Hi Paradisebeauty,
English isn't my first language either.
I thought you explained the position you now find yourself in very clearly.
I went through a similar state of mind. It was a very formative experience in my faith. I call it an epiphany, where almost scales of misbelief fell from my eyes and "the truth about the Truth" became obviously clear to see. There was a focusing on beliefs and practices of the JW religion that left me emotionally torn yet happy that I was seeing real truth, real light not any false "new light" nor the speculated truths of the WT society.
I did a lot of research and CoC was a big help. I came to understand that no organization can lay claim to being God's representative on Earth, nor his "Channel".
Like at no time before in my life, the parable of the wheat and the weeds made sense. It is all about our personal relationship with a higher power and a higher consciousness. I accepted Jesus words to go following his ways as best I could, and I've been trying to do so in my life. And... it is ok if we fail from time to time, because life is, after all, a chance to try and better ourselves, to come to know that we can learn from making mistakes and this results in our having empathy for others and the realization that we would be hypocrites to judge others, for we are all trying to find our way through life.
But having faith that Jesus is "lfe" and "truth" and "light" was an epiphany for me in the truest sense and I don't expect others to understand my personal experience without having bee through something similar themselves. It was an experience, a realization, that came slowly like a healing sore, but then all of a sudden the scab fell of and the sense of relief was immense.
In Ray Franz's writings he says that for him it was like a sense of rejoining the human race, as if being in the JW religion had sequestered him away from other human beings. I find truth in those feelings.
Although I feel constrained by my wife's continued loyalty and servitude to the WT cult, I am by no means enslaved to it, I know I am by choice bound to her, and I do not want to lose her over the cult. Coming to finally realize this was a very difficult time for me. I cried tears of anguish for the years of wasted life I spent in this cult. But what followed, for me, were tears of joy as well. I was now free of the mental control, and the anxieties of JW life. But most of all, I felt the fear they had ingrained in me, the fear of dying, the fear of being judged at Armageddon for not having done enough in the cult--I felt it dissipate. I no longer am afraid of the "hounders", the elders of which body I was a member and was expected to do my part in "hounding" the congregation. Oppose them and they will flee, has been my experience.
So I hope that answers some of your question about how I got away from the Org and my change over from belief to disbelief in this "false" religion.
When I thought long and hard about what to do next, one thing did help me a lot. I listened to Ed Dunlop's experience on tape, it's available on the net, and others from that time of trouble at Bethel. Several of the victims of that witch-hunt were latinos and I found I related very emotionally to their experience and it made a big impact on my decision to stand up to the JW higher ups. I was not going to be "processed" and sifted like a defective product, the defect wasn't mine. It is the organization that has the dent in its mold. I rejected them and their hold over me and my mind.
Although, I'm now just considered inactive, I feel I've broken away enough for comfort. Perhaps in the future I'll separate even more from this cult. But the world is full of "cults". I now see Catholicism and Islam as cultish. Hinduism, Buddhism and any other 'ism' is now just a belief system founded by men, full of men's thoughts and failures.
Among this fog of isms, I've decided to follow the simple and worthwhile moral codes that Jesus preached: To love our neighbors as ourselves, to apologize for our shortcomings and seek forgiveness-- through our belief in something greater than ourselves. This is truth, for me, and it's become my guiding light. I take pleasure in reading the gospels with the understanding that men are fallible and not everything needs absolute accuracy in the telling, but that the precepts and the commands expressed by Jesus and his disciples in the New Testament (those so called "Greek Holy Scriptures), to have the moral decency and empathy for those less fortunate that we are is what leads me from day to day, as I try to live the rest of my life free from the mental repression and influence of the JW organization.
So you do well to consider your own path and your own future steps. Even if you stumble from time to time it is your own experience and your own opportunities to learn from "missteps". Having joined a high control religious organization was probably a bit stumble for you like its been for many here on JWD forum network. But look at it this way, you have company, we have share experience and we can support each other as we progress in our lives. Take what is good from the counsel you receive in reading these posts, throw away what you deem unhelpful.
Sometimes difficult situations bring out the best in a person. Don't be afraid to make mistakes, but when you make them, seek to learn from them. Painful mistakes can also be great opportunities to know yourself better and make your character even stronger and prepared for other challenges in life.
So then forge ahead, do what you understand to be good for you and others. That's been my experience of what has worked best for me in seeking a calm spirit free from religiously forced anxiety and distress.
I wish you peace.
