This is amazing! I find it fascinating that at 14 years old you could reason the way you did. At that age, I got baptized, believing everything that the brothers told me, but even at that age, somewhere deep down within me I could tell that there was something wrong with it all. But those doubts didn't rise above me until a couple years ago, at 18. Thanks for sharing this.
OneDayillBeFree
JoinedPosts by OneDayillBeFree
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An essay i wrote when i was about 14---before the religion
by MsGrowingGirl20 inreligion: good or bad?
"i can't do that" or "no, i don't eat that!
" are just two of a host of phrases heard everyday by people of different races, languages and religions all around the globe.
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Dear Recovery...
by OneDayillBeFree init is 3am here and i just finished reading your last post and even though i have to be up at 6am tomorrow morning (technically later), i felt obligated to login to jwn and write to you.
i thought about saying many things.
hurtful things.
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OneDayillBeFree
It is 3am here and I just finished reading your last post and even though I have to be up at 6am tomorrow morning (technically later), I felt obligated to login to JWN and write to you. I thought about saying many things. Hurtful things. Things that would get me nowhere at all. At first I thought it would be best to just PM this to you so it could be more private, but I feel that for the benefit of everyone else, whether a member of this infamous forum or not, it would be best to make it public.
Now first of all, I am very sleepy, but I want to make it clear that I am in no way writing to you in an angry or inraged manner. I just want you to see things the way I see them for a while (and maybe the way others including lurkers which you seem to be targeting see you). You can take this or leave it however you choose, it is your life, and you clearly have control of yourself.
Secondly, I will not be discussing scripture, doctrine, publications or anything that might seem offensive to anyone including yourself and I as it is not my department and I feel I would be simply wasting my sleeping time and everyone elses who happens to view this post.
So let me start off by saying that as you might know from my low post count that I am not a regular poster like you. I wish I had the time to do so but I simply do not. I consider myself more of a lurker as I find myself on this forum almost everyday. It has become an old habit of mine, to the point to where I keep a dedicated JWN page always open on my smartphone for easy access. Up until 2 years ago, I still believed it all. Everything. I wont bore you with my story since it is available on my first post but I want to let you know that I am still an active JW.
Now, I've seen several others similar to you during my short time here on JWN. Some posters might remember ALICE and Bane. They came here against every bone in there body telling them it was wrong and found a way to justify their reasons for posting on what has been called an apostate website. In reality many posters here have felt that upon creating an account. Many have been mortified when submitting their very first post. I surely did and maybe you have experienced this as well. Now although I am unaware of the first poster mentioned earlier, I do know that the latter is now a poster by the name of Botwanza and you may research that at your own convenience. I am telling you this to let you know that you are not the only one. I know you may be very much aware of that fact but it never hurts to be reminded.
I also wanted to point out the importance of a name.
Recovery. Now we all know the meaning of the word so I will not define it. I will not copy and paste the definition. But do you want to know what my first thought was when I read your name?
I thought, "I wonder what he's/she's recovering from!"
Haha, please forgive me I do apologize, ther is a bit of humor yes but it's true.
Now, let me get to the point of why I am writing this letter to you fellow JWN poster.
You have presented many things that are in stark contrast with what has become the norm on this "apostate" forum since maybe 9 or 10 years ago. Now, I understand that when presenting ones arguments at first, one can be filled with anger or rage, with sarcasm and hatred for a people who seem to be so wrong according to ones own belief. And I understand that one might justify coming to "the dark side" only to help those who are beginning to doubt their beliefs or are becoming weak in the faith, maybe even just curious as to what the other side has to offer by "lurking in the shadows." In time though, once we have cooled off a bit and have composed ourselves, we return with maybe the same point of view, but in a more calm manner, presenting our opinions and beliefs in a way that is not only honest but neutral.
But Recovery my friend, after almost all the posts that you have done, you still write with that same anger and sarcasm that was present in your first thread. Maybe you want so desperately for the lurkers to repent and "recover" from their sinful thinking, and return to the Organization you love so much, but please listen to me when I tell you this, that that is not the way to do it. Certainly not the Christian, loving way to do it. When we go out and in the ministry, this is clearly not the way we preach to people. Even if the person at the door were an apostate, you would still not argue with them or reason with them the way you have with most posters on this internet forum. At least I certainly hope not. That is not the direction of the FS. Now, you cannot see my face nor can I see yours. We are hidden behind this eloquent and decieving, digital wall. But yet we can all still percieve and use reason to reach a logical conclusion to what is written.
