Posts by J-ex-W

there was one jw young man that talked to me continuously and who also lived right next door, 25 yrs old, a best friend of my step-son, (we all fished on my boat at least a half dozen times together).

J-ex-W

I would handle it the same way I handled worldly funerals as a Witness: Dress up in best attire and attend in the back or back room, if available. Maybe in the lobby for you, if you prefer--I did that at my grandma's Catholic funeral when I felt like I was giving a bad witness to enter in past the holy water [expectation was to dip fingers in it and genuflect (cross yourself) before going in]. I didn't want people thinking I had done that and being 'stumbled,' so I sat on the steps just outside, in the front foyer. Catholic relatives were just glad I came.

Think about your relationship to this young man, not the...congregation.

5

Bipartisan Political Bumper Sticker

by Outaservice in

this can be used by both parties................. .

"run hillary run".

republicans put this on the front of their car, and democrats put it on the rear!.

J-ex-W

LOL

51

Do JWs qualify as Christ disciples based on John 13:34, 35?

by Sola Scriptura in

jw
friends

im a long time lurker first time poster.

i am an open minded jw who believes in freeness of speech.

i love my faith and my worldwide brother and sisterhood (even though i see much room for improvement in how things are run).. i thought i would stir things up a bit with the following question:.

J-ex-W

That makes a lot of sense! --Trust true clarification of the Christian Greek Scriptures to come from a...
...heathen!
eh , so what are you saying , that you agree the 4 gospel accounts and everything but Pauls writings were exclusively for the jews? Gee I wonder why the entire new testament was written in greek and not hebrew then , makes perfect sense to me ...... I'm a heathen in the sense that I don't practice organized religion , doesn't mean I can't discuss bible related topics .........

heathen...I'm not sure if we're communicating here. I was actually saying your point makessense. I was AGREEING with you...not being sarcastic, as I think you might have thought?

8

Made my family sign a "Peace Contract"

by lovelylil in

jw
friends

so this is the thing.

i have been having panic attacks about things going on in my home.

my hubby has a terrible temper when he gets made at the kids and grew up in a home where hitting and screaming were normal.

J-ex-W

I also, at one time, intro'd a jar labeled, "Mom's Mexican Village Fund." I told the kids that every time they called each other a name or used put downs or yelled, etc.--because it was causing ME stress and making it so I needed a BREAK--then they would have to put a nickel or dime into the jar (depending on how much allowance they got). And if I broke any of those rules, I had to put in a quarter.

The quarter cough-up happened only once, and I got a nice meal out on the kids a few weeks later. Behavior DOES improve when they have these very concrete reinforcers on the table.

8

Made my family sign a "Peace Contract"

by lovelylil in

jw
friends

so this is the thing.

i have been having panic attacks about things going on in my home.

my hubby has a terrible temper when he gets made at the kids and grew up in a home where hitting and screaming were normal.

J-ex-W

loevelylil----------- WOW!!!!!!!!!! And, WOW!!!!!!!!!!!! I am seriously proud and impressed!!!!!!

I have put my foot down using similar methods in the past with my own kids (something my ex-husband would never had submitted himself to...and I would never would have thought about telling HIM it applies to him and is not optional.

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One word of advice: Now that you've put your foot down on the kids' acting out, prepare for a rise in tattletale behavior. I had to get creative in dealing with some things with my children--one of which was when tattle-telling was an ongoing problem. I began to feel like a gripe-box, and I was tired of having 'deposits' made into me--so I got the idea to take a square tissue box and covered it with deco. paper and introduced it to the kids. I told them that I am NOT a gripe box--that this is a gripe box, and from now on, any gripes they have about each other, they can put it into the Gripe Box, and at the end of each day, I will go over the contents and address each gripe as I see fit.

You wouldn't believe the flurry of furious activity that thing saw!! The kids almost tripped over themselves and each other putting 'deposits' into the gripe box--and especially when they noticed that one of their brothers was putting something in about them...then a retaliatory gripe had to be submitted. Even my youngest, who couldn't yet write, was making heavy deposits!!!

