Need help forgiving myself.

cloud

Hi guys, I’m new here and I’m Christian (though trying to read the bible for what it is instead of looking to preacher all the time.) Anyway, I have a dilemma. I’m 26 right now. When I was in college back in the day, I was best friends with very nice girl. I fell deeply in love with her. Long story short, there was no sex, but we fooled around intimately. Nothing ever forceful, both consensual. Sometimes she’d feel guilty (as would I) but I’d still say it was probably ok. Deep down I knew it wasn’t in the eyes of God.

After graduation, we didn’t see each other much but we did talk on the phone as usual. We’d talk about the bible and scripture or joke around. Well one day she her mother called me. She told her mom about the things we did, because the guilt was driving her crazy. That day literally broke me into a million pieces as I got torn a new one by her mom. Besides fact I don’t think the mother may have not liked the fact I was another race, (though that is not for me to judge), I was never to see her ever again. I never called her again as I wasn’t allowed to, but I did see her a few times after and she had some tough biblical questions that I was thankfully able to help her solve. Even found a couple of Awake pamphlets that helped her out. She was very thankful and I hear has become quite a spiritual person. Last time I heard from her was about 3 years ago. I tried calling her again because I couldn’t help it. Well it didn’t go to well. She picked up the phone and said I shouldn’t have called, so I told her God Bless, and we said our good byes.

cloud

Well, now I just try to coexist with rest of the world, being a generally nice person, but underneath my politeness and smiles, I’m getting eating alive inside. I can’t even pray for myself anymore because I don’t think I deserve it, and it’s a real problem. I can’t talk about it to anyone because they probably think I was crazy, because they would say they have done much worse and laugh at me for being a 26 year old virgin. Because all this I don’t really go out unless it’s to work or go to any parties really (not really the dancing type and I don’t drink, LOL) And behind this all I believe that I am despicable beyond the point of redemption and I don’t how much more of it I can take. To make things worse, I recently saw she had a myspace account. Didn’t bother to contact her as I don’t want to mess up her life anymore but it really opened up the wounds even more so.

cloud

My question: How do you go about forgiving yourself? It would be essential for me to move on.

cloud

BTW sorry, I'm not sure how to work these forums very well so my posts got split up.

greendawn

I think you are too obsessed with the past as if you had committed an unforgivable crime, you should forget it and get on with life, such affairs happen all the time, so think about the future.

Narkissos

Welcome cloud,

You're not a Jehovah's Witness are you? -- I ask because this is mostly an ex-JW board, and you don't sound like one although your experience has much in common.

Let me just ask, didn't you ever find it strange that "God" could be that much obsessed about sex?

katiekitten

I can’t even pray for myself anymore because I don’t think I deserve it,

Well thats really sad, because if Jesus had met you probably the first thing he would have done after reading your heart would be to tell you that you were forgiven. He didnt want anyone to feel so eaten up with guilt that that gave up hope. What would the point of that be?

King Solomon didnt feel as bad as you, and he slept with (WAY more than just fool around with) over 1000 women - 300 wives and 700 concubines. Jehovah managed to forgive him on a daily basis.

The fact that you are feeling so bad says your heart is in the right place. But you will damage yourself if you continue to let the guilt eat you up. You now have to ask Jehovah for forgiveness, then TRUST that he sent Jesus for that very purpose. If you contunue to feel guilty then you are rejecting the ransom sacrifice.

Please begin to feel better and heal soon.

Dr Jekyll

Cloud,

Jesus gave up his life so that you might be forgiven. He died a really horrible death so that you could be forgiven. Now if he's made such a big sacrifice for you don't you think you should bloody well use it. He did it for you. For you to forgive yourself. Now forgive yourself in his name and move on.

By not forgiving yourself you are rejecting his gift to mankind and that's probably worse than the original sin you committed.

collegegirl21

Cloud,
I think you are beating yourself up too much for this. We all make mistakes, which this doesn't seem like its that huge. But hon, you just need to let it go. If you feel the need to pray - pray - God will forgive you. Just give it time and hopefully you will be able to forget it.

Sunnygal41

(((Cloud))) I used to feel the same way you did, as my exhusband and I messed around quite a bit before we got married and even lied to the elder who gave our wedding talk, because we just could not endure the embarrassment of revealing we'd committed fornication. So, even after I got married I was a mess, and finally, I persuaded my husband to come clean with the elders. I wish I hadn't. I wish I knew then what I know now. What would that be? That my feelings and reactions were totally normal. That the JW cult is like many fundamentalist Christian religions that use guilt to control you. One thing you have to keep in mind that you are well aware of: your coming together was consensual. Bottom line. So, now, what to do? Get some therapy to help you move on and forgive yourself and let this relationship go. Put any type of relationship involvement on hold and get yourself well, emotionally. I am giving you advice that I paid alot of money to receive from therapists, and learned through lots of heartache and pain. Just because you feel like you did the unforgiveable, with time and therapy you will see and realize that things happen in life, we have lots of interesting experiences. Learn and grow from them. Don't get stuck in beating yourself up.........think: what does remaining miserable do to make the situation better? Nothing. It's over and done with, it's in the past. Nothing you do now can change that. Just work on bettering yourself from here on out. Vow to yourself to live life happy and joyful and at peace with yourself as a normal, fleshly, imperfect human being.

Terri

Need help forgiving myself.

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