anyone ever wonder whether IT could be the TRUTH?

by Cordelia 67 Replies latest jw friends

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  Cordelia

  thanks i know you are all right its just a shock isnt it to think its not the 'truth' and even more annoying that your loved ones cant see it, do you all think i would be happier not going to any meetings? even tho thats taking my familys hope away

  sassmyfrass its great to hear from you, my pming has not been working and i often wondered how you were getting on, are u still trying to get reinstated how is the marraige doing do you feel like you did the right thing? (sorry to be nosy but i always wondered if u was ok you kind of did the thing i should of done and was open and honest about your bf in the first place, i thought i was helping my family by giving them hope i was getting reinstated but now i realise i have probably been crueler this way! and i have had months of acting like a phsyco to my bf and worn down some of the love he had for me)

  acrugirl i hope you are ok i read your other thread that was suggested and really feel for you,

  littletoe i know what you are saying my parents prob will die soon but instead of that making me think i should please myself it makes me feel really sad that i should be doing all i can to make their lives happy not sad before they die, imagine if im off with my bf being happy and they are heartbroke and then die. that is something i actually worry about and almost made me think i should get reinstated and then leave after they die! (i know that sounds stupid tho!!)
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  g_cuddles

  Cordelia,

  are you leaving because you truly dont believe its the truth or because you want to be with your bf more ......either way if you were raised a JW you know that Jehovah wants whole souled worship so if its not in your heart its only gona cause you more pain if you get reinstated .....but you do have to search youre heart and decide if you can give up ya fam to be with your bf ...which in reallity may or may not last .....
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  sass_my_frass

  Hey hon, yeah a lot of weirdness around the wedding. I'm back at the meetings and playing the game, but having him around has given me a new perspective on it and if, as I suspect, in a couple of years I've decided that we can't just keep playing this game, I'm going to pull the pin on the reinstatement plan. I now know that it's only to make my family happy, as it makes me miserable. I know that even if I am reinstated it's not like the good times will start rolling, there will always be weirdness and pressure, but it will be worse than now because my siblings will be talking to me and I will be back in the circle of family gossip which is mostly about their misery and heartbreak. None of it is my problem any more; I'm happy, and if they want to grieve me that's their choice. They can't help being deluded but they're adults and equipped with the same reasoning faculties of everybody else, and they've probably just decided that a massive change in their lives is too scary. So I'm sorry that they're sad, but I think they're more just feeling guilty because a voice inside of them tells them that they're doing the wrong thing, and they don't have the guts to face it. Then they go and visit me in my dreams, and I realise that what they're doing has the potential to make me so sad, so I turn that into righteous indignation. Non-witnesses agree with me; that shunning your family is wrong. My honey is just marvellous. I am not treating him a fraction as bad as the one who got away though, because I've learned that the entire planet isn't about my feelings and spiritual confusion. Other people are getting on with their lives and like it to be simple and happy. With my hubby, it's just good times, because now my attitude is that if god gave us this life, it's to have some joy in it, and the people who take that away from you should be rejected. I therefore no longer need my family's approval, and am not going to be the one taking the joy away from my husband. It's our time now, to be happy and have love in our lives. The meetings are just a place I go to when it's time to, and he does his own things on those nights. He accepts that I need to try to get my family back, and he knows exactly where I'm at with that, and that I'm not going to let our marriage fail if the plan fails. Our marriage is absolutely the most important thing, and if this reinstatement thing doesn't work out, I will still be happy, knowing that I gave it a try, but it wasn't worth risking everything for. I love my family, but we all have to be who we are, not who somebody else wants us to be. You must not let your parents and the organisation control you. For now, just take a stand against him putting this deadline on you. It's irresponsible and unfair of him to do so. Write him your own letter, telling him that you will make your choices when the time is right for you and your boyfriend.
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  sass_my_frass

  Hon, my mistake with my failed engagement was that I was always putting him on hold, never sure, thinking that I had to make this decision about what to do with the truth before deciding whether we really should go ahead. Of course this meant that his feelings weren't as important as mine, and the constant waiting and worry thoroughly wore him down and depressed him, and finally drove us apart. If I'd realised that the most important thing is love, and I hate using these words because they are so corny, then I'd have noticed how hard he was trying to understand, how he was letting me go through this thing and trying to work it out too. But there is a limit to how much any man can take, and he finally caved under the pressure of not ever knowing if he was good enough, of me thinking that he might be a bad association one day. My fear then was that one day I would 'see the light' and would have a husband who was opposed to me taking the kids to the meetings and being one of those poor spiritual widows whose unbelieving mate is so unsupportive. I can't believe that I fell for it. I'm so ashamed of believing the tripe I used to believe, served courtesy of a corporation run by old men I'd never meet who, even though their motives are possibly, individually genuine, as a group they're just relying on the affirmations of each other. I'm ashamed of the idiot I used to be. I realised that most witnesses faith depends upon the assurance of everybody else that yes, they believe it too. Big conventions; fantastic, all these people in the same boat, we're all family, in this together! Shared trials of field service, being the weird kid in school, sacrifices we've all made but it's okay because we've all made them, even just showing up at the meetings is encouraging... But don't go talking to anybody who isn't a witness, they won't help you with this faith you have to maintain. That's because our faith as witnesses entirely depended upon the people around us, affirming it. Sorry, lost track a bit there. I'm worried about you because you might be cornering yourself... you might be trying to play a game where you get to keep both him and them, and end up losing both of them. So okay, yes you do have to choose, because your Dad is following the rules as a witness. But do you think that god would want it that way? Do you see God writing you a letter, saying, 'Dear young lady who has had very little time to work out who she is, please tell me by Friday whether or not you are going to follow these rules you don't really understand, and remember, this choice is for the rest of your life'. My god wouldn't do that. Tell your Dad that he is being cruel and selfish. Too bad that he wants to end his pain. He signed your family up into this organisation; he has to live with his decisions.
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  seattleniceguy

