Please help me, I need advice on dating a JW!!

by Super_Becka 58 Replies latest social relationships

  • hamsterbait
    hamsterbait

    Get some photocopies of old WTS literature, the ones predicting ooh-

    1914 will see the END of the Great Tribulation, that by 1917 the members of the churches will "be slaughtered in thier millions" , that "we may confidently expect that 1925 will see the resurrection of Abraham Isaac Jacob and the prophets of old" , that (p 35 of "Life Everlasting in the Freedom of the Sons of God") Christs millennial reign will end in 2975 (so when must Armageddy come for this to be true?) That the end will come within months of Pearl harbour.

    Ask him in view of the scripture about false prophets in Deut, why does he still believe this stuff?

    But like Cupid - love is blind. for now you WANT ONLY HIM. nature's way is to let things turn sour after the babies are made.

    HB

  • kiddotan
    kiddotan
    But like Cupid - love is blind. ; for now you WANT ONLY HIM. ; nature's way is to let things turn sour after the babies are made.

    Yikes HB, no hope for any of us. Whew... Bugger probably true

    Hypocricy is no big deal with JW's, they pretty well HAVE to be they have so many darn rules.

    This happens without them having any ideal they are being hypocrites.

    You onn the rebound, he's a virgin, never had a girlfriend, loves you in a couple of weeks AND talking of marriage. Without him being a JW i would have alarm bells.

    His family except you? Watchout for the underlying stuff they may try and change you.

    Good luck

  • Enigma One
    Enigma One

    No I do not think you are defending him. I think you are trying to convince youself.

    Look at how many 1st hand experiences you have read here at JWD. How many have had good experiences....how many bad? Don't you find it mildly alarming not a SINGLE poster has given you a good, upbeat, happy experience? I wouldn't wish being a JW on my worst enemy.....well Infamousmouse doesn't count. LOL.

  • Seeking Knowledge
    Seeking Knowledge
    No I do not think you are defending him. I think you are trying to convince youself

    Agreed, and no one would blame you for that, that's so easy to do when one is in the beginning of a new relationship. We all overlook our potential "others" possible downfalls & bad habits, figuring maybe we can change it, or maybe it's not so bad and we can live with it. Maybe even the thrill of thinking we can "save" him/her from something we feel may be destructive. Again, it's good that you are looking into this & arming yourself now instead of later.

    He won't change. If he and his family aren't as "into it" as you indicate, then birthdays, Christmas, etc would be no big deal for them. Sure they can meet you & be friendly, but once you are married or become more serious, they will fall back on WHAT THEY KNOW. The first sign you should be paying attention to is why HE WILL NOT celebrate & discourages you from doing so. Do you really want to make a life with someone that doesn't want you to do something you've done all your life? A leopard doesn't change its spots, he will always make this an issue.

    I'd dig a little deeper if I were you. Ask him why they (and he) are willing to welcome you in if you're not a JW. Ask him if they KNOW you have no intention of being one and plan to celebrate whatever holiday you feel the need to celebrate. If they are fairweather JW's then maybe you can make it work. My ex did the same thing, he did what he wanted and even today, as a baptised member, he still picks & chooses what fits him. The point is, he fell away from it once, and WENT BACK as the pull of what was "right" to him was too strong, once his lie became too big to ignore. Does his family go to meetings?? Are they active? If not why?? Why doesn't he go?? My fear for you goes back to the whole "he doesn't want me to celebrate" thing. He's not that far from the pull. If you're his first girlfriend at the age of 28 then he's had no practice with compromise or disputes in a relationship, it'll be his way or the highway in his way of thinking, which clearly, is all he knows.

    Just my .02

    SK

  • tall penguin
    tall penguin

    Hi there Becka. Welcome to the board.
    You mentionned that your boyfriend's parents seem to approve of you and are even encouraging him to propose to you. While this might appear to be a good sign, I think that they may just be seeing you as a possible convert. For a jw parent, there is always the hope that their wayward child's new love interest will "see the light" and not only will they convert but they'll help the wayward child back "to the fold."
    One thing you can count on with jw's is that things are not as they appear.
    tall penguin

  • Zana
    Zana

    Enigma One wrote: „Look at how many 1st hand experiences you have read here at JWD. How many have had good experiences....how many bad? Don't you find it mildly alarming not a SINGLE poster has given you a good, upbeat, happy experience?“

    Well, that is not really a reliable indicator. The probability that active posters here on this forum have had negative experiences with relationsships to JWs is a lot higher than people posting here who live in a happy relationship with a JW. (I myself have lived in a happy relationship with a JW for over a year now, and of course religious differences cause quite a few problems and discussions now and then, but they do not have a deeper impact than say for example intercultural differences, long-distance-relationships or 10-year-age-differences have on their respective relationships.) Actually my impression of this forum is, that it is quite biased. It is very refreshing to read posts from people like jgnat, who try to give some kind of impartial advice compared to others who just tell Super-Becka to run and hide. I do not want to offend anyone, I have the highest respect for your experiences, but I would not expect 100% impartial advice here.

