Hi Missanna,
I read your story and basically it's sort of the same situation that I went through. Abuse and neglect from the elders. I left the org. when I was 16 ( a month before my 17th b-day) so it's been 19 years. (woohoo!)
When I left I was in group homes etc. and would speak to councillors and all that. They told me that I seemed to know what I was doing and the roads to take and all that and encouraged me.
However, it's now 19 years later. During these last 19 years I've struggled and worked hard. When I left the org and my mom, I went into a 7 year relationship with a guy that I had known through school for a year. We did quite well together financially and I thought I was really really happy. Everyone thought we would be together forever. Well, at 24 he told me that I wasn't his dream girl any more. Looking back, I realized that he was actually very abusive to me mentally. He used to berate me and call me names etc. Shortly after we broke up, I was layed off from my job because of cut backs.
After that relationship, I got into a 5 year relationship with a guy that was 5 years younger than me. I started this new relationship and changed jobs and my bf lost his job and decided to go back to school. I encouraged him and supported him for the 3 years he was in school. Once he got outta school he got into drugs and all that and then he broke up with me, which I know now is a good thing, but it really hurt my ego. Here I was now 29 years old, single, and just got layed off another job that I had been at for 5 years. But I continued on.
My sister was in a loveless marriage and I moved into their basement suite. Her and I would go out drinking and partying like 4 or 5 days a week. I had got another job which was paying me less money and was a step down in title but it was a big company and had a lot of chances for advancement. I partied from about 29 to 31 (2000 to 2003) when I met another guy that I fell deeply in love with. He was 8 years younger than me but he had his shit together and we shared the same goals and morals. I was impressed. During this time, my sister decided that she was going to leave her husband and start doing hardcore drugs like Meth, Crack, etc. She changed dramatically! The scary thing was she had a daughter. Not only this but my sister decided that she was bi-sexual. So, I settled down from partying and started to build up my finances again. Things were going kinda crappy at this new job, my sister was going through shit, I had to take care of my niece and have her live with me, my sister's husband had a restraining order on my sis (they are both former JW's btw) and he wasn't really interested in his daughter as he was starting a new relationship with a woman that had kids. Then me and my BF broke up after being together for a year and ahalf because he needed "space". I was heart broken. I had finally thought that things were going good. By this time it is now 2004.
I was so stressed out and it started to show. By the end of 2004 I was constantly getting sick. By July 2005, I had to go off work on medical leave and have been off work since then. I am now dealing with my demons that I never "had time" to deal with cuz I was always so busy trying to "make it" and to help others that I love that I never gave the time for myself. I've been having nightmares of my mother for the last 2 years and sometimes I sit back and cry thinking about what she and the JW's put me through. I feel like I'm breaking down. In 2003, my mother took her mother to SASK (that's where all my gramma's bro's and sis's are - she's not a JW) to get her away from his sis's and to try and "convince" my gramma to become a JW. My gramma wanted nothing to do with it. My mom took all her money and bought a new car and a house for herself. My mom tells people that she doesn't have children that they died so that they'll feel sorry for her. Well, last year my aunts had to go to SASK to get my gramma because my mother had abused and neglected her. She had bruises all up her body and a black eye. My gramma was 95 (now 96) yrs old.
I am very close to my gramma and I was devestated to hear this.
Anyway, I wanted to share my story of what my life has been like after I left the JW's because what I'm realizing now is that if I would have had therapy and continued therapy after I left instead of trying to do it all myself, I probably would have had a better life afterwards.
That being said, I am dealing with my demons now, and I am in therapy and have found this site awesome! I am in a new relationship with a man that I am totally in love with that loves me unconditionally. He supports me emotionally and is just the greatest guy ever.
So the whole point of my story is to encourage you to get therapy NOW... Don't try and do it alone. You are lucky that you have a husband to support you but trust me, 19 years down the road, you don't want the demons coming out.
Take care and best wishes.. :)