I can certainly sympathize with you, Joelbear. My upbringing did a lot to influence my low self esteem, and I didn't have to struggle with sexual orientation like you did. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be a gay JW!!
In my case, both of my parents have extremely low self esteem. My dad is a very bright man; he dropped out of high school, then later went back to get his GED (when I was a child, he was working in the building where the GED test was being given; he stopped to ask about it and they invited him in; he took the test and got one of the highest scores in the state--no studying at all and at the age of about 35!). He's very well read and can converse on almost any topic. But he feels terribly inadequate around people who are educated. My parents have several "worldly" friends who are retired physicians, and my dad feels so inferior around them that he can't let his hair down and enjoy their friendship, so he keeps them at arm's length. One of these retired doctor's wives told my mom that *her husband* felt inferior around my *dad* because my dad can do almost anything--build a house (including electrical and plumbing), rebuild engines (he rebuilt an old airplane and several vehicles from the ground up), etc. And this retired doctor can't do any of those things; now that he's retired he doesn't feel like he's good for anything. Isn't life funny?
My mom's parents died when she was a child and she was raised by uncaring, sometimes abusive, siblings. She was absolutely gorgeous; very pretty with a fabulous figure, but she always felt she was very unattractive, even though she had a million boys chasing after her.
So what chance did my self esteem have with parents like this? Very little. Add to that the fact that I was a female growing up in the JW religion, where women have little to no worth, and it's easy to understand why someone like me would suffer from self esteem problems. I married the first boy who asked me (at age 17) because I thought that would be my only chance to get married (I also thought I was unattractive and no one would ever like me). It wasn't until about 11 years into that disastrous marriage, when I started working in a glass shop with 25 men, that I discovered I really *was* attractive and didn't have to settle for the creep I married.
I still struggle with my self esteem (so does my little sister; we try to help each other). But some of the things that have helped me are:
Therapy--I found a great therapist who has now worked with a lot of ex-JWs.
College--When I went to college I was a housewife and recently divorced mother of two. I had no skills and hadn't been in school for 13 years. The fact that I was able to get through college successfully and support those two boys by myself (and later a deadbeat second husband as well) gave me a lot more confidence.
Accomplishments--I've had a terrific career since I graduated. I've held jobs where I oversaw staff and managed budgets of half a million dollars a year. With each new job and new skill I learn, my confidence grows a bit.
My children--My two boys have grown up to be pretty terrific men. They've made mistakes and they aren't perfect, but I'm proud of how hardworking, sensitive and loving they are. That's my greatest accomplishment. Neither of them has ever said a harsh word to me, and they both tell me they love me all the time and give me lots of hugs and kisses. Not too many 20-something men do that!
I have a long way to go; I still put myself down something fierce. But I realize that this issue was pretty much inbred in me and I'll have to fight it all my life. But I can look at my parents and see that I've made some progress. Still, it's a never-ending journey.
Joelbear, so many people here love you and admire you, including me, even though I don't know you other than reading your posts and looking at your web site. It's hard to convince a person of his worth, though, if he doesn't believe it himself. I hope that you can start to make progress with your feelings. Take it one day at a time, and try really hard to turn to your friends for support. They love you and want to help you.
Julie