, it's OK to say so, as long as you don't do it in an angry way. This is really a hard one for me, I hate to ask for things, but men don't read minds, so you have to get over that. It's hard at first, but gets easier.
now im running out of strength, i dont have it in me physically to work a 40 hour work week. thats a problem for me because how does one support themselves with not enough income? I have no useful 'resume'. when my husband left me two yeas ago, i got a job as a cashier, I was a horrible cashier, they kept giving me fewer and fewer hours to make me quit.
It's hard getting a job st this stage in your life, I am struggling with his as well. I had a business where we used to live, but haven't been able to establish myself here, and having health issues makes it ten times more difficult. I even failed at volunteering. But don't give up, there has to be a job out there for you. You may be a bit slow, but you have years of experience in doing things, that counts. Studies show that younger people learn faster, but older people are better at using the things they do know. Present yourself as a mature, dependable worker, someone who can be relied on. Be open to different possibilities. For now, make finding a job your job and devote just as much time to it as you would a job. Set time aside every day to look. Get help getting your resume put together, emphasizing your skills and maturity. Consider taking a class in a marketable skill. There are lots of jobs out there that don't demand lightning fast reflexes.
For now I am working at my business, making inventory so that when I get an opportunity I will be ready. I am planning to look for work or a new volunteer opportunities next month also, I think I will feel better if I am more productive. I am also catching up on organizing and cleaning my house so that I can focus on my business and/or volunteering next month. The point is to keep moving forward in some way. Doing so will give you more strength, as you get excited about your life and get a feeling of accomplishment.