Now, in all honesty Recovery, how do you think that your posting here would be of any postive benefit to those lurking on this site? Do you honestly belief that those lurkers will go and say "I've been so wrong, I must return to the Kingdom Hall and ask Jehovah for forgiveness and confess to the elders that I was to the point of looking at apostate websites but because of a faithful Jehovahs witness who posts regularly on that website I came to see that I was wrong?"
Do you belief in your mind, heart and soul that the way you have been posting and responding to the other long time posters on this forum will change the minds of all if any JW's who take a look here?
It is unreasonable and highly unlikely. Take for instance Bane. Look at all his posts. Look at how similiar both of you were. And where is he now? Did he go back to the Organization? His existance here as Botwanza is proof of the opposite.
Honestly, and again I say this in the most sincere, and peaceful way possible Recovery, your posts have only strengthened my belief that the Organization, The Watchtower Bible and Tract Society of New York is NOT the truth. Yes there are many great honest people in this religion who only want to please God and do what they believe in their hearts is right (take a look at all the recent Judicial meetings of our poster RayPublisher as proof of that). But If I was still a believing Jehovah's Witness and someone forced me to take a look at what you have written in these posts, I would be embarassed! I swear that too you.
Imagine a brother or a sister knocking on a door of a poster here who has printed all of your major arguments and all of the hurtful and sarcastic comments you have made and shown them to our brothers.
Do you think that they would believe that it came from one of their brothers/sisters? Never in a million years.
So In conclusion Recovery, I do not know what it is exactly what you are trying to recover from, or what it is that has brought you here on this apostate website, but know that your posting on here is an embarrasment to your organization, to your religion, and to your god.
In the end, I hope the best for you. I really do. Maybe we've met before. You could be in my congregation. We might have gone on service together. It makes me sick. It makes me sad. I hope that this letter will let you see the way I see you, maybe the way many here see you, and I hope that you can take a moment and just meditate on it all. I want to let you know that I am not here to start a debate of any kind. And to prove it, I will not respond nor reply to this post. I just felt like I needed to say what needed to be said.
All the best,
OneDayillBeFreeP.S. I'm sorry for the typos but it is extremely late, 4:15am to be exact, and my fingers are tired. Peace and goodbye!
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Full time ministry Joy--or Lack Thereof
by WTWizard ini can remember all the while i was in the cancer that they would trump up the value of pious-sneering.
one of those was the "joy" of serving jehovah full time.
they would always have these fantastic stories about how they had obstacles that they foolhardily disregarded, or that they got all these people into the cancer.. this is full of rubbish.
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OneDayillBeFree
Man the new guy sure is creepy! Like not just to the ones out of the Borg but to the JWs still in! Like what the hades man?? if I was only a study or a guy/girl who saw two witnesses pass by my neighborhood and found this place trying to do some research on Jehovah's witness's I'd immediately be freaked out and never even open the door to them! And if I was a brother/sister who was in the wake up state I'd be like well that settles it, this religion is crazy! I mean seriously buddy Reeco, who's side are you even on man/miss?
But anyway, while I was doing the full time ministry I can truthfully say that it was some of the worst time of my life! Never felt joy at all! Now as just another brother in the hall I feel so much better!
But seriously Reeco, take it easy buddy!
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How Did God Communicate His 1914 Decision?
by Cold Steel inis the organization a self-appointed group of people and is it any better or worse than the rest of christendom?
and why does it avoid the use of the term church?.
one fascinating thing is that the wbts has repeatedly published the claim that in 1914, jesus returned invisibly and inspected all the religions then on the earth.
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OneDayillBeFree
Okay... So ummm like how did Jehovah communicate his 1914 decision again? This time in plain English and to the point people, (especially you Recovery). This has always bothered me personally because if there's no CONCRETE PROOF that ANYONE could EASILY look at and come to the SAME CONCLUSION Without all that mumble jumble, that it was in fact GOD directing earthly men then it would be discarded as false and correctly forgotten.
