Forgive me if I come across as ignorant or arrogant for that matter, I lack an education and therefore do not know much of what many of you may in terms or research studies on the subject.
First off, don't be so hard on yourself, all of your posts that i have read are very intelligent, you seem to be quite the autodidact. Second, I was in kinda the same place you seem to be in spiritually a few years ago.
O.k first off, in my many experiments w/ multiple tarot decks, I find them to be a valuable psychoanalytical tool, no matter who is being "read" including oneself, although whenever I did a reading on me it always seemed to come out " Go figure it out for yourself, I'm not goin' there! And it eventually became a crutch that i felt I no longer needed, life is much more exciting whn you don't know whats gonna happen next.
As per spirituality, I don't find any set "belief" system to be accurate. I for instance cannot believe in a god that is omnipotent, omniscient & omnibenevolent, as it creates WAY too many paradoxes. I definitely don't believe in the traditional Judeo-christian interpretaiton of a god, cuz that guy is a jerk.
That being said, I think there are higher intelligences in the universe. Whether they are "creators" or worthy of '"worship, I don't know & it does'nt usually keep me up nights these days. I figure, we're all gonna find out sooner or later anyway, so I don't worry & follow the basic precept of most religions, Be nice! Do as though wilt and harm none, etc. I like pagannism as it is more of a Dionysan religion as opposed to an Apollonian one. I think one should take big bites outa life, moderation is for monks.