I need some serious informational help from EVERYONE!

by Thedirtysecret 46 Replies latest social relationships

• 

  dust

  Give her a hug for me tonight.

  My wife was just waiting for the hug, as she read your post before me. ;)

  He will be advised, for instance, that he will be ignoring Paul's admonition not to be "unequally yoked"

  This is exactly what my present father-in-law told us both (not in direct words but by asking us to read such and such verse) the very first time he met me.
  
  What probably saved our relationship was that both my wife and I are very stubborn. We did not want to give up. The pressure from her family was there, but I am happy to say that she totally ignored it. If anything, the pressure just made her more determined to stay with me.
  
  Of course, every couple must do things in their own way. But the fundamental issue for all is trust in eachother, honesty and mutual respect. Respect is not the same as "obedience", though. Respect is acknowledging that the other one is allowed to be disturbed, afraid, in disagreement, etc., and still love eachother.
  
  Of course I was afraid that she would leave me if I was honest with my fears and problems. But I soon discovered that I had been wrong. :)
  
  When it came to questioning the WT Society, though, I am happy that she endured my questions and disagreements. I did try not to attack the Society, but I know that I did attack them more than once. In addition I had many small questions: "why does the WTS say this when the Bible says that? why is the number 144000 concrete when the 12 x 12000 are symbolic?" etc. (Thanks to Randy at freeminds.com!) These questions were not intended as attacks, only as questions, but she inevitably felt that I trod on her entire life simply by asking such difficult questions. In other words, she herself understood that something was wrong, but she identified with the WTS, and didn't like what the questions made her discover.
  
  I could have been more careful. But it ended well, with her an ex-witness and a reader of JWD.
• 

  Gayle

  Welcome! You can learn more here about JWs than your boyfriend knows. Ironically, I had seen many times where a fellow was raised JW but later became inactive,,found a girlfriend or married, got her into JWs, then he ended up leaving the JWs again & his girlfriend or wife. If people are comfortable with leading a double life to the extent of using people, beware. You speak of loving him anyway. JWs are not taught 'unconditional' love. Please consider that he is using you. Test him. Can you get him to go online here or to read some literature that reveals the true facts of JWs. You have your child's future at stake here.
• 

  Quandry

  Welcome.

  You stated that "he never plans to tell his family about you." He "begs for oral sex." He always had "secrets." He is "dysfunctional."

  Do you really hear all these things? Yes, he is conflicted. He is going against everything he believes. YOU are his "dirty secret." I am sorry, but it sounds like to me that you are mainly his sexual outlet.

  You sound like a young woman without goals. You have a child. You are the one that needs to reevaluate your life. You need a solid future with an education. You need to be an example for your child. You need to be proud of yourself, with self respect, and the respect of your child and family.

  You are in a dead end relationship that is going nowhere, except to "provide forbidden pleasure" to this man. You are worth more than this-or should be.
• 

  Frequent_Fader_Miles

  Your boyfriend will get into serious trouble with the Witnesses if it is found out that he slept with you. He can be disfellowshipped for fornication. You also said he loves oral sex ... another activity forbidden for Witnesses. If he's found out, you may find yourself in a position where he'll choose his religion over you. In order to get back into favor with the Witnesses, he'll dump you. There's no guarantee of him marrying you either way. You and your child deserve someone who can be committed, not some half-baked, secret affair.
• 

  Thedirtysecret

  So, I thank everyone for their advice.

  It looks like we won't be "fixing" things between us, because he's out and out being a typical male a-hole. So, how can you talk things through when someone doesn't answer their phone. I guess when I said everything I said concering our relationship standing still and his religion I utterly offended him and I seriously hurt him. He told me I hurt him and I made him feel "absolutely terrible." I told him that he should have told me 1 or 2nd Date that he was Jehovah's Witness not 6 months into the relationship and I said that by waiting so long, he intentionally set me up to be hurt, because he knew it could not go any further than boy-friend and girl-friend and that I had felt lied to and betrayed. I wish he would own up to his half of this. Not everything was because I didn't choose my words wisely. Mostly, if not Majority.. he is accountable for taking responsibility for his actions. I remember even being out with him and my sister-in-law and I straight up asked him "Are you a Jehovahs Witness, because in your grandfather's obituary it said he was one?" and he flat out said "No" and denied it. That was a month into our relationship. I bring that up now and he was like well if I had told you the truth you would have never dated me and he's right, because than I would not have had to endure all this B.S. to be quite frank. Plus, now my kid is attached to a guy who is not going to be around. I hate how selfish he was in all of this. It honestly all could have been avoided. I wish I would just get over it and quit trying to persue it, especially after reading everything everyone has said, it is in my better interest to do so. I have to be honest though and say I am truly going to miss him.
• 

