My wife has tons of great qualities. That's why I married her in the first place. I had my head in the clouds too. Now I'm blunt and matter-of-fact about this. It happens when the dictates of a few men in Brooklyn nearly leave my children motherless. (Shocking crash landing back to earth). Now they threaten to make my children their puppets. (sorry had to get that out).
Please help me, I need advice on dating a JW!!
by Super_Becka 58 Replies latest social relationships
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Candlestick02
Hi Super_Becka,
I wish I could write more, but I have to run now...but I'm off to have dinner w/ my husband, the "non-believing mate". = ) I'll share with you my experience at a later time. However, my happy ending became as a result of me leaving the organization...and I **was** --unlike your b/f, a full-fledged JW. (I've known some fence-riders too though, some family, in particular.) It was a hellofa ride...but I've never been happier. Take note, however, that there's either the JW stays a JW and reeks havoc along the way, OR the JW leaves ...and there's hell to pay for that, but there could be the light at the end of the tunnel.
(feel free to PM me)
Talk to you soon,
Candlestick
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sass_my_frass
All I need to see is his stubbornness on christmas to know that he's going to be more work than you think. You're too young for this game. Get yourself somebody who will love all of you and not want you to be something else.
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jgnat
OK, I took a second look at my post, and I noticed our sweet little lovebird missed a few qualifying statements. Like, dealing with the WTS in your partner's life is like searching for the cure for AIDS.
Super_Becka, please don't go in to a commitment thinking you can reform this teeny tiny little flaw in your man. Think long and hard if you want to spend the rest of your life fighting over the holidays. And blood transfusions. And how your children will be raised.
I got one flower too.
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kiddotan
Super_Becka, please don't go in to a commitment thinking you can reform this teeny tiny little flaw in your man.
Please re-read the above from Jgnat.
Super_Becka, being JW is a cultural difference, (the difference between being married to a orthadox Catholic and Muslim from diffirent countries is easier to cope with. I was married to a Muslim from Albania and my Dad's Catholic, so have a bit of idea). It has it's own language, rules, are definilty more confusing.
Think long and hard if you want to spend the rest of your life fighting over the holidays. ; And blood transfusions. ; And how your children will be raised.
Life is hard enough without adding these into it.
We have put lots of things in place to deal with the above. Living wills etc.
I got flowers too.
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truenote
Hello.
First I apologize for not being able to read every other response you may have recieved, and for my virgin like and uppity approach I may take.
Another thing I will warn is never being in the position your in. Therefore my advice maybe not be resourceful for you. Now, I think you need to put yourself out of the element of your J/W boyfriend, and focus on your personal convictions, beliefs, etc and so does he. To me, love is being able to not view things as a burden, but as a certain gift of sorts of a person. For example you have mix feelings about his beliefs or about holidays with family. But, the truth is you need to come to a terms with where you can either acept or end you relationship. One of the things I hate, and I 'm sure that after this I'll be avoided like a plague, is false or half truths about Jehovah witnesses. I personally don't agree with something with the JW org, but I do however understand the beliefs and respect to some strong degrees about the laws enforced.
You view holidays as something wonderful as well as your faith. I don't want nor wish to argue, convert, or change your view. (I would be to
two-faced and dishonest if i did) Perhaps for food of thought, you need to talk to a kind, really sincere, and active witness. Find out about
why holidays aren't really celebrated, and not what you read on the internet or books. (Helpful advice, many people speak out of various reasons: Some out of harm.Some for good.Some out of spite. Some out misunderstanding. Your a smart girl be careful and always think of what's the writer's angle, and thier reasons for why they speak.)
Not to changed but to understand. Because when you understand, you may be likely to not view
certain things in very negative matter. For instance, a mother may tell a child don't go to a certain park. But the child may see other children
playing there, and say his mother is just hateful because the others kids are having fun in that certain park, and she just says 'no.' However,
maybe the mother of the boy knows that the park is a high marked area for sexual predators or certain dangers that other parents aren't aware yet. So to protect him, she says, 'no.' Another thing to consider is that while witnesses may not have the fun or glamor of the comon holidays. When you meet the ones who are true and active J/W, They have strengh of love and unity . And they do do fun things. Not on the scale to which most maybe common. Sometimes days have be invented. One of my favorite memories is with my mother and niece. Before Thankingiving holidays, my parents and I would go rent a cabin in the mountains with other members. We did nature walks, held bon fires, took pictures. My mom, niece, and I would collect nature stuff, take them home, make fresh hot coco or apple cider ,and make art out of the things we found. Plus, I had alone TIME and PEACE. I love to read, so I had endless time. It was a quiet fun.
