Suicide (page 4)

Open mind

Regrets:

Thank you for having the courage to share so much with us. I wish you peace and happiness.

Everyone else:

What a treasure you all are. I can't even begin to fully express how much gratitude I have for this place.

Open Mind

too bad we cannot all be together as if it were a summer assembly. Only that gathering would be a positive experience for all, not a guiltfest designed to control you
Well come to Pennsylvania Oct 19 Blue Mountains.... Its Magnificent !!!!MUCH better than any gathering you have ever been too I would bet on it

greendawn

I am glad you didn't succeed, but it shows what the JW mentality can do. Even if what you did was wrong you didn't have to commit suicide as if your wife knew about it, you just wouldn't do it again.

Madame Quixote

I hope in some way some of you have received as much benefit from my post as I have from all of yours.

You have said some very, very important things regarding suicide, guilt and love that many here relate to. From my experience, feeling suicidal is one of the worst of human emotions. I am glad that you are getting better and are okay now.

I'm also glad to hear that you did not heed your craving to confess the infidelity to your wife. I am sure she would feel devastated and it would badly affect the whole family. Some things are best left alone.

But it is good to talk about some things in the right place and time, as you have done. Much hope, happiness and healing to you and your family.

Mrs Smith

Trying to live a decent life IMHO is the only thing that is pleasing to god. If I am wrong, then so be it. I made my bed, I will accept the crumbs that go with it.

Jesus died for sinners, if you confess your sins to Him and ask for forgivness it's yours for the taking. God does not expect you to go on punishing yourself because of your mistakes. Go on and have a great life that is lived to the fullest. You sound like too much of great person to accept crumbs! Get new sheets on that bed and stop punishing yourself!

nvrgnbk

TO ALL WHO EVER CONTEMPLATED IT AND DIDN'T DO IT, INCLUDING MYSELF, I'M GLAD WE'RE ALL STILL HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT AND GIVE EACH OTHER OUR LOVE!

Gordy

To all those who have posted on their feelings for others. You don't know how good it is to hear your comments not only to "Regrets" but to many of us who have been through similar things.

I attempted suicide in April 1996. Not over infidelity. Firstly through the pressure of being a JW, wanting out of it, the doubts having mounted over the years. Secondly because of debts, had a large family to keep, and a low wage coming in. You know the kind of thing.

If it had been one or the other I probably would have coped. But the worry of the debts and keeping up the appearance of being a "good little JW" also I was a Min Servant. I saw no way out but to end it all. Its hard to describe in words the feeling of intense depression. I was later diagnosed as having "acute clinical depression" and probably had it for years beforehand.

I won't go in to how and where but the suicide attempt failed ..... obviously.

But it was the aftermath that got to me...a wonder that I didn't try again.

I spent time in psychiatric hospital .... wonderful staff ...their concern and care was first rate.

But what I got from the JW's was total lack of love and support. Judicial commttee...reproved.

Wife eventually told me to leave home ...Elders had decided that I was a "spiritual danger" to the family. That was ten years ago.

It led eventually to me looking into the Watchtower. Finding this forum and Freeminds ...and others.

I DA'd in 2001 which since then my JW wife and two JW daughters have not spoken to me.

Though two of my other children also DA'd, 3 did not become JW's, two of who live me.

Things are OK at the moment.

But I tell you all this forum has been one of the best things through the years. Even though I have not met most of you, though I met a few in Manchester last October, the support given to me and others as we have come out of the Watchtower has been marvellous. Realising that there are other all over the world who have gone through similar or even worse at the hands of the WT . You find are not alone.

Lady Lee

This whole issue of suicidal thoughts and attempts is important. When my sister commited suicide in Nov 2005 I was naturally upset. I had a doctor's visit a couple of days later and we discussed it.

Then she went through the list of indicators that I might follow her footsteps. I knew what she was doing and was happy she picked up on it. But I reassured her that is no longer an issue for me.

When I did make plans for it back in the early 80s I was living with an abusive husband/elder. I was living in a high control religion that enslaved me and made my problems worse. I truly believed there was no other way out.

Feeling trapped and believing you have no control over your life leads to desperation and desperate choices.

