well i know its been said before...... but i agree so whole heartedly that i decided to reiterate it to make it VERY VERY CLEAR!!!
RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN
besides, why would you wanna date someone whos not allowed to have sex???
the infamous one
Please help me, I need advice on dating a JW!!
by Super_Becka 58 Replies latest social relationships
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Super_Becka
Hi everyone,
Thanks for the warm welcome, I really needed it. :) This is a very stressful subject for me and I really need some advice, and it's so good to know that there are lots of people out there with advice and words of wisdom for me, I really appreciate all of your help. Keep it coming!!
Before I say anything else, I want to apologize for my really long post, I just had a lot to get out and I tend to be a little long-winded sometimes. *blush* I want to make sure you guys can see the different aspects of my situation so that you can give the best advice you can. :)
Just another couple of things about my relationship with my JW boyfriend, to keep things nice and clear:
- While he won't talk about sharing or at least tolerating my holiday celebrations, he doesn't shy away from discussions about religion in general. We swap stories about our faiths, what we believe, and things like that. I've told him about my church services and he's told me about his meetings at KH. We've had a few debates on what we believe - like my devotion to the Apostle's Creed and his Society's way of using the Bible to back up their beliefs - and none of our debates have ended badly... yet. But of course, he doesn't question anything that the WTS has told him, so that's a major concern.
- When it comes to church-going, I'm not avid by any means, I go occasionally, and I always go for special occasions like Christmas and Easter, and he says that he rarely goes to KH, maybe once a year, if that, and when we were chatting one night and religion came up, he said that he was interested in going to a church service with me in my town and so I said that I would go to a meeting with him (don't worry, I'm not converting, I just want to see what the WTS tells these people). I know that he can get kicked out of the WTS for attending a church service with me, but he doesn't seem concerned at all.
I know that my best bet is to just run from this whole mess while I still can and find myself a good, non-JW boyfriend - believe me, a part of me has been telling me to do that for a while - but I'm gonna sit it out for a while, see what happens. We're not engaged, we're not getting married, we're not living together yet, it's not too late for me to get out of this, so for now, I just want to see how things unfold. This will be our first Christmas as a couple, and I'm not hiding how festive I am and how much I love the holidays, so I want to see how he handles everything as I enjoy my holidays. I'm a very stubborn, determined person, I want to give this a chance before I call it quits, and if I get burned in the end, and I probably will, it'll be my own fault and at least I'll have learned something.
Again, thanks everyone for the support, I really need this now. I'll definitely be sticking around this forum, see what I can find out and learn, and I'll be sure to keep everyone posted on how things work out for me. Thanks for listening, everyone!! Keep the advice coming!!
-Becka :) -
jgnat
Well, you could try peppering him with questions to point out the illogic of the whole JW pagan-origin thing. See if you can get him to agree, in principle, if pagan-origin (Christmas trees) is different than pagan-behavior (child-sacrifice). If one is wrong (child-sacrifice) does it necessarily follow that the other is too (christmas trees)?
Let's see. Ask him if he has a problem with wedding rings. Wedding rings have a definite pagan origin.
Ask him if pinatas are pagan origin and if they are wrong. (Latest light from the society is that they are OK.) http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/20/100996/3.ashx
Ask him if a hawaiian luau, pagan origin, is OK. (Latest light from the society is that they are OK.) http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/20/100996/3.ashx
Ask him if child-sacrifice is pagan?
Pentagrams?
Wreaths?
Turkey dinner? (not pagan origin but the JW's abstain anyways)
Mothers' day? (not pagan origin but the JW's abstain anyways)
Someone pointed out the other day that Daniel readily accepted an education from the Babylonian court. Even though he wouldn't eat the kings' food, he had no problem with the education part. Wasn't Babylon pagan?
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Scully
Thinking in the far distant future........
How would you feel, if years down the road you and he had a child together, and your baby was ill and needed a blood transfusion in order to survive. You want the baby to have it. You have no objection to blood transfusions. But JW Daddy does. And JW Daddy says NO BLOOD. That your baby is better off dead than tainted with a blood transfusion.
Or......
There is a medical emergency. You are in a serious traffic accident. You are bleeding profusely and unconscious. He is shaken up a little but still conscious. The doctors tell JW Hubby that you will die unless you have a blood transfusion. He says NO BLOOD, when he knows that you would not object to having one to save your life.
Those are some examples of things that you and he need to be very clear about before this relationship goes one step further.
One thing that really concerns me is the age difference between the two of you. I would hate to see someone who sounds as nice as you get sucked into a controlling and potentially a mentally and emotionally controlling relationship. That age difference is a red flag, particularly as he was sooooo quick to jump from chatting to "I love you" in short order, knowing that you were on the rebound from a relationship where you'd been hurt by your boyfriend and your best friend. As a JW he may not have had the same opportunities to acquire the level of social skills as a non-JW his age should and could be very immature as well.