Bottom-line this matter resides with HIM and YOU. You both have to make personal very differcult decisions. He has to decide if he truly wants to be a witness. He has to make a one choice deal. If he views being a Jehovah witnesses as a burden or a hardship that is to
hard to follow, then he has to be honest and deal. You have pretty much the same chioce. My final advice is if you two do not
handle or wake up and deal with this now, it will grow and grow until the problem will hurt more than it should. It was a pleasure
writing to you, and I sincerely hope things works out for both of you.
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Super_Becka
Hi everyone,
I just wanted to give all of you a little update on my situation. Not much as changed, but I've finally managed bring up the topic of my holiday celebrations with my boyfriend, even if it was in an email rather than verbally. I told him how I felt about his decided hatred for my holidays and that I didn't understand where this hatred comes from (I know his reasoning behind not celebrating Christmas, I just don't know why he, as a person, hates it so much), and I got a response back from him today
He hates (heh, he says he doesn't "hate" it, because "hate" is a very strong word, but I know he hates it) Christmas because of his faith, because of the commercial aspect of it and the fact that it's everywhere and he thinks that it's forced on him. Hey, a lot of people don't like how commercial Christmas is now, and sure, Christmas is everywhere, but these things are also part of Western culture, and if he lived in India, Hinduism would be everywhere and he'd be offended by how that is forced on him. It's mainly his faith that makes him hate this season, which seems to strange to me, that a faith would incite hatred in its followers. Maybe it's just that my faith is so tolerant.
The worst part is that he flat out refuses to see my viewpoints on the subject. He knows how much it hurts me that he's behaving like this and he says that he doesn't want to hurt me, but he's not willing to be a little more tolerant and open-minded, either. I've never tried to force him to celebrate with me, I've never tried to force my beliefs on him or to change him, but he's acting like I am just because I want to share my special with him. And not only that, but he's making me feel guilty about it, though with all of the warnings I've gotten here, I'm really not surprised.
"I'm sorry if it makes you sad. I only want you to by happy, but me and christmas just don't mix. I can only be honest. I hope you still love me. You're the most important thing in my life. If I lost you over some silly holiday it would just break me."
That's what he wrote to me, among other things. He knows how much I love him and that I'd rather die than break his heart, so he tells me how hard it would be for him if I ended our relationship over this. But in the same sentence, he thinks that it's appropriate to call Christmas, something that he knows means so much to me, "some silly holiday". I thought he was a sweet, sensitive person, but I guess he's not as he appeared. I feel like he's putting a guilt-trip on me for my holidays, trying to make me choose him or my holidays, and it's a very difficult decision for me and one that he can never win, because I'll never give up my holidays for him.
I'll be emailing him back soon and I'll be sure to bring up the future - sure, we're fine now because we're far apart and we don't live together, but what happens if we stay together and start living with each other?? I'm sure he hasn't thought of this, or if he has, he's probably sure that I'll just conform and give up everything that I celebrate just for him, but if that's what he thinks, he's sadly mistaken. Like I said before, I won't be giving up my celebrations for anyone or anything, and if I have children someday, then I won't be depriving them of the things that have made me so happy for so long and bring back so many happy memories for me. I will never change my stance on these things, no matter what.
Of course, none of this makes this situation any less heart-breaking for me, it's killing me and he just doesn't care. He cares that I'm hurting, but he doesn't care about why I'm hurting and he's not going to do anything about it, so as far as I'm concerned, then he doesn't care. I've been going to bed lately with a box of Kleenex because my heart is broken and I don't know what to do. Well, I know what I should do, I know what I need to do, it's just so hard to bring myself to do it.
I'm so glad all of you are here to help me through this mess, it's so good to have people who understand to be there for me and offer up suggestions and advice for me. Thank you so much for being there for me while I figure this out, I really appreciate all of your support. Please keep your advice coming!!
-Becka :)
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jgnat
Well, the proof will be in the pudding soon enough.
If I lost you over some silly holiday it would just break me.
I find it interesting how he turned his issue in to your problem. I'd call him on it. As you say, it is not silly to you. So tell him it is a deal-breaker. Then he can live with the regret of what might have been, if he could have given up his prejudice. Over a silly holiday.
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M.J.
Thanks for sharing. I don't have much time to respond but I just wanted to extend my sympathy for what you are going through. I realize how powerful these emotions are because I've felt them. It's like the whole world comes crashing down...But I also want to say when we are heartbroken it's so easy to lose perspective on the wonderful things of life we have going for us. Like our basic right to live our life on our own terms, living out our dreams, and according to our heart's desire...Once you lose that you realize just how valuable it was...
Please continue to talk about your struggles and I hope we can continue to be of some comfort and assistance.