One thing I learned from all that is that there are always choices. Others may try to convince us there are no choices or that the choices are all bad. But that doesn't mean they are right.

There are always other choices. We just need to have the courage to take them regardless of the imposition of others who do not really have our best interests at heart. That is a very hard thing to do. The WTS, the elders, our friends, our family all tell us they know what is best and love us. But the WTS' form of love is so twisted and opposite of the love that Christ showed. His command was to love not only your friends but your enemies, the fallen, the homeless, the widows and the orphans. Be the Good Samaritan. Welcome the Prodigal son home - without a long list of criteria he has to meet.

As much as I hate the daily pain I experience I try to find the good in life.

In my building there is a young man who is struggling with a relatively new disabity. He is paralized from the waist down. He feels so trapped in his life, in his body. He misses the life he had dreampt of. It is gone. So he is mourning his losses and having a hard time seeing the positives.

He has a manual wheelchair so getting out is difficult for him. Yesterday I lent him my wheelchair and I took the scooter and we went for a ride along the bike path and the river. It was absolutely wonderful to see the look on his face as he breezed down the path. When we had gone a fair way we stopped and talked and watched the kayakers and the cyclists, the roller-bladrers, the walkers and the joggers go by.

He told me how it is hard to watch the joggers go by. He had an active life and played many sports. He misses that. This wasn't his dream. We talked about my cycling and how I miss that but I can't allow that to be my focus. I have a new perspective and it is closer to the ground. I can chose to be miserable and go to that bad place in my head and allow myself to feel trapped or I can find the pleasure in other things. I tapped my pocket and said I take my camera everywhere I go. Simple pleasures.

On our way back I spotted a gopher hole. I had earlier told him about the gophers all around the path. So I spotted the hole and showed it to him. His comment was "Wow. You see so much, all the little things".

I am hoping he will find a way to get a power chair so he can get out and feel less trapped in his body and his apartment. I am encouraging him to try and pointed him in the right direction to get a power chair.

Feeling trapped regardless of the situation is the worst thing.

I spent the first 35 years of my life living with thoughts of suicide (OK maybe not the first 7 years but certainly from then on).

I refuse, absolutely refuse, to go back to that place. Even in the worst of my pain I still know it will ease up a bit in a while. And if it didn't there are stronger medications I could use (hope I never get to that point though).

Freedom takes many forms. Sometimes it exacts a price. But we can still choose to make the most, find a new and different perspective. And we can't afford to let fear get in the way. Fear can be treacherous. Sometimes we need to pay attention to what fear tells us. But other times we need to go beyond the fear; around it, over or under it or even through it.

Believe me. It is worth it

anewme

"It is a far far better thing I do than I have ever done before" (Tale of Two Cities---C.Dickens)

Regret, you are far more courageous to keep your secrets and take them with you to the grave than to unburden yourself again and cause undue pain a suffering in the hearts of your wife and children.

You need to forgive yourself..... and you need to forgive all humanity....for being human. We all make mistakes. All of us.
But we are given this heart and conscience and memory and reasoning power and pain for a reason....to learn from our mistakes.

"A young man's heart is full of folly" (think that is a scripture)
We were all young once. We are all still young relatively. It takes years and years and many mistakes to learn the important lessons of sweet life.

You have made the right choice...for family. You will now enjoy the sweet strains of family happiness and joy as the years roll by. Never doubt for a moment that forgiving yourself and moving on was a poor choice.
Forgiveness is never a wrong choice. It is a healing loving choice that brings unexpected rewards.

Congratulations that you have made it to this brighter day from those dark miserable days of ignorance enslaved mentally to a small mean unloving unforgiving organization who taught you that it is better to be dead than to seek forgiveness or forgive an error.

Jesus talked a lot about forgiveness. He said, "which is easier, to say get up and walk, or your sins are forgiven?" "Go and sin no more" "I want to, be made clean" "Come be my follower"....
Jesus was all about forgiveness and mercy.

Your life will be much sweeter and richer now that you have learned a great lesson in forgiveness and mercy.

Thankyou for posting this heartfelt story. We are all the better for reading it.
Best wishes to you and your family,

Anewme

aquagirl

what a nice bunch of folks.....im so glad that i found this site...

Suicide