guys i really need your help

by Cordelia 99 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  AuldSoul

  (((Cordelia))) I would advise against destroying their faith, but at least get them started on the road to a different life. It sounds like they will still associate with you, just avoid religious subjects. They will bring them up, just respectfully ask not to talk about it. Ultimately, you can choose to betray yourself or be true to yourself.

  Being true to yourself is going to automatically cause a lot of painful soul-searching by your parents, and they may diiscover that their "life" is not what they thought it was after all. Betraying yourself will bring everything back to a stifled normalcy, and your personality will be subsumed under the pressing burden of Organizational law and customary expectation all over again.

  I'll be praying for you.

  AuldSoul
• 

  wanderlustguy

  will i be happier like that?? i know it will set me back if i ever did want to get reinstated but should i be honest even tho it will hurt my dad??

  Self respect is the best kind. It does tear up your heart to hurt people you feel don't "deserve" it, but if you have to live a lie to save their feelings? Maybe you can ask yourself this, not that I know your dad, but when he was younger, stonger willed, and didn't have so much invested, what if he had found out the "truth" was a lie?

  I think about my family that is left behind, I think about my dad and how I idealize he would have been, strong and full of energy, not beaten and weak as he is now. You have the chance now to be the one that stands up straight and can look anyone in the eye because you're honest about what you believe and rely on no one else's interpretation of your life as you have the burden first of living with your own decisions. You can walk forward and know yourself...and like what you know. Or you can live what you know is a lie, and watch the fire in yor heart fade as they strip away your self confidence and ability to discern fact from fiction.

  WLG
• 

  cab1000

  Ok, so I am a current "fader" so take any of my "advice" with a grain of salt.

  Lets look at it from another viewpoint. Lets say that you and your family have never heard of Jehovah's Witnesses. Would there still be this drama? Would the divorce and boyfriend thing be dividing your family anyway? Is it possible that Dad strongly dislikes this new boyfriend, and secretly hopes that by using religion that you will reunite with your husband? Is the boyfriend (homewrecker?) bad news, and everyone knows it but you?

  Just an outside opinion.....I completely understand your prediciment....I wish you luck with your decision...

  ~cab
• 

  144001

  i love him so much but i honestly feel like im gonna have a breakdown if i live this double life anymore, i dont want to lose my dad but i feel now is the time i must stand up and give me and my bf a proper go and stop the meetings all together!

  Cordelia,

  You're heading in the right direction, trust your instincts. As hard as this is for you, any pain your father experiences from your choice is his own doing, as he should not expect to be able to control you and your thoughts for your entire life. You're in your 30s, for Pete's sake! The very fact that you feel so bad about this speaks volumes about the lame guilt trip your family is trying to lay on you. Be strong and stand up to this!
• 

  Scully

  if i dont give my bf up for 6 months have no contact (so i can get reinstated) then he cant have anything to do with me

  Classic case of emotional blackmail.

  He has already made the choice for you. He doesn't want to accept you or your non-JW lifestyle. He is putting a condition on the relationship between you. In order for him to "have anything to do with" you, he is requiring you to be a JW. You don't want that. His loyalty is to the Organization, not his daughter.

  I would say (but of course, this is just an example and may not be what you want) "Listen Dad. I love you and mom as much as I always have and always will. I will never close the door on a relationship with you. But if you cannot respect that I do not want to be one of Jehovah's Witnesses, then you must do what you feel you need to do. This is your choice, not mine. I do not appreciate you using emotional blackmail tactics to control my life and make our relationship contingent upon my allegiance to a religious organization. I will always welcome you into my home and receive you with love and dignity and respect. The decision to curtail the family relationship will be up to you, not me."
• 

  Ingenuous

  thing is he actuelly said to me before that i could make him compromise and that even my mum said she doesnt want to be in the new world without me but i dont want to destroy their faith it is their life!

  You cannot "make" them "compromise". Their choices are theirs, not yours.

  Someone who wants to believe something regardless of reality will not let facts get in the way of doing so. If someone is more inclined to pursue truth, then the struggle of living by truth is inevitable. Yet, it is still their struggle and no one else's.