I mean it would only be in harmony with scripture that EVERYONE on earth (JW/EX-JW/Mormon/Catholic/Atheist) would know that Jehovah had done something!
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Speak your mind...
by OneDayillBeFree inthat's something most (if not all jw's) rarely get to do.
and it's something i've started embracing for a while.
at the meeting i was talking to some of the younger crowd and they were expressing their sadness about the congregation splitting.
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OneDayillBeFree
That's something most (if not all JW's) rarely get to do.
And it's something I've started embracing for a while. At the meeting I was talking to some of the younger crowd and they were expressing their sadness about the congregation splitting. One of the girls said that it would be nice because then you could make more "friends". Another girl was quick to reply and said that she didn't want to make any new friends.
I agreed with the second sister. Others said that they didn't know how it would be.
I then stepped in and said, "yeah isnt it funny how easy it is to make friends at school or at work but how difficult it is to make friends in the hall?"
Then one of the girls said "yeah, umm... I know right? Thats something I've wanted to say before but just never had the guts to say..."
I smiled. "You shouldnt be afraid to say something or do what you feel is right. We have a brain... most of us anyway, and we should use it. We're not robots you know..."
The other sister looked at me and said, "but the faithful slave says that independent thinking isn't always good".
To which I replied, "I just like to follow Jesus' example. He spoke his mind. He didn't seem to care what the pharisees thought about him did he? He wasnt afraid."
Before she could make the connection I had just made between the "faithful slave" and the Pharisees, another sister came up and started complimenting her looks.
All the people in the group seemed to agree with me and then they just walked away to other things.
It's nice to be able to think and to show it. It seems to amaze the brothers since they cant do it. The elders don't seem to like the sheep using their noodle but once they it on, it's pretty damn hard to turn it off.
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Unexpected conversation with a long time JW friend (in good standing)
by OneDayillBeFree inso tonight after the meeting, this brother whome i've grown up with invited me to eat.
he had come almost an hour late to the meeting and looked kind of down and a bit depressed.
i agreed to go eat.. there was very little talking at first.
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OneDayillBeFree
So tonight after the meeting, this brother whome I've grown up with invited me to eat. He had come almost an hour late to the meeting and looked kind of down and a bit depressed. I agreed to go eat.
There was very little talking at first. He asked me how it felt not to be a regular pioneer anymore and I of course told him I felt like a giant weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. No more worrying about getting my time in. I could give god whatever it is I wanted to give him, from my heart, not because I had made a contract with him. We laughed a bit about that.
He just smiled and nodded.
Once we were done he excused himself to the restroom and I just sat there waiting. Once he returned he sat down again and said, "you know with the congregation's splitting soon and other things going on in the hall, I've been thinking a lot about so many things and honestly, I dont know what to do. Remember how we used to go out for entire days in service? Remember all the fun we used to have? Remember how we wanted become minsterial servants and then go to bethel?"
"I do." I said, not quite sure where he was going with all of this.
"Well, honestly ______, those days are dead and gone. I was going to go out on service today since it's my day off but decided to just stay home and do other things. It felt alright. I wasn't even going to go to the meeting today but I came for the second part of it anyway."
"I see." I said, "So what have you been thinking about so much then?"
"Well, I kind of don't know how to say it so I'll just say it. I just want to disappear for a while. I don't want to go to the meetings anymore. There's no point to them. I feel as if my life is being wasted. I've lost my zeal like they say but I have no desire in looking for it. There's nothing new in the meetings its always the same thing over and over again. And that whole 'Safeguard you mind' part was just pushing it a bit too far for me. I don't want to call them doubts but more like questions. Several things don't really make much sense. I dont know. I just need to get out for a while. And I think that my only chance is to move away once the congregation's split."
"Oh, I understand." I replied calmly. "But what do you mean exactly by dissappear?"
"I'm thinking of becoming inactive. That's what I mean. I don't know for how long, maybe 6 months, maybe a year. I just want to take a break from all of it!", he said firmly.
"Oh okay _____. Well, I don't know what made you think that way but you are not alone my friend. And don't worry. Take as long as you need. You need to be out there. You need to live a little. See what's on the other side. And remember, whatever it is you decide to do, I'll still be here as a friend in case you need one." I responded in a very calm manner.
