Posts by DarioKehl

11

Fading: Slow-Torture Approach to Exit Strategy

by DarioKehl in

jw
friends

i posted earlier on here today about the gut-wrenching physical ailments that come from living a double life as a fader.

it's effort.

it's work!

DarioKehl

Thanks guys...

Yeah, I don't know what would be worse for my parents: the sexual preference thing or the apostate thing. LOL! They're both JW parents' worst fears and here I am! I'm the one and only family member who has 'em both! The fade up til now has worked wonderfully. I have avoided meetings and service for 2 years. The only contact I have are with people who I've known forever who live far away and we only see each other maybe once a year. Other than that, I have zero contact with dubs and have no desire to ever again. There are many I stay in touch with who faded or were never baptized. Getting affairs in order is a great way to put it. It's like I'm stacking up pillows so I can survive a long jump. I've "padded" my landing area be finding many DFed people (thanks to Facebook and other media) and even done some healing exercises where I've found people in the past who I hurt in some way while enforcing JW protocol (yes, I was a whistle-blowing goody-2-shoes and loved shunning and bad-mouthing "weak" people). What an asshole I was. But I didn't realize it at the time! This brainwashing really does allow the GB to be your puppet master in ways you'd never realize from inside. I don't fear being alone. I just don't want to be the ONE in the family to bring the biggest tragedy they'll ever endure.

I want the freedom someday to eventually hang lights and enjoy a satisfying relationship with someone (I'm an 80/20 bisexual in favor of dudes but opposed to starting a family some day if I find the right match). I definitely want the freedom to LIVE MY LIFE. I wanna say what I wanna say, do what I wanna do and be able to post pictures on my own FB of me and any significant other doing, drinking, smoking whatever we want without fear of "someone finding out and telling." I want to skydive for instance and I probably will very soon, but it sucks having to edit my stories when I'm around my family. If I did, I'd never be able to tell them how wonderful it was, or share my pictures of it. You see, when I cant talk about things, I still feel like I'm lying. If I can't handle these feelings of dishonesty, the easiest escape might be getting DFed so the problem just effin goes away. I dunno. I'll sleep on it for a few more ...months

11

Fading: Slow-Torture Approach to Exit Strategy

by DarioKehl in

jw
friends

i posted earlier on here today about the gut-wrenching physical ailments that come from living a double life as a fader.

it's effort.

it's work!

DarioKehl

I posted earlier on here today about the gut-wrenching physical ailments that come from living a double life as a fader. It's effort. It's work! I have to try and remember who knows what, where, when and I'm always double-checking alibis. I'm an ADULT and I feel like a teenager sneaking out of the house to go makeout (...like I'd know what that feels like--I was a good, petrified, brainwashed DUB drone who never endulged in normal adventures like that, but you know what I mean). I'm constantly afraid of "getting in trouble." I'm sick of it. I have found mental freedom from the borg. I'm OUT, just on the inside. It's like, I got through the ticket counter at Disney World but haven't walked through the final gate into the park--I'm where I wanna be! I see everything. I see the good, the bad, the ugly, the scary and it's such a rush! But I'm emotionally cockblocked and can't go through with entering the park and enjoying it. FEAR. Fear and dread of WHAT. OTHERS. WILL. THINK. And it's starting to anger me. I've had very powerful dreams for the past few nights where I'm absolutely telling my mom off--I mean nasty, profane, hateful, awful things--and it feels GREAT!!! But in real life, I'm not angry. We have a great relationship on the face. The only time our relationship hits a wall is when WT comes in. That's always been a force that can take a perfectly stable, happy day and turn it into a hateful battle of angry words and tears. Perhaps I've entered a new phase in my fade. It is very much like a greiving process. I'd lable this stage "Anger." I know better than to call my parents and come out to them while I'm in this stage. It will get ugly. While I was in earlier stages, I was afraid of hurting them, letting them down and horrified about what they'd say and think about me. I feared the guilt trips (which they will hurl, esp my mother). Now, I'm cautiously aware of this anger that has built up just under the surface. I'm afraid that I'll blow up at them after they get their jabs in. Rather than feeling bad, I'll get angry and lash out. I'm soooo utterly bitter and full of hate and revenge and spite and disgust at those loathsome old bastards on the GB. And there are horrible, horrible asshole elders who have given me and even my faithful loyal parents PURE HELL all along. I'm not cool about a lot of the elder bashing on here because my dad is one and I always felt bad about how much time and enrgy he put in to his "job." He was exhausted, overworked and still faced harsh criticism by those high-ranking, controlling jackasses with money. Many elders are victims themselves--with far more to lose (spouse and offspring). GOD, it's this hard for me and I'm a single bachelor with no kids! This should be a cakewalk!

