Flower,
The changes that leaving the Society that you acquire are up to you. You bring back a lot of what I used to feel like and the other posters have given you some fine words of encouragement. I am 53 years old. My whole life was very similar to yours before and how you feel now. Many of us used to be in your shoes. I always felt that I was never good enough. I felt that I was worthless and life could go on just fine without me and maybe even better without me. Over the years the indoctrination of the Society since I was 8 years old was working fine on me. I pioneered, I answered at all the meetings, had Bible studies, studied for all meetings, taught my children all that I was supposed to and all the rest. But it was never enough. The society and the Elders were never happy. You should do more, study more, pray more etc. I was depressed and my life was a mess. I thought of ending my life often. Over time I still had doubts but according to the Society, those doubts were my fault. How convenient for them; blame the flock and not the leaders. I figured that I would never get into the new system no matter what I did. I sinned so many times. I was “forgiven” and moved on and kept trying harder
But the doubts were piling up higher and higher. Depression was deeper. This went on with me for some 40+ years. Then my Mother died. But before she died, a faithful women of many, many years, was virtually deserted in her greatest hour of need. She was dying from cancer. Although a loyal old lady, she was highly neglected by the congregation. Why? Because the remodeling of the Kingdom Hall coincided with her dying. The elders didn’t have the time to hold her hand and encourage her through her last days on earth. The hours remodeling God's house of worship were much more important. A few came often but they were the pioneers counting easy, warm hours. I had to actually beg the brother whom she wanted for her memorial talk to give it. Those few months of neglecting her were the final straw for me. The pile was already huge but that affront was not to myself but to my Mom a very loyal sister.
I “drifted” for a while, and then we moved (not because of the “Truth”) to a neighboring congregations territory and I have not gone back, with the exception of a couple memorials and meetings at the new Hall.
I started on-line and came across H2O and my life changed dramatically over time the next few years with the loving support of many then on H2O, many who are now here on JWD. After that board became unbearable and everyone left there to come here, I followed and I have been here since. I found out the truth about the “Truth.” But then I figured that there must be another “truth” and I started researching. I found in my own thinking (which is all we have really), so far, that there is no one religion out there worth giving my life over to.
I have progressed away from the Organization now for almost 7 years and life has slowly improved. Am I “happy?” Yes. Much more happy than any other time in my life. As happy as I could be? I hope not. Because now I believe that you can get more and more out of life and be happier and happier. There is always something new to add to that happiness down the road. I did get control of my life and slowly things looked better and finally started to make sense. Do I still have questions? Yes. Will they ever be answered? I don’t know.
I do know that my fears that the Society instilled in me from childhood are almost gone and I don’t think of dying at Armageddon and when there is a fierce thunderstorm in the summer, I don’t think the world is ending. When 9/11 happened, I had no fear that “this was it” like most JWs were fearing.
Our family now celebrates the holidays and birthdays and we are fairly normal now, except for our own personal quirks, which we all have to deal with individually.
You at this time are just coming away. Give it time, lots of it and be patient with yourself. You need to realize that you were indoctrinated and now you have to deprogram yourself. This is a good place to be for that. Everyone will help you and encourage you to move on.
I have now completed my first full year of college with straight A’s this semester and 2 semesters on the Dean’s list. I would never have seen myself here a number of years ago. But here I am. You can do it to. What ever you really want. Set a goal or two and work towards them. It took me three years of signing up for college, then canceling but I did manage it. I could have been done this year. But that is okay. It took what it took. College is one of the best things that could have happened to me. I always wanted to go and couldn't understand why the Society banned it when I was growing up. Now it is somewhat okay, but still carries a stigma for many, in many congregations. I have gained so much self-esteem from going to college and the courses they teach today show a person how to critically think, something a JW is never taught, and with good cause. The Society doesn’t want you to think. Now that you are thinking, and you are believe it or not, you are having difficulty and confusion but that will pass with time if you go on, I promise.
I wish you the best. Move on. Go forward. You really and truly can do it.
Lindy (Auntie Antique)
