guys i really need your help (page 9)

jgnat

Yes, time to visit the doctor. Your chronic indecision might be covering up depression. Have you ever heard the parable of the Old Man, the Boy and the Donkey?

http://www.alia.org.au/~rhorton/library/parable.htm

Here's the pro and con list if I wrote it for you. I might have some details or options wrong. Go ahead and correct for your situation. As you can see, in every option someone gets hurt. That might be what is blocking you. I think you are very much like my daughter. She won't make ANY decision at all if any option means she risks losing something. Kids these days. They want it all.

jgnat

1. Get reinstated for real, reconcile with my husband.

Advantage: I get the house back, my family back.

Disadvantage: I am not true to myself. I lose my boyfriend. I might crack under the strain.

2. Get reinstated for fake, don’t reconcile with my husband. Fade later.

Advantage: I keep my family.

Middle: Work out some reasonable visitation with ex-husband.

Disadvantage: My boyfriend will likely give up in frustration. I will be on my own with my daughter. I burden myself with a double lifestyle for at least six months longer. I might crack under the strain.

3. Don’t get reinstated. Passive resistance with my family and ex-husband. Stick with my boyfriend.

Advantage: I am true to myself. Eventual peace of mind as my family adjusts to my stand. Boyfriend might stick with us.

Disadvantage: Dad over trying to prove his case. Even worse, dad and mom might give up and cut me off. I lose my family. Ex-husband may be miserable about custody and visitation.

4. Don’t get reinstated. Make a positive stand for what I believe and who I love. Stick with my boyfriend.

Advantage: I am true to myself. Boyfriend will likely stick with us. Ex-hubby will have to get used to the reality of my new life.

Disadvantage: Parents grieve and cut me off. They might change their mind later and re-establish contact. Ex-husband may be a super pain about custody and access.

5. Don’t get reinstated. Make a positive stand for what I believe. Decide to move out on my own, and consider a relationship some time in the future.

Advantage: I am true to myself. No complications or confusion over who loves me and who I love.

Middle: Work out some reasonable visitation with ex-husband.

Disadvantage: It will be tough at first going it alone. Ex-husband will be cranky for a while. Boyfriend will be cranky for a while. Family will be cranky for a while. I might crack under the strain.

Cordelia

wow ignat thats great!

i had decided on number 4 then my bf started being a pain (tho he says its just coz ive never put him first) and ex hubby started being nice! (tho i think too much will have gone on for us to be ever truely ok)

i still like no 4 its just actually hurting my family thats hard!

jgnat

See? That's how lists work. It reduces confusion. Your BF might be relieved if you tell him you have made a positive decision how to proceed and you make a concerted effort not to wimp out when dad comes over.

Now, if only people would line up and act the way they are supposed to....

LittleToe

Cordy:Print off the list and show your b/f. See if it helps him understand some.

Potentially most of his frustration is because of your indecision. If he can see that you are in a genuine crisis, and some of the reasons for that, it might help him to understand and be the support and strength you need.

Nonetheless, go to the Doctor's as well. You need all the help and support you can get, and a counsellor will hopefully be able to teach you some new emotional tools to deal with the various situations you find yourself in.

Cordelia

i went to doctors he put me on antidepressents for a month but only 10 mg, i feel like a crack pot!

there not working yet!!!

i will tell him about the list i havent a printer, but sirona if youre reading this will you print it for me?

tho he wouldnt like the option of going back with my hubby he is pretty jealous and unreasonable sometimes!

jgnat

How long, cordelia? In two weeks you should be feeling better, if you aren't, switch to something else. To make the list more palatable to your BF, put a big red X through the options you would NEVER consider.

LittleToe

Cordy:
These are only a variety of logical options. It doesn't mean that you're going to try every one of them. You need to choose the option you feel is best for you. If your b/f understands this it should give no rise to jealousy. If it does (and if he's a jealous type anyhow) then maybe he just isn't the guy for you.

Of course I'm bringing my own biases into play here, because I simply can't abide jealousy.

Medication can take a wee while to kick in. Tell your GP that you also need counselling. They are often very helpful, if you confide in them. Counsellors aren't anti-JW, like we were taqught, they are just pro-Patient (i.e. on your side)!

ballistic

I think a problem for a lot of people who grew up in the truth is they never learn to stand on their own two feet. This definately applied to me, even though I've subsequently made a life for myself and spent much of that independant, alone in my case.

To have to learn that kind of independence at such a time of crisis is like a double blow. You are at a point in your life where you can be truly independent for the first time, and yet you also need support the most. I can imagine for a woman with a child, it is probably even more the case.

I don't know if you picked up the point earlier Cordy, but as someone else said, it is not a good idea to analyse the situation in terms of leaving the truth and your family for your boy friend. Although I agree the various options should be included in your "list", you cannot put into the same equasion truth verses boy friend.

You have to ask yourself whether you really believe the truth or not and make your decision based on that. Love comes and goes, family may speak then not speak, then speak again. But if you really believe the truth and still decide to leave, then your equasion would effectively be saying you are not only giving up your family but you are willing to die for someone. Think about it.

What you have come to see as a "nemesis", the fading... is difficult to do, in most cases involves moving long distances from home and you always risk being caught allowing your daughter to see what it's like having a christmas tree in the house for the first time, caught being with a partner, or some other normal, but worldly activity.

Just a few thoughts. I'm sure things will work out alright in the end.

guys i really need your help

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