Brainstorm: I thought about just "getting caught" some how. I'm not a bad person at all. But maybe if I just got caught doing something judicially wrong so I could get DFed for something other than apostacy. If that happened, I believe my parents would still stay in touch with me. But if I DA or get busted for apostacy--that's it! DONE. So, have any members on here thought about that as an exit strategy? Hell, I'll even LIE and make something up: "Hey, I banged a worldly waitress like 10 times this summer and decided you should know." (I'm also attracted to dudes, so that scandal would actually be a relief to my parents who certainly "wonder about" me since I've never married and it could even put an end to a lot of the hateful gossip in dubland). Get DFed publicly. BAM--the band-aid is off. Done and over. I'm inside Disney World. People won't badger me about coming back in because they're not allowed to talk to me and my fam will still be in touch about necessary business. No more of those "didja like the WT article this morning" phone calls on Sunday afternoon. No more "though of you when I read this Awake! article (Cut Paste)" emails on the nights they know I'm supposed to be at meeting (which I haven't been in 2 years and never want to go back again--ever). UGHHGHGHG this is so draining!!! See, GB WBTS??? DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU DO TO PEOPLE??? I can't even think and enjoy this gorgeous evening you miserable fucks!!! I WANT YOU ALL TO DIE OF CANCER, SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY. I WANT there to be a hell just for you bastards fucking up the one shot at life for so many millions of people. But there is no hell. We only have the time left here in our fleshly bodies on planet earth so I need to get your viral infection purged from my life--your cancerous growth must be removed down to the root before I can move on.

Does it get better? Really? Will I ever experience happiness again? Will there ever be a time that I can take that gaping void left behind and fill it with wonderful life experiences? Will the nauseating sensation that washes over me when I see a person at Walmart or hear a name or phrase from Dubland ever go away?

33

Did any of you need counselling or psychotherapy as a JW?

by TimothyT in

i have just started my new course to be a qualified counsellor.

naturaly i am studying this because of my own background and now i want to help others who have had similar strains on their lives.. i know the pressure that the jw organisation puts on its members, so i was wondering, if you dont mind saying so of course, did any of you attend counselling sessions due to the pressures and problems that the jw life brought along?.

i can imagine that the majority of my old congregation (myself, my dad and my brother included) would need some form of counselling or medication in order to remain sane.

DarioKehl

yup! Cognitive therapy. Worked wonders--no prescrips here!

7

Out Here on My Own

by mamamo in

jw
friends

tonight glee had a sing off using the song out here on my own.

"sometimes i wonder ... who i am, do i fit in.

out here on my own.. always proving who we are.".

DarioKehl

"fix you" by coldplay always makes me cry. and i'm a dude.

105

I've lurked a long time: JW's produce some of the most paranoid humans

by Unlearn in

jw
friends

i'll keep this brief for now.. long time lurker (4 years or so).. born-in, elder, used on district level (last talk i gave before i left was the baptisimal talk), and lots of hard time put in...before i finally made the move to split.

it's a long stoy, much like many of yours...but with it's own little interesting twists.

more details in the future, perhaps.. as i said, ive lurked here for a while.. its funny: for a long time i'd only come on late at night.

DarioKehl

welcome unlearn! I took the same leap and joined about a year ago. It's a tough step. Keep shedding layers. You'll find support on here.

11

Life is so short...how do I get my famiy out? If not, how can I stop worrying about them?

by sprintcmp in

jw
friends

i was born in, baptized at 12 or 13. auxiliary pioneered one of those aprils when there was the big promo.

i took the act's in high school because every body else was doing it and glory be...i was granted a scholarship and my parents allowed me to go to college.

around the same time, two things happened: 1) an instructor said during a lecture: "question everything, even the things your parents taught you.

DarioKehl

ok WHY DOES THE EFFING HIGHLIGHT TOOL NEVER WORK FOR ME??? OR PHOTO POSTING? JEEZ! I've used Chrome and Safari--NO LUCK.

Everyone ELSE gets it! I'm gonna go sit in the back of the auditorium and POUT.

