Hello all.
I post here under a different name but feel the need to unburden myself anonymously. I hope you can understand.
Several years ago, while married and an active dub, I had a one night stand. I was mortified at what I had done because this had happened before and I had told my wife. I knew in my heart that if I said anything, my marriage was over-as it should have been. I struggled with a way out and ran through all the possible consequences again and again. I could not bear to put my wife and children through the pain of a divorce and the public knowledge that is a given inside the borg. All would know again of my errors. My wife had struggled to put the pieces back together after the last time, and I did not want to put her through that again. I sank deeper and deeper into depression until 5 days later I chose to end it all.
I felt there was noone to turn to because anyone I talked to would only understand that they had to "Not share with me in my sins." I would not even have the chance to get it out on my own before I would be receiving a call from the brothers. I had been Df'd before and did not want to deal with that again. My mind was racing and I decided(wrongly) that the only way out was to kill myself. I got up in the morning as usual, kissed my wife and kids goodbye-several times and headed on my way to work. I stopped and had breakfast as was my regular routine on this day and then drove to work. On the way, I got to the point where I knew I had to either keep going or turn the wheel. I shut my eyes, (coward) stepped on the gas and cranked the wheel. (I am almost in tears thinking about this. The emotions it brings back are killing me as I write.) Somehow, I missed the concrete bridge abutment. I clipped it with one wheel and ended up flying through he air for over 100 ft and crashed into the ground. I woke up with my head hanging down in my lap and barely able to breathe. Blood was dripping down my face and into my lap from the huge gash in my scalp where it was laid open. I could barely move and listened as 2 men asked each other if I was still alive. Shortly there after the paramedics arrived and got me to the hospital. I was in agony from my injuries.
At that point, all I wanted to do was go home. I never said a word about what I had done. I only said that I couldn't remember anything except a big whump. My wife asked if I had tried to suicide myself. I lied and said no. The only thing I could ever say was that maybe I had gotten a flat tire.
The next several days were very uncomfortable. I was nauseated and would not eat. I only drank enough water to swallow pain pills. I was trying to starve myself. I did not want to live. I also knew that I could not ever say anything about what had happened. I was miserable. Eventually I started to eat again and got through my self imposed ordeal. I finally came to terms with my mistakes and moved on. My wife and I are still together and our marriage is better than ever.
I have no doubt that many of you are already thinking that she should know. I agree. She should be given the choice. I am not man enough to do that. I cannot drop my personal failings on her to salve my own consciece. I guess I feel that if there is a god and I am living a good life, that he is the only one who decides whether or not I am worthy of life. My wife is an exceptional woman and i could not bear to put her through that kind of pain again. We seem to finally have come to terms from all the pain I caused 11 yrs ago-why dredge it all up again with my failings.
What I did was wrong. How I tried to deal with it was wrong. I am eternally grateful at this point that I failed. But having gone through the experience myself, I can understand the twisted reasoning that gets a person to that point. Unless you personally have been there, you would not un derstand howa person could do this. Most of the reasoning involves the thought that if I am dead, that is easier to get over then if I am a failure in my children's and wife's eyes. They would handle my death easier than dealing with pain caused by my being a constant reminder of the fact that we are divorced.
I am now a faded dub. This experience pushed me fully into the fading process. I had had doubts about things for years, but this pushed me all the way over. I could never get over a religion that had me so scared of the consequences of my actions that I had to kill myself to avoid that pain. I realized that a loving god would not act that way, nor would he ever condone an organization that would push people to these extremes. I am through with the guilt for not doing all that I can in the "service of the lord". I am happier than I have ever been and will not trade what i now have for anything. My wife is still a dub, but our marriage is better than before. I hope someday to have her with me on this forum, that is why I am making a one and only post under this name.
Thus the name Regrets. I regret the mistakes that I made, but I do not regret the results of those mistakes. I am now free to live a normal life away from the BS that is the "Truth".
Thank you for reading this , and yes, I do expect many negative responses for my cowardice and the fact that I am hiding my infidelity. We all have reasons for what we do, I only hope that none of you have to face yourselves in the mirror and make the same choices and face the same circumstances that I did. When you have done this, let me know. I can live with myself for my choices. I would never judge anyone for similar or different decisions.
Thank you for your time,
Regrets