  Hi Cordellia,

  I don't presume to be in your shoes, but one thing you said raised my eyebrow a bit:

  I have treated him so bad and got so upset and wondered why i am giving up my life to be with him!

  I think you need to separate the issue of "is this the Truth" from "do I want to live the rest of my life with my boyfriend?" They are two very different issues, and if you confuse them, there is a chance that you won't think either one through. You should leave the organization because it is not true, regardless of whether you will be with your boyfriend forever. Think about your boyfriend situation on its own merits, not as a question of whether it is worth "leaving the organization."

  I fear that if you leave the organization to be with your boyfriend, you will end up with two struggles that it might take a while to get past: a) You will not have worked out whether the organization was wrong on its own, and b) you will constantly be comparing whether your boyfriend's value is sufficient to have warranted leaving what you still think may be the "Truth."

  Just my two cents. I don't mean to tell you what to do. I'm just telling you how things appear to me.

  SNG
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  sass_my_frass

  Sorry, double posted
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  sass_my_frass

  That was on my mind too, and it is another decision that can't be rushed... and is another reason your Dad should get a serving! Totally unfair of him to make you choose now, since you're deciding what to do about your boy at the same time as you're deciding what to do with your family and the organisation, and he wants a decision now. Seattleniceguy is right in that they are different questions. If your dad goes ahead with his plan to cut you off if you don't come running back to the truth at the end of this week, you know what? That clears your deck for you to focus on your boyfriend and work out how you are together. You do need that space you know. Maybe your dad is doing you a favour, and being left alone for a long while will give you the room you need. Of course you'll miss each other, but perhaps it's time. No decision that you make with regard to The Truth is final, remember... you can work it out some other time in your life when your head is clear. Right now it's just your Dad rushing you because he wants closure himself. But you and your boyfriend are the important ones in this equation. You may be thinking that if it turns out to be the truth, your choice to be with your boyfriend and maybe even do so forever was wrong, but that's not actually true. Even if one day you choose to think that it IS, it will not be the same Truth as you used to know. You'll hopefully have a different perspective on it, you'll apply flexibility here and there, you'll be reasonable, and you won't be the kind of woman to consider herself a spiritual widow and give her 'unbelieving mate' (sorry jgnat I hate the expression too) that distant disrespect of not including him in the journey of your life.
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  rmt1

  "Truth" is not an infantile surrender to a Lacanian FATHER with his Cleaver-ly promises, but a very uncomfortable, ceaseless, knawing worry that human morality is constructed, and/or that the individual is most perfect and least sinless when they do not abrogate their own reasoned judgment on what is right or wrong. Need it be said this is all mercurial and relative like an Archimedes without a fulcrum? Welcome to the terror of being "in the World." The fear of death by an inflammation of the Armageddon ("apocolitis") quickly begins to pale in significance next to the sheer joy of having in your own hands the entire remainder of your life, however little they have left you (or much, if you're very lucky).
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  sass_my_frass

  If it's any consolation, I didn't understand rmt1 either.
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  Cordelia

  Thanks sass, you have really helped me i have decided what to do i am gonna try and give my bf a proper go but what my dads prob is is that im stopping going so i am wasting the 8 months i have tryed to get reinstated and puutting myself back even further he has said i could decide to leave the truth when i am reinstated guess he just wants to be able to talk to me without the dfing hanging over us. and thats where sometimes i take it out on my bf coz i think 'why dont i do that just get reinstated and then leave' but its coz of my bf im not doing that.

  altho like seattle said i should seperate the issues he is so right i dont think i think its true so i would be happy just stopping going, its just i wish i had just left not been dfed as i could talk to people then altho maybe even that would be worse coz then i'd have constant pressure from them all!

  point is: i am just gonna stop going but a part of me worries that i am wasting the last 8 months and if ever i wanted to get reinstated for my family it would take me so much longer than it would of done now!

  but i am doing the right thing are'nt i??