"What? Really?" he said in amazement.
"Yup" I responded.
He smiled and then said "thanks _____, it's good to have real friends like you.
"No problem ____" I said, "and who knows, I said, maybe I'll joing you someday..."
We then joked a bit about other things, then we finally got out and ready to go home.
"Oh and one more thing before I forget..." I said as we were leaving.
"What?" he asked.
"When you're out there and you're looking in, before you decide to become active again, question everything first!" I said as I got in the car.
He paused for a bit, then nodded and said "alright. I will."
Then we parted.
It was such an unexpected conversation that I just had to share it with you guys! Looks like even the most "spiritual" of brothers and sisters are now questioning more and more, having increasing doubts about many things. And it makes me happy. As I continue on my own path to freedom, It's nice to see others slowly start to wake up.
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"In other news, Brother _______________ is no longer a...
by OneDayillBeFree inregular pioneer!.
officially announced!
i'm very happy!
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OneDayillBeFree
Regular Pioneer!
Officially announced! I'm very happy! Can't be on here too long now but I just wanted to update you guys on my last thread.
During the meeting I commented 4 times and read the watchtower. Since this watchtower study was about the ten toes and daniels statue which have been extremely discussed here, it was so easy for me and I almost laughed at how barely anyone would raise their hands to comment on the matter. This made some what of a positive impact on the watchtower conductor as well as the other brothers which gave me the upper hand in for my meeting with them after.
The meeting with the elders on Sunday was very brief. First, I told them that in the coming months, I would be taking some classes to learn a trade (going to college but making it sound acceptable to the elders) and that it would become even more difficult to go out in the ministry to complete my time. Then I also added that I was going to start working longer hours at work because they need me more and also because to my surprise my father's business is not doing so great at the moment and I have to help the family out financially and since I've been a RP for over a year now and have attended the Pioneer school that I had thought and prayed about it and had decided to step down from my position.
They all just sat there and listened, two of them whisperd to each other while one told me that it would be appropiate only if I returned to the full time ministry after all these things were done. I agreed and they said okay, not knowing that I will never come back since the congregation is splitting in a couple of months and there will be new elders in charge by then. Another elder stopped and said, "you know we will have to announce your name in front of THE WHOLE CONGREGATION do you not?", as if to try and change my mind. I simply smiled and said "yes, I am aware of the way these things are done and I am okay with that. Thank you for telling me though."
One the way out one trying to simpathize with me said, "well, I have been informed about the current state of your fathers business and I know it can be hard on both you and your family. We will pray for you." They all nodded in agreement and then left.
And that was that.
More simple than I thought.
I wonder how easier it will get when the congregation's split...
Anyway I couldnt have done it without you guys!
That should show some of the watchtower apologists on here and/or lurkers that this site does indeed help and care about one another and that we aren't evil, mentally diseased!
OneDayillBeFree
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Knowing the Real Truth about the "truth" when you're stuck inside...
by OneDayillBeFree in...sucks.
(warning: this could get lengthy but i have to vent and i could really use some advice).
i know ttatt and have known about it for almost 2 years, yet i'm still stuck inside.
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OneDayillBeFree
Hey guys, thanks so much for all the advice and support! It really means a lot to me. And your comments have actually motivated me!
My suicidal thoughts have gone away now and I am extremely thankful for that.
Now, I am working now on short term goals that I can actually do the next day or over a couple of days so that I and others can see that there is a change going on. Like someone posted above, its time to act.
Some of you who have read my past posts asked about my mother who unlike my dad had told me that I should go to college. Well that was some time ago and as soon as I had all the paper work in order and ready to go, my father found out and forced me not to go. Said it was not only a waste of money but also a waste of time since we are living as he says in "the last days of the last days". He said that he had noticed for some time that I had lost my zeal in the ministry and that going to college would be like rejecting Jehovah's org (his reaction was based part on how another older brother in well standing had gone to college and then suddenly went inactive and dissappeard, so the CO had many talks on the dangers of higher edu). It really angered me but I just took. And after that my dad spoke to my mom about it in private and sadly, she returned to her JW state of mind and agreed with everything my dad had said.
