To continue fading or stop the madness!!!

by OnTheWayOut 54 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  PoppyR

  I have always enjoyed your posts, and especially this one, it typifies what so many of us 'faders' have gone through and will go through.

  Like you I feel I have almost completed a succesful fade, and although I still 'have' my family in the sense they still speak to me, they are very distant from me and sometimes I wonder why I bothered. As a small example, I have just started thinking about Christmas again and reality is I'm never going to be able to put up lights openly. And that's just a small point.

  BUT, I still feel it was the right thing for me, contact with my family is important to me, and I dont give up hope that someone will join me one day, and me being available to talk to will make that easier.

  Poppy
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  PoppyR, strength comes from others like you who help by confirming their efforts and feelings
  of similar griefs and joy.

  worldtraveler, great that you never were in the cult.
• 

  SnakesInTheTower

  OTWO...

  My fade is calculated and very successful as far as avoiding a judicial committee for apostacy

  yep, that is the way my fade is calculated. I have not been to a meeting since the DC about 3 weeks ago. I have gone a month before but then end up back at a Sunday meeting.

  This time though, NO phone calls from any elder..... I wonder if I dont turn in a service report for August if I will get a call? (If I do, I will give them my phantom report). Such love.

  Thankfully I did NOT get married...which I would have been by now if she had not broken it off (for reasons really known to her I think), so I don't have that to worry about. I only have my mom and a couple of cousins IN...it is for my mom and close friends that I maintain the fade, much to the dismay of some posters here who are very JW-judgmental in their opinions of my fading. Otherwise .... I would "stop the madness!"

  Continued success in your fade. I appreciate your advice and experiences here on the board. PM me anytime.

  Snakes (...)
• 

  willyloman

  The "to fade or not to fade" argument has been ongoing here for years. It doesn't work for everyone. I faded "successfully" but everyone's circumstances are unique. Initially, I was a big fan of the fade, thinking that to DA was "living by their rules." However, I have a grown daughter who DA'd and I helped her write the (very short) letter. Her circumstances were different, a fade was impractical, the DA stopped the harrassment she was getting. It worked out really well for her.

  No one can tell you which course is best, or how to run that course.

  But I do know this: If you are true to yourself, if you answer your conscience when it calls, your journey will be blessed. Be honest with your wife. Be honest with yourself. And then be who you are. The key, in my opinion, is the be authentic - and then your journey will be authentic and it will work for you. You may have to think long and hard about what that means. It means something different to everyone.

  I wish you well in this.
• 

  garybuss

  I had to start telling the truth because I'm such a lousy liar. Plus lying takes a good memory which I believe mine might be slipping a bit. I'm a poker player and I always call a bluff. So if somebody threatens me, I'll see if they're bluffing. If they're bluffing, I dismiss them. If they follow through on the threat, I dismiss them:-)
  
  I like being comfortable and I can't be comfortable walking on egg shells. Maybe some people can . . . I can't. And I can't be comfortable around emotionally unsafe people. Perception is reality. It's the only reality I can experience, so if I feel fear because I feel my wife or my mother might shun me if she knew me, that's uncomfortable for me.
  
  I hurt my shoulder and I put off going to the doctor because I knew the treatment and the psychical therapy was going to hurt me worse than the untreated injury. So I put it off, and the shoulder froze up. Now, by waiting, the treatment was much worse because the problem had gotten bigger. I had to be put under and have a shoulder rotation and then a month of painful physical therapy under the watchful eye of a therapist.
  
  I'd have been much better off if I had gone right in and got a cortisone shot and started right in with physical therapy.
  
  It wasn't me leaving the Witnesses that was hard on my marriage and my family, it was my dishonesty and my desire to avoid pain by avoiding the grieving and healing process. Recovery for me only came after acknowledgement. Acknowledgement only came after acceptance, and acceptance only came after honesty. I couldn't be honest while I was trying to fool people.
  
  People who haven't been enmeshed in high control groups like we have don't relate to us very well. We try to protect those we'd hurt by leaving the group and that's the fundamental retention plan of a high control group. They train us to do that and they bank on us staying in compliance. Many of us will comply by at least staying silent. I was not one of the silent ones. Maybe I should have been.
  
  I don't recommend my way for everybody. I decided to blow up my own world and rebuild with what was left. What I have ended up with is much better than it ever was before. Not one person shunned me that I didn't expect would shun me. No one has ruined my life by shunning me. It was a bit like the shoulder rotation at first though. There was a painful time and there was a recovery time. I'd do it different today.
  
  This is really not a do it yourself project. I still advocate to mitigate damage, not burn any bridges, get therapy, go slow, try to get resolution without the blow ups. I mean, I can always go dynamite the bridge. Nothing's lost by waiting. I wouldn't pull the switch without spending at least one solid year in weekly therapy.
  
