Dear Magdalenefan,
Sounds like you are going through some stressful times. It's understandable you would want to reach out to a deity for some hope of salvation. However, I suggest going to the root of the problem, and quietly sitting and watching the mind. See how the mind creates a confusing grand-drama out of patchwork remnants of past-down beliefs and current emotional pain.
When we uncover the dynamics of the mind and the agony that can result from blindly allowing the mind to dictate our "reality", we then have the freedom of choice to not go there. But we have to clearly see what's going on, first.
There is a very peaceful witness to the minds activity; and it can be recognized as our foundational reality and identity. Then, life seems to not be so harsh around the edges. We have found a divinity far more real than any deity we seek outside the reality of here and now.
Good luck.
j