To continue fading or stop the madness!!! (page 5)

OnTheWayOut

Nvr, just to be clear, I attend no meetings and am totally inactive. The only difference between me and
a DA'ed person is that I can be invited to social things. I went to a wedding recently, but otherwise I
don't even respond to the invites. They will eventually dry up and go away. So, "Leave already" is not
an issue. I left. The fade from the congregation activity is complete, but a successful fade is also
maintaining the inactive JW status.

Martian, your question- "Am I missing something?" I think I have said what is missing. I am not free to
do the things that WTS says I must not do, at least openly. I cannot openly participate in any holidays.
I know you will say that I can, but all they need is a reason to DF me. You know, I said I would answer
each person, and I did. I don't want a debate on things like your statement: "All you have to say is that
you're not interested anymore- and no problems will arise!" You must get a laugh out of saying things
like that, or else it is sad that you really believe such crap.

the dreamer dreaming

we, me and my now ex, did the fade... it lasted a full year before they started hounding us... .apparently they could not accept a not in nor out on their records and want us to chose.

in the end they crossed some lines, made my ex upset, I called them and told them --I cannot believe a god of love trust and mercy can have people like you representing him...

they told me that I would have to either put it in writing or appear before two elders to officially DA... I said fine.

My father in law spoke to the CO and he told the elders to back off... we thought we could continue the fade... but the elders took it upon themselves to tell the congregation that I had officially DA'd even though I had not according to their terms done any such thing.... they let my ex continue her fade, which allowed her access to her family, the only thing we really cared about anyway, so we did not fight it...I could not go to family gatherings any more, but she still could. They assumed I was the bad influence and now that I was out of the picture they left her alone... worked out great actually...

eventually her brother and family escaped too.

theMartian

Every group does the same thing (Israel, Apostles, Early Congregations) it seems like we just HAVE to insert our "2 cents" - and mix it with scripture!

It's maddening- but it's being "human"!

A Psalm says "Every man is a liar- let God be found True!"

theMartian

I'm starting to see that- based on your experiences. I guess I never had that problem- they just want to get rid of ME, sometimes- for speaking out! But the love I have for the friends, their love for me- and the scriptures I wield like a Ninja- all prevent them, when it happens (3 times in the last 20 years!)...and, of course, there is the Holy Spirit!

It is VERY sad to hear what happened to some of you! The key is to "Keep your eyes on the things ABOVE- NOT on the things below!" (Paul somewheres!)

nvrgnbk

Nvr, just to be clear, I attend no meetings and am totally inactive. The only difference between me and
a DA'ed person is that I can be invited to social things. I went to a wedding recently, but otherwise I
don't even respond to the invites. They will eventually dry up and go away. So, "Leave already" is not
an issue. I left. The fade from the congregation activity is complete, but a successful fade is also
maintaining the inactive JW status.

I'm impressed!

Good for you, OTWO!

I too opted againt DA in the end.

theMartian

"Martian, your question- "Am I missing something?" I think I have said what is missing. I am not free to
do the things that WTS says I must not do, at least openly. I cannot openly participate in any holidays.
I know you will say that I can, but all they need is a reason to DF me. You know, I said I would answer
each person, and I did. I don't want a debate on things like your statement: "All you have to say is that
you're not interested anymore- and no problems will arise!" You must get a laugh out of saying things
like that, or else it is sad that you really believe such crap."

Mad replies: I base it on the number of fades I HAVE seen- including one of my sons! I guess it depends on the spirit of the congregation you go to! Buuuuuuuuuuuuut- do you WANT to celebrate the phony holidays now??? At least ONE thing you've gained is an Incredible insight to the deception of Organized Religion- even if you think ours is a part of it!

sass_my_frass

Hmmmmmmmm.

Are you able to stop thinking of it as a formal process that just hasn't been properly documented yet? This isn't A Big Thing. Everything from now on is just going to be about your wife and your mother. You know that you have no emotional connection to the organisation and you want to start living life with the intellectual freedom of somebody who no longer considers himself a part of it. From this point on, it's a matter of you being able to convince your wife that this is nobody elses business, and to anchor your relationship with her on something stronger than the three-cord rope.

