Ok, here's a few. You might have heard some of em.
A little boy asked his mother one morning, "mommy, are humans like robots that can be taken apart and put back together?"
His mother replied, "no, why would you ask that?"
The little boy said, "well, I just heard daddy talking to one of his friends on the phone and he said that he screwed his secretaries ass off last night."
An old man goes to the doctor.
"Help, Doc. I just got married to this 21 year old woman. She is hot and all she wants to do is have sex all day long."
"So what's the problem?"
"I can't remember where I live."
A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown.
Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between theory and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. In theory, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."
A state trooper pulls a car over for speeding. In the car is an old lady who is hard of hearing and her husband is with her.
When the trooper asks the lady for her driver's license the lady responds, "eh, what did he say?? "
The old man speaks up as he says, "HE NEEDS YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE."
A few minutes later the trooper comes back to the car and says, "Ma'am I see you're from Florida?"
The old lady comments, "eh, what did he say??"
The old man speaks up as he says, "HE SEES YOU'RE FROM FLORIDA."
The old lady nods her head, "Yup."
The trooper mutters, "Boy, one time, I got the worst piece of ass I ever had in Florida."
The old lady replies, "eh, what did he say??"
The old man yells, "HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!"
