Hi Seattle,
I remember you. Welcome back
I can relate very much to your experience. As I reached my breaking point a couple of years before I left, I developed a plethera of psychosomatic symptoms that grew increasingly worse over time. I had a constant low grade fever, migraines, and severe muscle pain. It gradually evolved into a total dissociation, in which I was driving down a road that I had taken thousands of times before and I had no idea where I was! I actually pulled off the road and sat for awhile, trying to remember where I was going and what I was going to do. This prompted me to take action and seek the help of a doctor, who helped me with the pain issue, and gently suggested that it may be a psychological problem that was plaguing me.
I was in deep denial at first, but over time I began to realize that the symptoms would intensify when I went to meetings, and go away when I skipped meetings for a couple of weeks. Then, a JW friend that I trusted told me about the Silent Lambs issue, and my whole perception began to shift. When I attended my last Memorial, I had an all out panic attack, and I knew then that I could never go to another meeting at the Kingdom Hall again. At first, I told myself that it was "the people, not the religion." I thought I could remain JW, and just not go to meetings. But over a few months, I realized that it was indeed the religion. I knew I had to leave, but it scared the crap out of me to even think about it. All sorts of thoughts of raced through my head. I really felt that I was letting God down, and I feared his dissapointment more than anything else in life (a pattern I later learned, that had more to do with my relationship to my parents than anything else).
I was a physical and emotional mess for awhile. I just couldn't deal with people-not even my own family. I spent a lot of time alone, walking and reflecting and writing in my journal.
One day, when I was walking, I realized that I had to make an official break with the org. The idea of leaving the only belief system that I really understood was terrifying, but I knew that if things kept going as they were, the stress was going to kill me. I actually prayed a really long prayer as I walked and cried, asking for God to give me some guidance, any guidance. I started running, as if I could run away from the intense pain I was feeling. Then I had a really strange experience.
I got a very clear picture in my mind of a young woman. She told me her name, and told me that everything was going to be okay. I am telling you-I was freaking by this point, yet somehow felt peaceful inside for the first time about my decision.
Over a period of three days, this woman appeared in my dreams, and continued to let me know that things were going to be okay. After that, I had to deal with feelings of being "disconnected," but I no longer felt the absolute terror that I had felt before.
At first, I thought this was something mystical, but as I look back on the experience, I believe that the woman was a manifestation of my subconscious, that helped me to be able to reason on a point that I couldn't consciously wrap my head around. The contradiction of a positive message from a Goddess figure, when I had been raised in a totally patriarchal ideology really broke through my dysfunctional belief system and made me start to think about how things really were, as opposed to what I wanted them to be. Especially since the only thing I knew about goddesses at that time was negative stuff I had heard at the meetings.
When I officially DAd, my physical symptoms got much worse for awhile, then gradually improved. Like you, I find they return when I deal with remnants of my JW mindset. I see them as a kind of warning system now, and try to find out what the trigger is, although sometimes I can't place my finger on it.
I've talked to people who have left other high control groups about this, and they relate the same kind of feelings-especially when they have to deal with ex-spouses and children who are still connected to the high control group, or with issues that are so contrary to their former indoctrination. The messages they give me repeatedly are: give it time-you didn't get this way overnight, continue to educate yourself, learn and practice critical thinking skills, and don't be so hard on yourself.
It's so hard to follow their advice! I'm a perfectionist by nature, and I've always thought I was in control of my thoughts and actions, including my involvement with the JWs. Yet so many others have commented on how unaware and unsure I am of my own abilities, I realize that I still have a long way to go. I am often paralyzed with fear, unable to take action because I'm afraid my actions might hurt other people ( a fear that was drummed into me not only by the religion, but by my family), yet I have a strong need to reach out and help others. I'm just not quite sure how to do it yet.
So I muddle on, trying to make sense of things. I'm reading lots, volunteering in the community in nonleadership roles, and doing lots of journaling. And giving it time. I was in for about twenty years. I've only been out for two, so I'm a baby yet, chronologically speaking.
It's funny-as I looked over this before I hit the post button, I got an incredible sense of guilt. I'm not sure if what I've posted will help you or not. I feel like I'm being self-centered, writing in the first person and not giving you direct advice. So many times, I've written posts like this, then not posted them. This time, I'm going to hit the post button.
If you get nothing else from this post-please know that you are not alone in your feelings.
