Dear Winnie
I feel for you. Yes to have doubts and then certainties can be very troubling and it can come with a lot of tears and pressure. But I tell you it is good that you didn't bury your doubts. From your words I think you are a young person. Maybe it is a good idea to go to university in another country. Don't worry You will be able to find some great friends. Just be determined to show unconditional love to everyone. You can do something good with your life. The best times of your life us ahead of you.
However I think it is important that you have someone to share your feelings and doubts. Why not telling your dad everything that troubles you? Or maybe even your mum (you will know how much you can tell your mum). But do not open your heart to the elders. I did that and it was no help. Everything they care for is that you come back to "mother organisation."
I wish you all the best and be assured that I think of you.
Love Daniel