It seems to me that you are trying to make sense of something which is such an entanglement of contradictions and irregularities that lack any kind of reason that you could spend your whole life searching only to find at the end of it all that it is nothing more than a blind alley which, ultimately, leads to disillusionment.
That is your choice to make.
I may not agree with it but I respect that it is your choice to make.
I wish you joy...