I just don't understand (page 5)

ttc99wilson

I just got off the phone with her and she read my email, but she still wants out. I asked again if there was someone else (she said NO!) I asked if it was being a wife and mom and she got overwhelmed. She said it was a lot of little things that built up and she just doesn't want to be married anymore. So thank you all for your advice I guess going forward is to go ahead with the divorce. I know I tried everything I could but she is leaving anyway.

nvrgnbk

You probably feel like you want to die.

It'll get better.

jgnat

I'll assume that's a manly hug, nvrgbk.

Here's a grandmotherly hug.

Keep in mind, ttc, the conversations are not over. I don't think she's figured that out yet. There's custody to consider, visitation, raising the boys, dozens and dozens of things to talk through.

Edited to add one of my favorite links: http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/publicat/mh-sm/divorce/toc_e.html

nvrgnbk

I'll assume that's a manly hug, nvrgbk.

LOL! You assume correctly, jgnat.

BlackSwan of Memphis

wow, she has really made up her mind.

I can't imagine how much your heart is breaking, and that just really sucks.

You will get through this though.

I really hope that you stick around and hang out. Have a cup of coffee...

welcome btw

DJK

You tried! Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again. Move on.

I had a hard time understanding how someone could fall out of love when I was going through a divorce from my first wife. I tried to hold her to me until I caught her cheating on me the sixth time. A fool I was after the first time. Don't concern yourself with what she may be doing, it hurts more to know the truth. If she says it's the end, accept it. (Jehovah doesn't even know how hard that is)

I'm in a third marraige and I understand the falling out of love thing well now. This time, I'm not the victim!

DJK (Soon to be in the PERMANENTLY single class)

ex-nj-jw

I don't blame her for not wanting to talk to the "witnesses" or the "elders". They have no business in anyones personal life especially when it comes to marraige and children. These people have no counseling skills.

Keep waiting on Jehovah if you want, you will one day realize that he doesn't exist! Submissive wife? That would be enough to piss me off!

nj

Lady Liberty

Dear ttc99wilson,

First of all "welcome" to the forum! Second..(((HUGS!!!)))

Heres one line of thought:

Has she ever expressed any doubt to you regarding the organization? If she has, then before you get too set that she is cheating on you...maybe just maybe she is not cheating at all, but is spending her time researching the organization. I know that when you have questions that need answers, you spend much time researching to try and find them. Have you been open to her researching the organization? If not perhaps she is finding another place to do this. Wether she is cheating or not, I am truely sorry that you are going throught this most uncertain time. I know you don't know me from Adam, but please take a few minutes to read this, it is my experience and something simular may have happened to your wife: http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/109978/1.ashx

The reason for the above story, is that many times when one mate decides to stay with the organization and the other doesn't, they may feel it is uselessto try and go on two different paths, and may feel there is no way to share their findings with their mate. This can be especially true if one mate has tried to talk about their questions and arguements have insued because of it. When I was researching the organization, it was all consuming, and I spent many many hours on the computer and in libraries trying to get answers. I had to be very careful in how I approached my husband with my findings, as I knew if I wasn't, we could end up divorced over it. Maybe she doesn't want her freedom and independance from you, but from the organization. Maybe she is at someones home that is helping her get answers, if she in fact does have questions.

Have you asked her what she is doing? Where she goes? It is my sincere hope that she is not cheating on you. Either way..we are here for you!! You have our support during this difficult time. We are glad you are here and hope you stick around.

Sincerely,

Lady Liberty

RAF

Understanding (in a relationship) is not equale to knowing everything about what is going on sometimes it's blur even for the one who is acting also there are some things which are not worthy to be known (more over if it can only hurt).
I don't think you really need to have more answers than what you already know by now (she's over with your marriage - that doesn't mean that you can't built a real valuable friendly relationship).
In this matter understanding is more about acceptance, wanting the other one to be happy (even without you) can actually make you happy (and in this case free too to rebuilt your life) ...
What's more important is what you will always have to share together : "your kids" so it's all about feeling good about your hability to deal in the best way together and friendly also for them (out of any religious rules - but true love for them).

AudeSapere

{Quite a few interruptions at work while I'm trying to respond so this post may be further down in the thread than I wanted. Apologies if that is the case.}

First of all, WELCOME TO JWD. I'm really glad to greet you as a new poster here. This really is a great site providing so much reallife experience, insight and support. If you ask direct questions, you will get direct answers and if you want suggestions, you will get plenty of them, too. Just look at all the respectful responses you got to this thread in a very short period of time.

Couple of my own thoughts (I'm glad I read the entire thread before posting):

ttc99 wrote: I just got off the phone with her and she read my email, but she still wants out.

Please. The woman is in turmoil to the point of leaving her young children and her marriage. This is not something that can be undone with one phone call and a few emails from ANYone. I will guess that the emails and phone conversations were directly imploring her to come home without really knowing and truly understanding what the core problem is. Sounds like she is in crisis and having trouble identifying for herself what's really wrong. Or maybe she has but she is afraid to say it out loud.

ttc99 wrote: In a nut shell, I was very sincere and apologized for being spiritual and asked her to work things out with a neutral counsler.

"I...appologized for being spiritual..." Ummm I don't know how to respond to this comment/phrase...

Maybe I'm stumped because many years ago I realized that 'acting' spiritual is so completely different from 'being' spiritual. There are many people in the organization who appear to be highly spiritual but who, in actuality, just behaving that way. In many instances, it seemed to me that the less they actually felt, the more they performed in an effort to compensate. (I hope that made sense.) From there, I thought for myself what does 'sprirituality' really mean. To me, it is the spirit that resides in each of us. It's our own motivating force. When we are truly connected with Jehovah, God, the cosmos, the universe, humanity (whatever you decide is the driving life force) then 'spirituality' is a natural reflection of that force.

Sometimes the reliance on others to make our decisions and tell us what to do is the lazy or irresponsible way out. We effectively give to someone or something else (body of elders) responsibility for things which are actually our own personal responsibility: making our own life decisions.

If we increase our works, our ministry, our outward appearances we are short-cutting the process of true spirituality - that which radiates from within.

From my humble view of spirituality, it would seem that your statement 'I apologized for being spiritual' is tangled. I don't think you are truly spiritual in your actions. I think you are panicing and trying to compensate with increased activity and reliance on untrained counselors to make up for what is actually lacking in yourself, your marriage and your family.

Please understand, I am not putting down your elder body. My own father was presiding overseer for many, many years. I did not know who in the cong he was assisting or what the nature of their circumstances were, but I do know that he himself agonized on what to do to counsel them. He was painfully aware that he was not really qualified to guide them. My dad did quietly take secular a few secular classes to improve his understanding of people and the tasks he was assigned. But he was the exception in this regard. He also threatened us if we were to ever tell anyone - especially another elder - that he was looking outside the organization for this knowledge.

"asked her to work things out with a neutral counsler". Oh!! I'm so glad you offered this and I hope you are sincere. You BOTH will benefit from the time spent here. My one immediate suggestion is to start with simple goals: Finding a way for the two of you to get along well enough to each continue being a part of your young children's lives. Reconciling - if it happens at all - will not happen in one or two 50-minute sessions. Start with more easily attainable goals and build from there.

Please come back and post again. I promise, you will find support for helping to strengthen your family and provide loving, balanced support for your children and their mother - whether the marriage is dissolved or restores.

Sorry again if my thoughts are somewhat choppy. Busy Monday, you know??!~!

-Aude Sapere (a latin term meaning: Dare to Know; Dare to Have Wisdom/Understanding.)

I just don't understand

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