Find someone better for you and your child--a liar is no good regardless of religion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need some serious informational help from EVERYONE!
by Thedirtysecret 46 Replies latest social relationships
-
-
JWdaughter
Welcome!
He was not honest with you about something that is very important to him for some reason. He is very conflicted about his religion. That will carry on in his life-for as long as he is in or any of his family is in. That means forever. He is sleeping with you, he will feel guilty about that or else lie about it. Either way, it makes 'lovemaking' something that he is ashamed of or unwilling to admit to being your partner in. Who needs that crap?
I am with the RUN!!! contingent. There is really nothing to work with here if he was dishonest with you from the get go and needs to be dishonest to others to be with you. Ick.
You can find someone who is proud of you, proud of your daughter and happy to be seen with you. Not wanting to meet family is fine if you are 'hooking up', but when you are in a relationship, you should not be a secret part of his life, and whether you are close to the others family or not, meeting them happens eventually.
Good luck! (something that a JW will never say to anyone!)
Shelly
-
Madame Quixote
nice to meet you . Your boy friend is in aCULT maybe he wants to be free like a lot of CULT victems . Maybe you could show him this site and tell him to do some research about the CULT he is in . or maybe he should look up the definition of the word CULT so he can see that he is indeed in a cult . Did I mention he is affiliated with a CULT? -blueviceroy
Ditto. -
Black Sheep
Until such time as he understands that he was/is under the influence of a dangerous mind control cult, he is not marriageable material.
Either help him to get out, or run like hell.
If he does get out he will lose his family. His family will still want access to your children so that they can convert them. If they manage this, you will lose your children.
Educate yourself to the techniques of mind control, so that you can protect yourself and your children from cult influences.
Cheers
Chris -
choosing life
He is lying to you and everyone else in his life. This is because he is in a cult. Unless he agrees to do some researching about the witnesses, it is time to end the relationship. He may very well be using you to get sex and later decide to marry a witness who is a virgin aka "good girl". I have seen it happen too many times. It is time to have a serious discussion and then all lying and pretending must stop. If not, move on as it will only go downhill from there.
You are not a 'dirty little secret". His behavior is very much so a "dirty little secret." This is probably not what you wanted to hear, but you can see from the responses you got that it is pretty much what's going on.
I wish you the best in life and not being good enough to take home to his parents just doesn't fit that picture.
-
Sarah Smiles
Hang in there with him! He is going through some changes. He keep his religion a secret because he was taught that he needs not to profame God's name. He can not marry you unevenly yoke unless he is having an affair and feels guilty. Ask him if he is baptized? Thats important! Because if he is baptized then that makes it harder for him! It hard to have premarital relationship that will hinder his family life and he knows it! He wants to keep you a secret because it is a big taboo! Let him open the door to those secrets! If his family does not know anything about your sex life, well keep it a secret!
You do need to talk to him about living together! He probably will not do that unless you are married. The elders in the religion are going to want you both to get married. That is between the two of you. As far as marital relationship what happens between you and your husbands is your business. The religion does not get into what you and your husband is doing in the bed.
He sounds confused right now, so you can hang in there and go throug his changes and secret life. You are his secret life! if that is okay with you. Hang in there he is probably a nice guy! Does he overly drink because that will be a sign of something you might not be able to handle and you do have children? How is he with your children? Can you go around his family without them knowing anything about your premartial affair? There are a lot of young Jehovah's Witnesses that keep that part a secret, it called having something of their own. You both sound like adults so you might want to hang in there! YOU do need to ask yourself some questions? If the relationship goes toward marriage, Will you have Christmas? of Birthday parties for your children? Tell him that you do not plan on going to the meeting with him because that is being honest! My brother married a non beliver and they have been married for 40 years. It a really good marriage. Anyhow, you need to ask yourself the above questions before marriage comes up! One more thing, does he have goals? work or school? because a lot of JDUB struggle trying to make the bills. They do not plan for a future! There is an old book Women Who Love Too Much! maybe you should read it.
-
dust
Thedirtysecret,
I am a non-JW man who met a JW woman. If you read my previous posts (especially the early ones), in some of them I tell about a few of the problems that we encountered. Perhaps you can even relate to my fear at the time. What is important, though, is to be able to talk about those emotions, without condemning the other, and without fear of being condemned. If you are afraid, then tell him that you are afraid. If you are afraid that he will mock you for being afraid, then tell him that you are afraid that he will mock you for being afraid. If you are afraid to lose him, then tell him that you are afraid to lose him. If you need to cry, cry.
I see that some of the participants on this site have adviced you to run. I didn't run. I was terrified, but I stayed, and my girlfriend also stayed. We talked a lot, and we respected eachother. Her parents didn't approve of me (even though they liked me!), but we stayed together and eventually married. In our case, her parents have later stated, though, that they are so happy that their daugher found a guy like me. :) Nevertheless, as she has disassociated herself, the contact is minimal. :(
Life is not easy. But if you really love eachother, then love is worth its difficulties. For my wife and me, our way of handling the difficulties only made our relationship stronger and better, and now we don't have any difficulties other than of the kind that every couple would have whatsoever. -
freyd
It's true.