  ex-nj-jw

  I mean I feel like everything he does is against his religion but he's so afraid his family will disown him that he lives that double life to keep them around.

  This is the bottom line for anyone that may want to leave this religion.

  I was gonna read all the responses before replying, but I got to this and had to stop. First of all you fell in love with a fake. He was not honest with you about his religion and what is expected of him to be a part of this religion.

  He has not been honest with you about what will happen if he does marry you, what will happen if someone finds out that he is having a relationship with you not to mention if they find out he's having sex outside marraige.

  And last but not least, he has not been open with you about the pressure that will be placed on him and you if you do not convert. He will never be able to live with you without being married and keep his family and friends not to mention being able to remain a Jdub.

  You owe it to yourself and your child to not get involved in this religion. From one mother to another, pick up your child and run, far away from this man and his religion!

  Welcome to JWD

  nj
• 

  jgnat

  (((Thesweetsecret))) <----- that's hugs in internet-speak. Of course you are going to hurt for a while and miss him for a while.

  Steel yourself for the day he comes by for a quickie; be prepared to send him packing.
• 

  Gerard

  Your boyfriend is in a CULT. He has given away independent thinking. H tricked you into a relationship knowing you'd not be impressed knowing what he is into.

  If you don't walk away now, you will be misserable for the rest of your vegetable life with him. Guaranteed.

  For starters, investigate how their women are supposed to behave and be submissive.

  Don't walk. RUN!
• 

  Khepri

  Hi there,

  Firstly, everyone's situation is a bit different, but in my experience it's not possible for a JW/nonJW relationship to be really happy, at least not without some serious compromises from you. How can it be when it is a religion that believes all non jws will die at armageddon if they don't convert before then? My mum is a jw and my dad is not, and while he's always been very much in love with her and would never think of leaving her (and she would never think of leaving the organisation) I feel that he his life has been quite miserable in a lot of ways because of it. He has very few friends apart from jws who he doesn't really enjoy being with because they are always trying to preach to him. He doesn't do much with his life because he knows my mum thinks that any 'worldly' pursuits are pretty worthless. I feel very sad for him sometimes, because he is a genuinely lovely person, but also I'm angry at him for not making a stand about some things.

  On the other hand, I know from personal experience that for a lot of people it is EXTREMELY hard to leave the organisation because of the social pressure and guilt. They are so insular that venturing out into the world can seem very daunting. It sounds to me from what little I know about your boyfriend that maybe he would like to leave the jws but is too afraid. You see, it's not the kind of religion that you can 'half-do' - you're pretty much either in or out. Yes he probably would be disfellowshipped if he moved in with you without marrying you, but if he married you and proved to them that he really wanted to stay in the religion he might not be. If you married him and he stayed a jw I'm afraid you'd be setting yourself up for a lot of unhappiness, because they have to put their religion first, even before their families.

  I really hope it works out for you, but whatever they say their religion DOES break up families, I know that because I'm in one. My mum still talks to me occasionally, but my extended family (and there are a lot of them!) who are nearly all jws haven't spoken to me in years, when we used to be very close.

  Best of luck, maybe your situation will be different but please be very careful what you commit to.

  PS religious scripture can be used to justify all sorts of things, but jehovah's witnesses know the bible inside out and will only accept their interpretation of it, because they believe they have god's spirit. If you take them on on that level, you have no chance, trust me!
• 

  parakeet

  tds wrote: "He knows this. He waited a little "far" into our relationship to tell me he was, which created a mess, honestly an emotional dyfunctional mess. He was always a little shady from the beginning with tons of secrets no one understood....."
  
  
  
  
  
  However, if he had been upfront about being a JW right from the beginning -- that by itself should be enough to tell you he's not worth it.