She needs a lot of time; a LOT of time, to process this. Keep going slowly, slowly. Stop thinking about The Fade. Just start doing other stuff, and involve her. Get some new outdoors hobbies that over time will demand big changes in the way that you live your lives - start with the occasional weekend away and evening walk. Change the household duties schedule to shake her routine up. Start talking about other big plans; a career change, or house renos, or saving for a massive around the world trip. Something really big and exciting that will take a couple of years to make happen.

You have already committed to a long-term plan, but make it something positive, warm and enjoyable, and not confronting to her and maddening for you. Just live better than you are used to.

I think about you and her a lot. She seems like a top chick. You must really love her, and that means she's one in a million. Don't ever stop telling her.

sass_my_frass

Also, if you ever have The Talk, bear in mind that a less-than-ideal-but-likely scenario is that you will both have to agree to compromise; she accepts your position and you accept hers. The way to make that work without it turning to acid would be to agree to support each other - you support her decision to go to meetings and believe whatever she wants, take the pressure off her getting-ready times, don't get in the way or be a pain when she's planning assembly attendance, don't be destructive of her faith when she wants to talk about it etc. In return, she lets you talk about the new things you're learning, have new friends and have them over, or whatever it is that you do that you didn't do as a witness.

If in the end you are both able to talk about whatever you want without fear of recrimination, it will be a compromise you'll both be able to live with.

choosing life

OTWO,

Fading is emotioally exhausting. It is a crazy in between land. Yes, you may keep your family, but no you have not escaped fully the control of the cult. And the hardest part is you know this kind of situation should not even exist.

As I started fading, I reread 1984. It was surreal that a book written in 1949 could so mirror what I was experiencing. Winston, the main character in the book, knew he would get caught eventually, but the intense desire for some small part of real life drove him to take risks. I think this is what you are feeling.

Did you think you could ever be guilty of a thought crime? I know I sure didn't. I was not raised as a witness and I knew I had a right to my own thoughts and opinions. The real problem is that I got involved in the first place and raised my kids in this mess. That was the mistake, not the fact that I quit when I was kicked in the head and woke up.

I wish you the best as a fellow "fader". My Dfd son thinks that is a hilarious term. He even calls me that at times. He spent 10 years thinking he and his children were slated for destruction at God's hand with horrible nightmares. PTSD Yet he didn't return because he knew it was wrong and said he just couldn't expose his children to it. All the while, all of his family shunned him, except me and I couldn't be seen with him in public.

I see a strength in him that I have not yet achieved. I have been slowly taking my life back, but I am afraid that I will look back on years of fading as wasted time too. Once again, I wish you the best and I have no advice for anyone, just rambling thoughts and feelings.

Sincerely, Choosing Life

SnakesInTheTower

choosing life:

Fading is emotioally exhausting

I am sitting her after midnight because I cannot sleep and seen this comment of yours. Fading is exhausting. Why do we bother? Why not just up and quit and say "The hell with it?"

Why? Because if we want contact with those few (and I mean very few) friends we have left on inside, we have to play the fading game if we don't wish to be shunned.

When its family involved, its worse. The chains are still there, even if mentally we have checked out of the Borg. CL...your D/F son is smart. (I'll have to PM you about that)

I am afraid that I will look back on years of fading as wasted time too.

Yep, I think that too...so many years of my youth wasted reaching out for privlege after privlege (where are those tm symbols when I need them?). I am sure I passed up good relationships that may have led to a happy family life....

But I think looking back, other than to learn from your mistakes, is a waste of time that only takes you off course...much like a farmer who is plowing and looks back behind him...pretty soon he has a crooked furrow. I think right now I am still plowing a bit crooked. I intend to correct that. (Maybe attend some apostafests? find new friends....)

I wonder CL...how would you feel if you were "found out" for being here? Would you care or are you beyond that now? I still worry about it from time to time...but less and less as time goes on.

Just ruminating, don't mind me.....

SnakesInTheTower (of the "Should not drink Red Stripe after midnight" Sheep ... Class)

To continue fading or stop the madness!!!

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