  As opposed to trying to reason or argue or force the truth about the Org on them, it may help if you resolve ahead of time not to argue. No arguments, discussions, cajoling, etc. If you make your statement ("I'm not going back.") and simply repeat it without attempting to justify it, they'll likely lose steam. Deciding ahead of time not to argue or get sucked into a "discussion" can also relieve some of the pressure on you because you don't have anything to prove or defend. Other than letting them know you love them and that will never change and asking for the same respect that you would show them regarding personal choices, maybe you can give yourself a break by not planning a long-winded, in depth approach.

  Some info on dealing with emotional blackmail may also help.

  All the best!
• 

  Sirona

  Cordelia,

  I've spoken to you twice today and please do phone me later on if you want to. I'll be out until about 8.30 so phone after that.

  You KNOW that I am here for you and that everyone on this forum who has commented is considering your wellbeing. No matter what, you are not alone.

  You've come a long long way in these few months and I'm proud of the stance you are taking. Things will balance out eventually.

  (HUGS)

  Cab 1000

  Lets look at it from another viewpoint. Lets say that you and your family have never heard of Jehovah's Witnesses. Would there still be this drama? Would the divorce and boyfriend thing be dividing your family anyway? Is it possible that Dad strongly dislikes this new boyfriend, and secretly hopes that by using religion that you will reunite with your husband? Is the boyfriend (homewrecker?) bad news, and everyone knows it but you?

  Thanks for that. Whilst I think that the JWs take things to an extreme in the shunning department, I can see what you mean here. Her mum and dad DO want her to reunite with the ex Hub, even though he was violent towards her. I think they have said that she could come back without reuniting, but then there are rules about that aswell. The dad hasn't met the new boyfriend, all he knows is he is "worldly".

  About the boyfriend being bad news, well who knows until Cordy has a clearer mind and the decision is made?

  Sirona
• 

  BrendaCloutier

  ((( cordielia )))) I've been in your situation, except w/out children. I chose to live my own life as I saw fit. I was 25 and just out of a violent relationship. But I had also had enought of the Truth(tm) and their wonderful hypocrasy (not necessarily from my parents). I was not df'd but would likely have been had I returned. My parents helped move me into an apartment, then had mostly nothing more to do with me. For 24 years! Yes, it hurt them deeply. But they did what they felt they had to do to be responsible JW's. (Dad was an elder).

  My dad is now deep in alzheimers and dying a slow death from kidney failure brought on by 40 years of diabetes. My mom is beside herself because she just can't understand how "this system can last much longer". They are 88 years old, and I feel so deeply for their lost hope. But it has been as much their choice to live their beliefs as it has been my choice to live my life.

  I do not regret my life's path one iota. My biggest regrets are that I allowed myself to be pulled outta HS to go into the ministry in 1973 before A came in 1975. And that I married that "good JW man" in 1975, who turned into a violent abusive alcoholic. Both choices because of JWism.

  I trust you will do the best thing for you and your daughter.

  Hugs and love

  Brenda
• 

  TheListener

  I forgot to mention it in my previous post, but I too will be praying for you.
• 

  Double Edge

  I've never been a dub, so my perspective's a little different, but here's my 2 cents:

  First of all, as Father/daughter relationships are special and can be very close.... for the most part, when life-changes occur, it's usually the Dad who has the most difficulty in accepting change.

  you said:

  his answer is that he will come round to my house alot and study with me and answer any 'questions' i have and i say 'no i just dont want to go anymore and i want to be with my bf'

  he was so hurt and is coming round at 7 tonight coz he said if i dont give my bf up for 6 months have no contact (so i can get reinstated) then he cant have anything to do with me and he is so hurt coz he thinks im so close to being reinstated,

  Your Dad is trying to help you "straighten out" your life, which, in his mind, has always been his role. Whether you were a JW or not, he would have a hard time dealing with you asserting your independent self. One thing that I noticed about his statement above, is that he has placed an unrealistic demand upon you..... he needs to know that ... he might as well say "unless you swim the English Channel in under four hours, I will not be your friend"... duh You could turn it around and say "unless we can come to some realistic understanding that is doable, you're right, I don't know how I can consider you a loving father - you are setting me up for failure".

  Also, remember, when he said what he said, it was in the "heat'" of the moment.... hopefully a rational mind will reconsider.

  D.E.