11

Life is so short...how do I get my famiy out? If not, how can I stop worrying about them?

by sprintcmp in

jw
friends

i was born in, baptized at 12 or 13. auxiliary pioneered one of those aprils when there was the big promo.

i took the act's in high school because every body else was doing it and glory be...i was granted a scholarship and my parents allowed me to go to college.

around the same time, two things happened: 1) an instructor said during a lecture: "question everything, even the things your parents taught you.

DarioKehl

Ten years go by and the fade begins...by the way I had moved away from my small home town for employment, and spent every Sunday avoiding phone calls from my mother because she aways asked if I went to the meeting that day. Made an effort to pretend I was active when I went home for visits, even made up fictitious names when childhood friends and family asked "Who are some of the brothers in your congregation?" (What a punk I was!)

I also moved away before beginning my fade (and also voted for the first time last fall and can't wait for th 2012 election!). And every Sunday or meeting night, I still get the phone calls. It kills me to hit "ignore" and check the voicemail later. It kills me to dread calls from old friends or relatives when I used to look forward to them. They know something is up, but I think they're just as afraid to open that door as I am. They don't lecture me (although, my mother is notorious for sending me reactionary emails after a friend of a friend mentioned something I said online or something). But, they'll try to wiggle in questions like "How was meeting today?" or "Did you like that point in the WT study?" and even if I say yes, my mother will still "go over it" with me like she's rehearsed a demonstration for a service meeting part! Little does she know, I study thw WT more throughly than I ever did while I was still active--because I critically analyze it now! In fact, I've busted her several times because I'll know of a WT article that's been out for some time that she hasn't read yet. They also call and I get the sense they're just trying to feel me out--not really calling for any reason, but, just to investigate. Looking for clues in my voice or maybe I'll slip up and contradict myself or something. That's why I screen the calls and return them on my time, on my terms and I control the conversation. The more I talk, the more I may slip up and out myself.

Anyway---back to topic... It kills me physically, emotionally and mentally to have to LIE and HIDE who I am and what I'm doing out of FEAR. It's not so much guilt anymore--guilt died when I learned TTATT. But I'm still a moral person and there is a bit of guilt that bothers me when I lie. While living my "worldly" faded life, I only regret the necessity of lying and decieving my parents and family about my current state. I'd love to be open and honest to them, but we all know what will happen then, don't we?

Additionally, this constant fear of being "caught," the constant physical demand of looking over my shoulders and covering my tracks is KILLING. ME. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't plan, I can't enjoy, I can't learn--everything came to a halt because I'm at the the end of the plank with 2 choices: do I jump (back in to the bOrg) and drown or do I let the pirates (WBTS and their shunning policy) spear me in the back? A choice has to be made--and I know which one it is "right" for me. As Steve Jobs said, "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living SOMEONE ELSE'S LIFE."

What did you end up doing, sprintcmp? Did you DA, get DFed or are you still faded? Does your remaining husk of a mom and foggy sister know you're faded or do they assume you're still active?

7

Martha My Dear...

by MoneurMallard in

jw
friends

i wonder what it was like to be around when noah's ark landed.

to be there when shem said to his son, "go pork your sister" (in order to repopulate the species)..... i'm paraphrasing of course, i'm not really sure if shem's son's sister was named martha or not.. the degree of incest alone is enough to turn away any logical rational person from the bible.

of course it had to have begun long before noah's time, even when adam and eve were conceiving, there must have been lots of sexual perversions taking place.... this is of course all lunacy, as the human race began with several distinct chromosomes and species emanating from several different gene pools at different intervals.

DarioKehl

You need AT LEAST 47 different couples for a species to have enough genetic diversity to continue. Below that number, no species has ever avoided extinction. How anyone can follow an organization that stubbornly insists the flood account is a literal account that happened exactly as described in the scriptures--globally--is beyond me. That proved to me the GB/WBTS is a horrible, horrible control group and I began my silent path down Apostacy Blvd.

35

JWs Summed Up in One Sentence! Contribute Please!

by DarioKehl in

jw
friends

"we can't smoke pot with him... he's disfellowshipped!".

please keep 'em coming!

i wanna see more.

DarioKehl

"I'm cool with sex, drugs and parties but I don't f*ck with demonized sh*t!"

10

Question, Mormon temples.

by jam in

the mormon temples will build five temples in cities.

worlwide.

the church, with it,s 14.1 million members.

DarioKehl

RE: Irreligiosophy podcast...

I am astonished at how similar LDS and JWs are. Especially since we adopted "Family Bible Study" nights and LDS has always had "Family Home Evening." They use terms like "wordly," "heavy petting," "disfellowshipping" and "one true religion."