    One question for Super_Becka:
    Has your boyfriend told you, why he has not been baptised yet? Or if he has plans to do so in the future?

  • jgnat
    jgnat

    Good point, Zana. The truth is, I did what Super_Becka is planning. I married a JW on purpose.

    A good friend of mine pointed out that JW lovers have a few points going for them compared to their "worldly" rivals. They are typically clean-cut, soft-spoken, attentive, and patient. Compare him to a bar gorilla and he might not look so bad. Sure, underneath the guy may be a mess, think Catholic-Guilt-Plus, but....the girl has got to wonder if those flaws are fixable or at least tolerable.

    NOW, I had no idea what a persistent force the WTBTS is. If the WTS were a disease, we're not talking the common cold here, we're talking a cure for AIDS. It feels like the fight of my life.

    ALSO in my favour, and I did consider this before I committed, is my children are grown. There will be no disputes over "do we have children in this old system", "whose faith will they be raised under" and "my GOD yes they will get a blood transfusion if they need it". Also, my hubby has an endearingly accommodating nature, he's never tried to pull headship on me. My folly is all my own, and I live with the consequences alone.

  • M.J.
    M.J.

    I'll have to concede with Zana that if children were out of the picture, this thing could probably work with so much less stress on my part. I could learn to tolerate her going to 5 meetings /week, several hours service per week, personal study, spending time away from family during holidays, etc...(but the question is would I want to?) But we DO have a great relationship and family life, in general, FOR NOW.

    The source of my main concerns centers around the prospects of what will eventually become of our young children. Some people I know can attest how their own children have come to view them with shame, kind of like an alcoholic parent, for not following the "truth"...Some have been relegated to the status of an outsider in their own home. Will my children become indoctrinated? Will they lead the lives of JW children, with all it's peculiarities? Or will I be able to turn this thing around before I have to deal with this? Answer to the last question--probably not.

  • Super_Becka
    Super_Becka


    Ahh, I can see exactly where jgnat is coming from when she says that JW guys do have qualities that are very attractive, and I definitely agree. While his intolerance is very unsettling for me right now, my JW boyfriend does have many many qualities that set him apart from the run-of-the-mill barfly. That's why I ended up getting involved with my boyfriend - I knew he was a JW before we started dating, but he has so many redeeming qualities.

    He's just so sweet and caring and sensitive and pstient, he's very attentive and he does so many things to make me smile, and he seems to take great pleasure in making me happy (present holiday situation notwithstanding). He has a great sense of humour, he's quiet and gentle, he's not a party animal like most guys I know (I'm not a party animal, either, I'm very quiet and private, so that's a great quality for him to have), and he just knows how to make me feel special. We're in contact every single day and we have a long phone call once a week (between the time difference and his job and my school schedule, we don't have many times when we're both free to talk on the phone), but sometimes, he just gives me a quick call to say hi and tell me that he loves me, just out of the blue, to brighten my day, and he always sends me short emails from work, no matter how busy he is, just because he knows I like it. And when I went to visit him over the summer, he picked me up at the airport with a box of chocolate truffles (I'm a diehard chocoholic), a single red rose (cliched, but still my favourite flower) and a big history book (I'm a history major in university, I love history books), not to mention the fact that he's the one that put up the cash for the plane tickets - $1000 (American) just so I could come to visit him for a while. He knows what I like, he knows how to make a girl feel special, even if he is completely and utterly inexperienced in dating, he makes me feel worthwhile, like I'm important to someone. With the exception of the current issues I have with him because of my love of holidays, he's everything I'm looking for in a guy, he really is. Sweet, caring, quiet, sensitive, patient, attentive, funny, gentle, everything I thought would make a perfect guy. I guess it kinda figures that there has to be a monkeywrench in there somewhere - I think there's a natural law out there somewhere that keeps me from having a real fairytale relationship, so I get a guy that seems so great, but happens to be a Witness.

    So that's the reason I'd like to see if this relationship will work, if I can still salvage it, because even if he is a Witness and he's very intolerant about certain things that bring me so much joy and happiness, like Christmas, he is a very sweet person and we have so many things in common. I know that these things don't always work out, and when they do, it's still difficult, but he really is a good person that I really care about, he just has a lot of issues because of the WTS's teachings.

    Anyone else out there have stories about the good qualities of JWs, outside of their beliefs?? I know that most stories tend to be negative, but surely someone else out there has had some good experiences...?? And of course, negative stories are still welcome, I'm open to hearing all sides of this issue!!

    And thanks again, everyone, for all of your advice and suggestions and stories, I really appreciate it, this is just what I need right now!! I'm so glad that I've found a place where people understand my situation and are so supportive. Keep the posts coming!!

    -Becka :)

  • stillajwexelder

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