-
moshe
An honorable man would be anxious to introduce a lady he is serious about to his family and to have his parents meet the parents of his girlfriend/boyfriend. He is apparently ashamed of either you or his family- dump him. He needs to grow up.
-
jgnat
dust, I'm so very glad it worked out for you. Good for you for sticking it out. Bravo for your wife to move away from the society, even though it meant the loss of her family. I bet you were worth all the struggle and heartache. Give her a hug for me tonight.
Lady Lee recently interviewed me about my experience. I'm a non-JW married to a Witness. The conversation is here: http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/9/141713/1.ashx
Is he allowed to be dating me? Is he really never allowed to marry me unless I convert?
Let's just say he is strongly discouraged. He will be advised, for instance, that he will be ignoring Paul's admonition not to be "unequally yoked", that he puts his spiritual status at risk (might die at Armageddon), and will not be considered for priveleges in the organization. What the elders won't say is if he ignores their advice they will ostracize him for years.
What I am saying is, if we stayed together I would want to move in with him, but is that allowed?
Now that is fornication in the society's eyes (and the bible) and is punishable by disfellowshipping (an extreme and exclusive punishment perfected by the Witnesses). He would be shunned by his congregation and his family.
Will his family disown him if they find out about me?
Jehovah's Witnesses are bigots. Not against other cultures, colors, or races, but against anyone who is not a Witness themselves. Imagine for a moment how a bigoted family might react if their child brings home a fiancee of the wrong color. How might they react? If he braves introducing you to his family, they will likely put on a brave face, be scrupulously polite to you and privately badger your boyfriend for his choice. They will likely soon try and "make things right" by trying to make you just like them. Expect to be invited to a service or a book study.
I ask these things because I don't want to be with someone I will forever "stand still" with...he plans to never tell them about me either
But what you describe is a relationship that will always be in a standstill. You won't convert and he won't give up his congregation or his family.
Don't get me wrong, if he asked, I would marry him.
Why? To live in limbo the rest of your life?
But... I will never, ever convert and he knows this.
Now, this is the condition my JW husband and I married under. He knew I would not convert, and we both promised not to interfere with each other's beliefs. We've held to that promise with varying success. But my husband was far more open with me than yours has been with you. Also, since ours is a "mature" relationship, we won't have parenting issues to work out between us. Our folly is all our own. We won't be messing anyone else up.
He needs to realize that this is not about changing one of us....He's never asked me to convert I think he's just hoping I will "naturally want to on my own"
But that's exactly what he is obliged to do under his religion. They truly do think that by exposure their "superior" lifestyle will naturally turn a potential convert. Sadly, they are so sheltered from the real world they have no idea that people have great, kind, loving relationships without the helpof the society.
It's weird. I have to wonder how commited he is to his religion based on the fact that he did date me, when he knows he is not supposed to, he has slept with me, he's been with a NON-JW before.
If you imagine your boyfriend as two distinct individuals, I think it will all start to make more sense. One is the natural guy who loves to be intimate with you. The other is a guilt-ridden mess who is terrified to go against the dictates of the society. The Witness personality is rigid and robotic. With practice, you will notice changes in his facial expression and language.
If you have any information and can post religious scripture to back it up and better explain it to me I would really appreciate it.
"Unequally Yoked" 2 Cor 6:14 http://www.isaiah58.com/questions/q_oftheweek24.html
Shunning 1Corinthians 5:11 http://bible.cc/1_corinthians/5-11.htm
The separation of the "sheep" and the "goats" in the last days Matthew 25:31-46 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Sheep_and_the_Goats
I would really like to make this work with him. I know it's going to be so super-hard and I totally understand the long-haul involved...
Why? What do you hope to get in the end? As you see from dust's example, it worked because his wife left the organization. It works for me because my husband is willing to endure the scorn of his congregation. For it to work for the two of you, both of you are going to have to give up something. You, some independence. Him, scorn from his congregation and family.
I just believe that love overcomes all [obstacles].
I'm a hopeless romantic myself. But I don't think love overcomes all. Though I fiercly loved my first husband, his abuse drove me away. I firmly believe that it takes two people to have a great relationship. You can do your part, but your boyfriend has to own up to a few things to really make this work.
If wants to remain a JW, he could for instance, marry you in a civil ceremony, confess to the elders, and endure six months or more of shunning and reinstatement requirements. If he truly loves you, can he do that for you? By the way, to make this work he has to marry you first, before they can interfere and destroy your relationship. Run this strategy by him and see what he says. You'll soon find out how committed he really is.