I even asked her about it some time after because I wondered if she had any hope, but she said she couldnt talk to me about it anymore, and that I should focus more on studying for the meetings, praying more, preaching more, and participating more.
The thing is, even though I havent really seen the military or the navy as an option, I really do want to go to college. I have been slacking off "spiritually" for some time now, to the point where the CO couldnt find any reason at all for why I should become a MS (to put it in perspective, we have 8 elders, and only 2 MS so they are desperately looking for more MS). He said I wasnt making my time anymore and the elders have noticed that I rarely comment anymore. I leave almost as soon as the meeting is done and avoid any contact with the elders and that I only go out on saturday mornings for field service just to show my face but thats about it.
Another thing I wanted to say is that at this sunday's meeting, I will be talking to the elders to tell them that "due to personal issues" I can no longer serve as a Regular Pioneer. The issues being me not having enough time from work and also the fact that I will go to college whether they want me to or not. (I will be using this October's Awake! Mag to show them that there is nothing wrong with seeking higher education from the GB mouth themselves).
I also found out that our congregation will be splitting in a couple of months and I will be moving to different congregation entirely. Already got approval from my mother and thats all the approval I need.
But still, wish me luck.
I had another argument with my dad today about pioneering. He wanted to know why my hours had dropped so much. I believe there was one month that I didnt even turn in my time slip and was marked for that. I told him that I was just tired of having to preach "only to get the hours in" and that I felt like it was more like a business than a life saving work when done this way. I said that before becoming a RP I would do around 10-20 hrs a month but I felt completely happy and that it came out of my heart. My mother was also present and she simpathized with me saying that it was true, (she's also a regular pioneer) but I just couldnt seem to reason with my dad.
So then he said that I was just looking for an excuse to be lazy and not do anything and that I was slipping into satan's world and that I was not following the guidance of the faithful and discreet slave. So finally, I used my last resort. My secret weapon. The bible itself.
I said "Dad, I don't remember Jesus ever sending his 12 disciples out door to door so that they could get their time in before the month ended! Nor do I remember ever reading the passage about Jesus turning in his time slip at all. If I have missed that part of the scripture then please show me now and then I'll gladly continue in the pioneering work."
It left his speechless.
I walked away trying to hide a slight grin.
So that felt good.
But anyways I think that many brothers at the hall have a mixed feeling about me. They don't know whether I'm a good example anymore or if I'm still that star brother who is just depressed.
Others were wondering about my job where I had gone to christmas party. Well, I lost that job due to the convention last year, and since then I found another job that pays way less but more hours. It's actually quite nice as it's a great excuse for missing service for now and meetings later.
Some of you who also asked about my best friend who I had liked but had been brainwashed by her trip to bethel leading to her baptism. Well, she's still around and she deeply regrets having gotten baptized. She says she's sorry for not listening to me. But she's got her own family troubles of her own and even though we're still friends, we both have jobs now and barely see each other. She still tells me that she'll still talk to me and hang out with me if I ever get DF'd or DA'd and this time I said the same to her. But that's about as far as that relationship has gone. For now.
I was talking to an older brother today who lives alone and is looking for a roomate, and we got to talking. We discussed rent, bills and things like that. He's really laid back and even though I wouldnt be on my own, it's a move in the right direction I believe.
The last thing I did today was schedule a meeting with a guidance counselor for college. I'll be attending a communtiy college (finally) at first but my plan is to move on to a university when possible.
Again, thank you for your imput and for being here. With careful planning I now know that I can get out. You guys really turned up my spirits and gave me lots of positive energy. I've been happy all day. I will make a post on sunday to let you all know how that meeting with the elders goes.
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Knowing the Real Truth about the "truth" when you're stuck inside...
by OneDayillBeFree in...sucks.
(warning: this could get lengthy but i have to vent and i could really use some advice).
i know ttatt and have known about it for almost 2 years, yet i'm still stuck inside.
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OneDayillBeFree
...sucks. (Warning: this could get lengthy but I have to vent and I could really use some advice)
I know TTATT and have known about it for almost 2 years, yet I'm still stuck inside. The thing is, I don't regret learning the real truth about this twisted religion, but I do regret the time in which I discovered it. Because, unlike many of you here who upon knowing TTATT that just got up and left, I'm stuck inside without much of a choice because I still live with my parents and I have absolutely NO ONE on the outside that I could go to if I ever left. Not only that but I don't even have my own vehicle, although one has been provided for me, but it is not something I can call my own, because it would be immediately taken if I decided to leave rendering me basically homeless. I'm not on my own yet and even though for the last year & 1/2 I've been saving and working hard to get independant, it just hasnt been enough.