My kids were all elementary age then, but older kids under crackdown WILL REGRESS, and these kinds methods of containing the chaos are still effective. I used to show my ex-husband some of the entries made by the kids--and we would just ROAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! --Especially when it was so totally obvious, by one sheet sticking to the back of another one, that it came as a direct result of one son's indignation at being tattled on by another! I've kept those for memoribilia.

Anyway, good luck with the whole thing...totally awesome!!

21

Got home from the meeting the other day and couldn't stop crying

by JamieL in

jw
friends

i know everyone here thinks it's probably a waste of time for me to keep going to meetings cause i'm disfellowshipped.

but i go for my own reasons, i explained these a while back when i first posted on here.

he's a jw, but we are like brothers so he contacts me sometimes and it makes me feel a little better.

J-ex-W

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( JamieL ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you've been through this, hon.

You're not the first person to tell this kind of story and, unfortunately, won't be the last. But you CAN KNOW that these things happening are in no way, shape, or form a reflection on YOU, on who you are inside (neither character nor 'orientation'). Your ex had some insight...and a whole lot of growing up yet to do. That is not your fault. You can take the good stuff she gave you and cherish that and let the rest be leaves to the wind (they don't have to stick to you).

I once looked at a friend and very gingerly--but point blank--asked her if she had been molested by her brother. I asked this, not because of any special power or connection I had into her soul, but to an experienced or trained eye, certain subtle but telltale signs will be there. She had unknowingly demonstrated enough of them that I was moved to ask, to see if I could in some way help her.

She responded to me in what I can only expect is much like the way you responded to your ex-'s gentle peek into the deep and tender pain. Her trust in me grew greatly and rapidly and she became very dependent on me (and a very few trusted others) through the process of seeking healing.

My point is, you CAN find this kind of knowing, unconditionally compassionate acceptance through someone NOT your ex. There are others out there who are able to discern and to understand and to care...and even if they are uninformed, so they cannot discern on their own, they may be ready to understand and to care once YOU are ready to open up trust and initiate the subject.

You WILL find it again, JamieL...and with somebody who WILL have the maturity and strength of character to never use it as a club against you in the future. [--The fact that she has done this is absolutely despicable!!]

You LET YOURSELF CRY. Tears are chemically cleansing, ridding the body of a buildup of stress-induced toxins. It's as natural and self-nurturing as blowing your nose on a regular basis. You deserve to care well for yourself and to be well cared for. You will find the person who understands and lovingly demonstrates that.

4

info on recognizing abusers/ personality disorders

by J-ex-W in

found a website that talks about narcissistic personality disorder (and borderline and anti-social, etc.

) and how to recognize it and stop the abuse.. http://tearsandhealing.com/narcissistic-personality-disorder5.htm?utm_content=5whatis-ishe-notcrazy-lrndis-stopab&gclid=ckpeqekngyocfqlqwaodukvqqw.

http://www.toddlertime.com/sam/66.htm.

J-ex-W

It should be noted that people who get pushed into behaving as Inverted Narcissists are NOT necessarily true I.N.'s. A true I.N. will seek out ONLY relationship/ connection with a Narcissist and only feels personally satisfied when killing themselves to satisfy that N. (basically).

Healthy people can be pushed into the behavior by a set-up system of rewards and punishments that operate in true N. mode and rob the person of outside moderating feeback/ rewards. The healthy person will eventually learn to recognize their own predicament, however, and do what it takes to extricate themselves from the unhealthy situation. Problem is, N.'s and narcissistically run org.'s like the WTB&TS prefer to make this next to impossible (to escape without without serious burns), so many continue the behavior even while not being true I.N.'s...until they reach a point where they feel like the CAN get out or MUST get out or, basically, spiritually (or physically) die.

After reading the above info and other stuff about the N. / I.N. stuff, I came to realize that my ex-husband operates (in different contexts) as both N. and I.N. In our marriage, he operated as N., which forced me to operate as I.N. In relation to his older brother, whom he has basically worshiped for as long as I can remember, he operates as I.N.--admiring excessively traits of his JW brother (while refusing to recognize similar strengths/ latent potential of his own) and killing himself to satisfy that brother/ employer's unreasonable work demands--feeling quite proud of being able to perform on the level his N.-operating brother expects.