  I still don't think it's a religion problem AT ALL.
  
  
• 

  changeling

  My husband and I faded fast as well. Quit FS cold turkey and dwindled our meeting attendance down to none in the span of 8 months. We have close relatives "in" including children for whose sake we will not DA.

  I no longer consider myself "fading". I have "faded", past sense, done, finito. Sure, I can't put up an Xmas tree or join a polical party but life is good. I have my family and I have my personal integrity, that's nothing to sneeze at.

  You are going to through a "bad patch", you are focusing on the negative. Change your perspective and soon you'll feel much better. Hang in there, it's worth it.

  changeling
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  Snakes, your mom is enough reason to choose a certain way out, the cousins also. Expect to lose your friends
  in the JW's somewhere along your fade. Still, I could be wrong. There's nothing wrong with trying. My friends are
  really the wife's friends, elders, and long-distance friends. The wife's friends are hanging on, but might change
  their minds, I broke off with the elder friends (beat them to the punch, but we weren't really buddy buddy), and
  my best friend is long distance- he is calling few and far between because he wants to be a totally indoctrinated
  dub. Maybe it will be different for you. Singles might fare better at staying friends with weak JW's.

  Willyloman, thanks for good advice: Be honest with your wife. Be honest with yourself. And then be who you are.

  Garybuss, we had many PM's toward the end of last year into this year. You were never pushy, but you knew I
  was ready to leave the meetings and was afraid my wife would turn me in. You were helpful with "solve the
  marriage problem" advice. I braced my wife well for my changes then made them. She isn't thrilled with my
  independent thinking, but she knows I love her, and she is a little more sure that I don't want to run off
  cheating, smoking, gambling, drinking til I fall down. Did I ever thank you, Gary, for such fine advice? Well,
  thanks for that and for this new advice: "I can always go dynamite the bridge. Nothing's lost by waiting. I wouldn't
  pull the switch without spending at least one solid year in weekly therapy."

  I am not in the therapy, but I can still do that when I am ready.

  Also, as a fader with family in, I can't let go of my JWD fix. Many others are in that situation. I would like to taper
  off, and I will soon. I took a few breaks here and there, and I loved them, but I loved coming back. It's like a great
  vacation. No matter how much fun it is, it's good to come home.

  Thanks all. I will keep responding to advice if you keep sending it.
• 

  SnakesInTheTower

  OTWO:

  I would like to taper off, and I will soon. I took a few breaks here and there, and I loved them, but I loved coming back. It's like a great vacation. No matter how much fun it is, it's good to come home.

  yep, I go through phases...right now I check in several times a day. But this place is good therapy for me. Gives me a chance to talk to real people about non-Jw things.... the werewolf thread looks like a lot of fun and I will join in the next round.

  I PM a few here and have enjoyed knowing more of the background of some. I cannot wait to meet some here in person.... I hope to get to TX at the end of the year for the 'Fest...but we will see what work is like.

  Hope you hang around some OTWO.....but there is a life out there...hope you get to enjoy it with your family intact, preferably out of the Borg.

  Snakes (...)
• 

  Shawn10538

  If you are not going to write that brilliant idea for a book, I might want to finish it for you. Give me a call so we can talk about it. I'm working on another book right now, but I would love to be a part of that one too! (removed)
  
  Shawn
  
  
  PM Shawn for phone number if interested, number removed for his identity protection.
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  Shawn, I retain my chapter on what "TRUTH" is. I may publish the chapter on a web forum
  one day. I release the lifestories back to the originators without any claim to them, and I
  promised total anonymity. They would have to seek you out, based on your call out. I
  will not say who they are, or ask them to offer their stories to someone else. They understood
  that their anonymity would never be violated. I had about 7 stories from faders who had
  varied success and varied methods. I found them by pursuing them on JWD from reading their
  posts and asking if they would participate. I am sure you could do the same.

  I have more, but I cannot print or release it with a clear conscience. I am afraid that I may
  duly influence some to believe that they can have a successful fade, when they might not.
  Virtually everything I wrote came from ideas that can be found in a good search on your own.
  There was the idea of how to claim "depression" and how to talk to family and friends without
  tipping them off. There was discussion of physical illness or work overtime demands. The
  ideas of moving from a current cong, and getting lost in the shuffle were presented.
  I am not minimizing the effort, but you can write that stuff on your own.

  While I don't have any legal claim to the idea, anyway, I would be glad to release any further
  idea of it being "my idea" and say to anyone out there, "Run with it yourself." I even dismiss
  claim on the title I was going to use. "Fading from the Truth" is kinda generic so the first person
  to print it could claim it for their own.

  Good luck with that.