Those are just a few of the things I'd like to bring to your attention, aside from the knee-jerk reaction to RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.
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Frog
Hi Becka,
I don't believe I can say anything that hasn't already been said. It is true that I've seen many a request for advice such as yours on this forum, and the advise has always been the same.
Fact is your young, and your hear will probably overrule your head no matter what we tell you. If though you are serious about not wanting to overinvest yourself in something that is likely to have a lasting future, then you will have to accept the facts and learn to walk away.
Thing is that young JW's are very evocative, and I can understand what you're attracted to. But do yourself and him a favour and way things up properly.
All the vest, v x
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kiddotan
Hi Becka
Everyone, here has put it right RUN, unless you believe this man is the one. I am the non-believer of our pair, but have been with my man for a while now. (can't stand the thought of being without my best friend)
I have lurked on this forum for sometime using the information and experience here to learn why my man reacts the way he does. (he doesn't have a place like to deal with me though ) Probably the biggest thing is a willingness to talk and negotiate.
Jgnat has started some great threads on being the non-believing partner and i have come up with many ways to negotiate with my wonderful man. Everything from the blood issue to mother's day needs to be discussed. I have solved the blood issue on my part by having a living will that covers both any children we may be lucky enough to have and I. This has been agreed to and signed off by him.
Good luck and Talk well
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Super_Becka
Wow, you guys are really great, I just posted here a couple of hours ago and already, there are lots of replies with advice for me. :) I'm so glad that there are people out there to listen and understand my situation and give me some tips.
Before I head off to bed for the night (it's late and I have class in the morning, I'm in university), I figured I'd give you guys a few more tidbits about me and my relationship based on some of the questions brought up by some posters here:
- About blood transfusions: I'm a blood donor, I carry a blood donor card, and I'm a card-carrying organ donor, and my boyfriend is very much so aware of this and he has no problems with it at all. He doesn't believe in it, but he's never discouraged me from these activities - I have attended a blood donor clinic since we've been together, and he didn't try to talk me out of it, all he said was, "Make sure you eat something good first and don't do anything strenuous after."
- About the possibility of what would happen if we married and had children: that's something we haven't talked about yet, we've only been together for 6 months and I'm not ready to talk about marriage and kids yet, I am still in university and I have a lot to do with my life before I settle down and start a family, so it's not an issue just yet. If it becomes an issue, I'm very adamant about what I want for my children - they will have all the things I had as a child, like Christmas and Easter and Halloween and birthdays and everything else, and I will not prevent them from receiving blood if they need it, nor will I be refusing blood. And like I said before, I'm stubborn, I won't go back on my beliefs.
- Pagan beliefs: thanks for the tips, I've tried broaching the "pagan origins" question, and the concept of anniversaries (let's face it, birthdays are just anniversaries, and so is every other yearly celebration), and I even mentioned to him when we were talking last night that wedding rings have very clear pagan origins, and he didn't even know that, I think he was surprised. I'll take note of the other things posted here and slip them into conversation sometimes, just to see what he has to say about them. I'll definitely have to do some more research on some "pagan" practices that JWs partake in (like the fact that the calendar everyone uses has pagan/pre-Christian roots), so any and all tips are welcome!!
- Heh, something I thought you might find amusing is the fact that my boyfriend apologizes for being a "weird Witness" all the time, I'm not kidding. He knows that my family and I aren't comfortable with the idea of him being a JW, and he says he's sorry for it on a regular basis. When I told him that I'd told my grandmother about his beliefs (that was hard, my grandmother is a very devout Anglican), he asked me to apologize to her for his being a Witness because he was afraid that she wouldn't like him anymore. Does this seem a little strange to you??
Again, thanks to everyone here for all of your help, I really need this. :) It's so good to have the support of other people in the same situation or who know more about this than I do, I appreciate all of your posts and concern. Keep the posts coming!!
-Becka :)
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lonelysam
yeah i say run, real fast
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horrible life
Hi Super, welcome. Last month a new poster posted a story, that was a little different than we usually read. This poster married and had a child. The pain that he has gone through touched me. I asked him if he minded if I posted a link back to him, to posters like you, who were felt torn. Here is the link, and I hope you will be able to get something out of it.
http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/7/100683/1.ashx
Good Luck, Please let us know how you are doing, and keep posting, Lots of people here with loads of experience. HL
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Joel Wideman
Hating the holidays is a defense mechanism. When you're taught from a young age that the reason you aren't celebrating along with all the other children is because THEY are worshipping the Devil, it warps your view of the holidays. It takes acceptance of the real truth - that the WTS has lied to you about pretty much everything - to get over this.