And now, too, he is splitting his I.N. loyalties between his N. JW brother/ employer and the N. WBT&TS--which is only truly permissible because of the I.N. role his JW brother adopts in relation to N. WTB&TS as well. So my ex channels his I.N. energy into his N. brother--this then (by extension) spilling over onto the brother-approved, also N., WTB&TS, feeding into the Org.'s narcissistic supply. I would be hard pressed to believe that my ex could continue serving the N. Org, however, if his N. brother ceased doing so. Just a thought.

BTW, I'm not truly convinced as to whether the brother is a true N. or is simply trained into operating that way by his Jdub/ abusive family background. My ex I am quite clear on: He ISan N. (as family head)--and an I.N. in any other context.

And in the course of the marriage, I was pushed into operating like an I.N.--during which I happily transferred my energies over to the WTB&TS, believing (initially) that this was pleasing to my N. husband and the family-centric JW relatives of his. Then I was I.N. to TWON.'s (husband and org.), and between the two of them, it was killing me!!! Being NOT a true I.N., I eventually knew I had to GET OUT. Which, of course, I did...of both...Thank goodness!!

Man, I hope you all don't mind these excessively long rants. Sometimes it's just what spills out. I hope it's useful for someone.

4

info on recognizing abusers/ personality disorders

by J-ex-W in

found a website that talks about narcissistic personality disorder (and borderline and anti-social, etc.

) and how to recognize it and stop the abuse.. http://tearsandhealing.com/narcissistic-personality-disorder5.htm?utm_content=5whatis-ishe-notcrazy-lrndis-stopab&gclid=ckpeqekngyocfqlqwaodukvqqw.

http://www.toddlertime.com/sam/66.htm.

J-ex-W

CoCo,

Actually, what you described is what I recognized (by reading those sites) as "Inverted Narcissm." It's when someone has to hook up with a narcissist and can only comfortably claim any accomplishment of their own as coming THROUGH the narcissist. In other words, they try to be the superlative in accomplishin whatever it is that happens to be pleasing to the Narcissist. [A great comic example of this is the gay-seeming male assistant to Vanessa William's character on Ugly Betty.]

In other words, the Org. was started by Narcissists--Russell, Rutherford, others--and so has been run on the level of the personality/ expectations of a demanding narcissist. People who are part of that kind of org. structure--and attempt to THRIVE, not just survive, in it--are or behave like Inverted Narcissists. They do everthing in their superlative power to feed the Narcissist's incessant demands (on the terms dictated by the Narcissist), and feel uplifited ONLY when the Narcissist is smiling approval--which, of course, is cyclic and never lasts long. And the Inverted Narcissist learns to put ever increasing unreasonable demands/ expectations on himself in the process.

The I.N. is ONLY ALLOWED to be proud of the accomplishments that the N. gives permission of which to boast (like the ones you listed). And of course, if anyone tries to give credit for good works to the I.N. alone, the I.N. will strongly (even angrily) assert that the credit for I.N.'s good work REALLY belongs to N. [Because that is the real understanding between them. No matter what good things an I.N. does, credit goes to N.

So all the great traits/ skills/ resources that individual people in the JW org. may have--speaking ability, intelligence, money, time, compassion--are only to be allotted in whatever manner the Org. (N.) sees fit. If I.N.'s (congregation member's) resources are exercised outside the range permitted by Org. (N.), the Org. (N.) will bear down with excessive pressureon I.N. (cong. mem.) to get back in line or CUT OFF the I.N., having determined the I.N.'s previous usefulness is now used up.

Another example of this is my former JW mother-in-law. She used to WORSHIP the ground her JW elder husband walked on, and would become very angry at the idea of her/ any woman being anything other than in absolute obedience to the husband. Regardless of what issue raised, she would staunchly affirm the woman's rightful place to behave only as a I.N. to her N. husband. And a congregation member to behave as I.N. to the N. WTB&TS.

And, of course, the Org. is set up to perpetuate this pattern.

Is any of this making sense? 'Cause I'm not sure, but I think I may have lost myself on this one.