Marriage - Why bother? (page 4)

manicmama

Is it worth it? YES! Do you jump into it? NO!!!! I was married at a very early age to escape my JW mother and although I did that the man (i use that term loosely!) was a nightmare. Emotional abuse was daily, cheating was rampant (I believe of both sexes) and at the very end violence, which is where I drew the line. If he had actually connected with a punch I can guarantee you it would have been the last thing he would have ever done. It was a marriage from hell & in name only. The things I just described were just the tip of the iceberg. I swore I would never marry again.

Some friends and I started getting together and they were hanging out with a guy I had known forever, never even thought of in a romantic way. One thing led to another and here we are 24 years later still absolutely in love and devoted to one another. Don't get me wrong, it's not always easy but at the very core you must have not only love, but respect for one another. And above all listen! Listen when someone just needs to talk, when there is a disagreemnent learn how to disagree not just yell at each other, talk, communicate, it is the key. Know when to give each other a little space. Learn to give in when it's not something all that important, make sure you put the other person above you at times but don't lose yourself. I can't imagine life without him. Would I get married again if something happened to him? LORD NO! I could never replace him nor would I try. Would I be a hermit, hell no! When my grandfather died I remember talking to my grandma (not a JW) and asked her why she took all the senior tours and trips, as she put it, "Hon, I'm old but I'm not dead!" She was a neat old broad!

manicmama

beksbks

I agree with you Manic. Respect is key, that with communication, and FUN!! I once read that people are drawn romantically to people who they tend to have good times with. I also read that marriages where the man openly admires his wife tend to be stronger, happier, longer lasting marriages. Hmmm I may spend too much time reading.........

Sparkplug

My ideal would be having an exclusive relationship (because my own nature at this point is monogamous) were we each live in our own individual residence. We are available and supportive of each other but there is no ownership nor obligations nor contracts.
Is that impossible to have?

Not impossible.

Kaethra

"Apparently my posts are 50% bad math, 50% poor spelling, and the rest is pure genious..." Only when they're spelled right!

Kaethra

Sorry AA - guess I'm in the mood to pick on someone and you're It!

AlmostAtheist

>> Sorry AA - guess I'm in the mood to pick on someone and you're It!

:-)

I only deeply value three things -- my math, and my speling.

Dave

Think

If you are JW, you have more chance to win lottery, than to have good marriage.

MOST of the JW mariages go in smoke.

Learn the facts, study the TRUTH, the Bible not the WT.

The "NEW Light" Old light , new light, old light is this: more JW marriahes, families will go in smoke. Watch the news, read the news, Pray to God for the TRUTH, he will show you.

New Light fro "brothers" in Bricklin: another broken Family

landynsgma

Marriage is a blessing that is given to us to share. Even though you may feel someone is your soul mate, you may not be theirs. That is something you have to contend with and they may have to as well. My soul mate was my high school boyfriend. Don't have a clue where he is today but he was the soul mate.

As for marriage today, I am older and know what to expect. I have been married a couple of times and look back into the past and choose the best of the best and take away the worst and compile that into what I want. However, there has to be a bit of an allowance for mistakes. There is no sense in arguement. Working things out is the way it should be. We have the previlage to walk this soil at this time and should make the best of it. Why be unhappy? I have been alone for 6 years since my divorce, raised three daughters alone (2 in college and one going on intern to Washington DC this coming summer) and am ready to try again. I am dating an absolutely wonderful man. He is JW and I am not. We basically agree on everything except religion. We are working on that. I am afraid of religion because of past husband. You know the kind - the controlling "you will be submissive", "you will not carry money, I will pay everything" .... that kind of jerk, CHRISTIAN. My current boyfriend was married for 19 1/2 years to a horrible woman - to hear him talk about it. I did meet her once and she was psycho.

Between the two of us, we have eight children and three grandchildren. They are precious to us. This man has taught me patience, how to love again, how to be close to someone, several different traits. I have tought him how to trust, love, open up and talk and several different things. We are both trusting. We both have jobs that we have to travel with. He encounters many women with his job and I have not one doubt in my mind that he is faithful to me and he is my boyfriend - not my husband. And I would never even consider being with another man. I meet several men with my job. I have dinner meetings with these salesmen and such and he doesn't have to worry. He holds my heart and I hold his. I was once told that "to be jealous is to not trust". I believe this completely.

But the original question - Why bother? Because it is fulfilling. It is special. When he comes over and spends time with me, it is nice to be held, it is nice to see a movie with his head in my lap. It is nice for him to run his fingers through my hair when I don't feel good. It is nice to rub his chest with Vicks when he doesn't feel well or to give him an aspirin. It's nice to watch "Finding Nemo" so that he will understand it so he can talk intelligently about it with his granddaughter. Even though I get these things occassionally due to work schedules, I would love to have the everyday redundency of it. The laundry, dinner, dishes, cleaning, picking up clothes off of the floor, bad habits and all, because in the end the good outweighs the bad. You get to share secrets, your lives and your love with someone special.

tetrapod.sapien

spectrum,

i think marriage is a totally unrealistic institution. especially in our modern society. not only is it about ownership, but it's just a freaking piece of paper!

sometimes i shake my head in wonderment at people who insist that after 20 years of marriage they are even more in love with each other. "just in a new way. it's evolved." and it just sounds to me like they are really trying to convince themselves. like being a witness, and being freaked that you have possibly wasted 20 years of your life. a denial of sorts. good for them if i am wrong.

i am very skeptical of the concept of longterm romantic love anyways. if love exists, i have only observed it in the short term. in myself, and others. intense for a while, but then it fades. it's a fact of biology. and then we experience guilt when marriage doesn't work out, because like being a witness again, we blame ourselves for the mess up (more fear and guilt anyone?), and would almost die defending the fact that we are unworthy screw ups, incapable of making this sacred institution of marriage work. when all we have to do is look around the world a little to see that marriage is a doctrine of denial.

for my part, this doctrine is shed. no more denial of pleasure, or the harboring of guilt for failure, or the fear of failure.

i will be involved romantically with women again, i cannot avoid it, but commitment is not something i am seeing on my horizon. they would have to accept that.

TS

tetrapod.sapien

Maybe if people didn't have sex before marriage they'd find out if they really loved the person inside the body.

heh. wow. sometimes i realize just how much i have changed since i left the WTS. Q, so, aparently to you, sex is just flesh rubbing flesh, and not a way to get inside the most intimate mental space of another person. well, yes, technically, sex is flesh rubbing flesh, but it is not something that *distracts* one from getting to know the other person. if anything it helps. which is why marriage sucks for so many who do wait, like witnesses and mormons, because you get that sacred piece of paper from the pastor, go back to the hotel room and discover that you really don't know this person whose flesh you are rubbing with yours. perhaps if more puritanical types had sex before marriage, they would avoid so many divorces, or years and years of living in denial, or abusive situations. TS

Marriage - Why bother?

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