I got into a very bad argument with my parents last night after the meeting in which I almost spilled the beans as I said how sad and outright stupid the brothers at the hall AND the religion were for the non stop changes to their rules. They immediately began asking me if I doubted that this was god's chosen org and if I no longer believed it was the truth. I instantly realized what I had said and changed it so that it wouldnt sound offensive and everything went back to the way it was. But, after they had fallen asleep, I went outside during the night and just started crying. I hate to admit it but I considered just ending my life. At first I reasoned that my life had no point, no meaning.
Living this way isnt living at all. I'm lying to myslef and to others, it's a horrible way to live. The organization makes me feel as if I'm the devil, or really mentally diseased. They make me feel like shit. But the truth is the complete opposite. I don't live what the org calls a double life. I mean I would love to but I simply can't because I don't even have any outside (real) friends to do anything with, nor do I have any JW friends for that matter. I dont do drugs, drink, smoke, or party. I am not a bad person, so why is there so much damn pain and sadness? I feel like just an empty, worthless waste of life.
I figured there has to be an end to this, and there will be but I don't know when or how. That night made me consider my options. The first one is I stay stuck inside, keep faking and lying, pretending and smiling through my teeth at everyone while I die slowly inside. At the same time work my ass off, buy my own car, get my own place and move out on my own, and do the gradual fade I've talked about in the past.
Or my second choice, just write my DA letter now, get my things ready and walk out the door. Completely free, instantly. But also homeless, carless, phoneless and practically jobless since I wouldnt be able to get to work without some form of transportation so also broke. I know for a fact that this is how it would go because my parents would in no way try to help me out at all, they barely do now. And my father is an elder who's in love with his position of power, authority and with the religion, so much that he would kick me out just to keep it.
If I choose the first option in this case the more rational one, I do get to have a place to live and sleep, keep my job and stuff like that but I would have to endure all the JW customs and live by their beliefs and suffer other horrible things and some thoughts of suicide for who knows how long.
If I choose the second, then it would be like a clean slate. I'd be free, there would be no more meetings and service or assemblies, something I only daydream about at said events. I'd be basically a new person with a new life but the first months or years would be extremely difficult as I'd be completely on my own. I'd have to go to some shelter in the city and live in a completely different environment.
Now, I've been living the first option for almost 2 years now and it's been nothing but hell and sadly gotten me almost nowhere.
I'm seriously considering the 2nd option now. I believe it would be worth it. But frankly, I'm afraid. I am scared. I've never done anything like this before and I'm unsure of how my life could end up.
I must seem like such a hypocrite, and I must admit I know I am to some extent. Some of you here might think that I'm stupid for staying in or maybe cant see the point or the reason in me still living this life for so long. And I know.
But I'm only asking for help or advice. And I'm serious about it. If it werent for me talking myself out of it, this would've been my last post saying my last goodbye's.
I can't believe it has gotten this bad. I'm just in such a bad place in my life right now. I can't see the positive side of anything.
I know by now you must think I'll never do anything since its been so long but if you have any advice or help or anything to say at all, please say it.
If you made it this far, thank you. You are awesome!
OneDayillBeFree
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Governing body member engaged... Again!
by OneDayillBeFree injust found out that the australian governong body member known as geoffrey jackson got engaged to a sister about two weeks ago.
it really shocked me at first but then i remembered how other members of the gb have remarried in the past like daniel sidlik.
what made me say "woah" was hearing that the holy bride to be is really young!
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OneDayillBeFree
Just found out that the Australian Governong body member known as Geoffrey Jackson got engaged to a sister about two weeks ago. It really shocked me at first but then I remembered how other members of the GB have remarried in the past like Daniel Sidlik.
What made me say "woah" was hearing that the holy bride to be is really young! Like in her late 20's early 30's! I don't remember how old Jackson is but he's kind of old.
Wonder when the wedding will be and where.