1. I was born in a hospital in California where the second I was born they grabbed me by my little feet, held me upside down, and spanked my tiny wrinkled white butt for no reason at all and then finger printed my aching little feet like a common criminal. After spending a few days getting over that bit of a trauma they ripped me from my mommy's arms strapped my little legs to a cutting board and sliced up my little weenier with an excto knife. Life pretty much went down hill from there.
2. My favorite subject in school was detention. I liked anything that kept me away from my crazy family. We had nine kids in my family and I didn't particularly like any one of them especially during family bible studies. What started out as a bible lesson quickly turned into a reading lesson, lesson in bladder control, lesson in discipline, lesson on not laughing at the one getting disciplined, lesson on specific underlining techniques, lesson on ear cleaning hygiene, lesson on effective butt scratching techniques with a ball point pen, Lesson on making faces at your siblings and not getting caught, lessons on explaining the facial tick that was misunderstood as making a face and getting away with it with a big shit eating grin, lesson on nose picking, lesson on properly hiding the content of nose picking, lesson on reviving dead butt cheeks, and a lesson on love, hate, killing, life, death, fear, sex, evil, good, god, devil, and how to choose the right highlight marker to sniff that contained the highest level of xliene to get semi stoned with.
3. My mom joined the religion when I was 3 and I left it when I was 28. I sinned a lot in the in-between years but never got caught. With nine kids in the family it's easy to get lost in the crowd. Occasionally ratting on a less significant brother or sister also kept the heat off of me and helped me blend into the high pile green shag carpet. A three story turn of the century house helped also in the fact that my brother and I had the tiny rooms on the third floor. An article from the one and only Awake magazine that I ever read had an article on fire safety in your house and at the age of fifteen my step dad installed a fire escape rope from my room to the ground on the side of the house (ya, I know, stupid, wasn't he). Thank you Awake magazine writing staff!
4. I have no favorite color. Being a professional artist I like all colors and have no ill will toward any color. Except that boogery baby poop greenish yellow, I hate that color. It reminds me of the underside of the chair my brother used during our family bible studies.
5. I am single and have been divorced for about 15 years. I have three sons who are all miracles of life. Considering that my JW ex-wife and I only had sex six times when we were married each one of them are here by purely a miracle. The other three times gave birth to a new, car, new house, and her accidentally getting drunk at her sisters wedding. The sex wasn't great after that wedding because she kept snoring. At least I didn't have to ask her for the sixth time in our marriage if it was good for her too.
6. Because of my ex-wife and that union that no man should put asunder I have avoided marrr.....mar.....mmmaaa...mara...going through a weddi......wed........waaa....... hooking up legally. I like being alone and I save a lot of money on not having to go to therapy. I some times miss the naked stuff but I keep a picture of my ex-wife plastered to the door of my liquor cabinet as a constant reminder of not to drink and date. Don't get me wrong, she is a beautiful lady and looks great naked but she used that against me like I was a starving dog and she was a juicy stake being dangled in front of me to make me whine like a puppy and perform any little trick she desired. What she did to me was far beyond basic cruelty to animals.
7. I don't have any pets.
8. I play racquet ball and basket ball when ever I can and I won top athlete in the presidents physical fitness program as a senior in high school. But I couldn't play sports after school for reasons we are all familiar with. I could have been a contender, I could have been somebody. I could have had a shoe named after me instead of a friends stupid cat (long story bad ending).
9. My favorite TV shows are anything on the discovery science or civilization channels. I also like Everyone love's Raymond and Judging Amy. With an 18 year old son in the house the TV is usually on MTV or that stupid X-games station. I like movies but usually only see them once they hit cable. Most of my free time is spent working on my computer at home while a half dozen teen age girls are out in the back yard jumping on my son's trampoline. He got it so he could keep in shape for snow boarding season and I still can't figure out why he lets those girls come over and jump on it all the time. I don't even think any of them snow board. Dumb kid.
10. Sex. I think sex is stupid. Every thing about sex is stupid. Everyone keeps telling me that with the right woman sex is great. Iv had a lot of right women in my life and I still think it's stupid. Just watching people have sex looks stupid. I don't care what anyone says I will always think sex is stupid. Even if women came over to my house in Tigard Oregon right off the 252 exit on Interstate 5 and go down the hill, turn left through the big trees and then take your next right and then another right and came into the big gray house in the middle of the street and tried to force me into having great sex and seeing what great sex was like I'd still think it was stupid. Even if the two Australian ladies that made fun of me last week on a thread
flew up to Oregon on Qantas flight 372 leaving Sydney at 5:10 PM their time and arrives at 6:25 PM my time in Portland at international gate 37D and asked me to be waiting at the gate with flowers and then we could drive to the beach house which only takes two hours from Portland and get there just in time to watch the sunset from the big windows on the top floor and then had several drinks and they tried to get me drunk and take advantage of me while my hands are tied behind me and they had on those G-string leather things they teased me
about and they forced me to have sex with both of them at the same time, I'd still think it was stupid. I dare anyone (women only, sorry Jon) to prove me wrong.
