Is it POOR PARENTING to raise a child into a religious faith?

by nicolaou 73 Replies latest social family

  • BurnTheShips
    BurnTheShips
    Surely raising your child to be a Catholic or Mormon or Hindu or Atheist is being neglectful. There is a whole world full of different ideas and philosophies, putting your child into a theological or ideological straightjacket might, I contend, be abusive in that it stunts their personal development and outlook.

    Providing a religious foundation for your children is not the same as putting them in a mental straightjacket Nicolau! It does not stunt personal development or outlook. Children look to their parents for learning when they are young. When they get older, then they go out on their own and decide for themselves. This is natural.

  • Mary
    Mary
    Surely raising your child to be a Catholic or Mormon or Hindu or Atheist is being neglectful. There is a whole world full of different ideas and philosophies, putting your child into a theological or ideological straightjacket might, I contend, be abusive in that it stunts their personal development and outlook.

    Nonsense. Are you trying to say that parents should raise their kids to believe anything and everything?? There is nothing wrong with raising your child to appreciate certain values and beliefs that many religions have, as long as it's in moderation. The problem comes when you insist on ingraining the "us vs. them" mentality, intolerance of other ideas or thinking for yourself.

  • drew sagan
    drew sagan

    Good points about teaching people how to think rather than what to think.

    I think there another big issue in this. Does the belief system teach an internalized or externalized value system?

    Within the JWs people are instructed how to act in very detailed ways. How to dress, how to talk, how to treat others (usually with an aim of conversion), and so on. The qualifier to keeping good morals is that you want to make the group (or religion) look good, not necessarily because its the 'right' thing to do.

    So is the system teaching people how to incorporate a positive value system into their core being, or is it simply encouraging them to be "good" for the sake of the group (i.e. "this makes us look good, so do it!").

    Teaching people that they are personally accountable for their moral decisions is part of it. There are many moral and ethical issues that JWs never even care to think about because 'the slave' has taken care of it.

  • nicolaou
    nicolaou

    With respect Mary, I think you've missed my point. I absolutely agree with you that "there is nothing wrong with raising your child to appreciate certain values and beliefs that many religions have". For all it's faults my JW upbringing gave me values of honesty and equality (I know not everyone feels the same way).

    Other faiths and non-faiths like humanism and atheism can do the same thing. I'm not criticising religious parents who use their faith as a moral guide to raise their children - good for them in trying to do their best by their kids. What I question is 'containment upbringing'. My child is a Muslim or my child is an Atheist.

    Applying strict sectarian labels to children is divisive, that's what ingrains "the "us vs. them" mentality".

  • Qcmbr
    Qcmbr

    The phrasing of the question is at fault IMO.

    Poor parenting has nothing to do with 'religion' (or politics or lifestyle choice etc) it's all to do with relationships. Everyone needs validation, in an environment where you are valued then you gain self confidence and that self confidence gives the building blocks to critical evaluation and choice. Any teaching (be it religious or not) that relies on 'breaking' your self worth (either through criticism, guilt, violence or abuse) is harmful and if practised by a parent on a child is bad parenting.

    In my personal experience I received some cr*p teaching from my parents that contravened the above but on the balance I received plenty of positive parenting experiences as a child - as such I'm happy with my ignorance and it allows me to enjoy learning and finding out how little I know - I'm confortable not having all the answers because I'm happy with me. In my case 'my' faith puts a phenominally high value on children and families (to the extent that anything that threatens that is attacked) thus I think teaching my religious values to my children is great as they are validated at every opportunity, steered away from self-esteem destroying behaviour, charted a route back from mistakes.

  • nicolaou
    nicolaou

    Nothing wrong with the question Qcmbr. Don't you think that even the most loving and caring parents can have their parenting skills skewed by a religious institution?

    I think scores of posters here would testify otherwise.

  • jgnat
    jgnat

    You know what, children will grow up to carry so much of who you are, you can't do much to change it. Their most persistent traits are those you are unconcious of. Case in point, my granddaughter's first multisyllable word at age three was, "actually". All of a sudden I heard myself, and I wasn't flattered. Third generation stuffy. She is also cheerfully outgoing, independent, and opinionated. Also third generation. When I see my daughter in full crusader mode, collaring a mayoral candidate on WHAT HE'S GOING TO DO to improve the transit system in our city, I cringe. Where did this little tiger come from? Well, obviously, from her tiger mother.

    I don't think it is poor parenting to raise a child in a particular religion. If the parent is a dedicated believer in a particular system of belief, their children will naturally pick up that dedication. It can't be helped; it will happen. Now, when they individualize in their late teens and early twenties, the child may take that dedication and reject the religion itself. They may pick their own path.

    I think the damage comes at this critical time. Will the parents reject the child for becoming independent, or support their child's right to choose their own path? It is a poor parent who disrespects or tries to control their adult child's choice.

    In a recent class, I was told that the majority of people around the world hold traditionalist views. They have picked a particular system of belief, and will raise their children that way. Are we to condemn them all as bad parents?

    On the flip side, I knew a family of boys who were deliberately raised to be skeptics. The parents exposed them to all major religions as they were being raised. They were the most screwed up family I ever met. The parents made a mistake, I believe, in their attempt to raise broad-minded individuals. They did not ground the boys on a few essential "truths" that ground all faiths. The boys were left adrift, believing in nothing.

  • LittleToe
    LittleToe

    What age of child? Are you attempting to tackle the whole process of development in this over-simplistic question?

    Children develop and at certain stages can start to appreciate critical thinking, etc. but not in the early stages. They need something stable and that is usually provided in a simplified version of a parent's preferences.

    To throw in a weak analogy, kids in a multi-lingual home will learn to speak several languages, which helps develop their thinking, however they usually settle on one particular language in certain given circumstances (such as speaking to a parent who only has one of the languiages). That doesn't counfound their development of other languages but it does give some clarity when it comes to communicating. All they really want in their young years is to be understood and to understand. They really don't care whether one language is better than another as it is simply a tool.

    We all "think" using certain frameworks, constructs and metaphors. They are useful because we hold them in common. If we want to learn critical thinking ability then we need to have mastered a starting point of one framework before being able to properly examine and contrast it with another. It is simply a tool.

    In most school systems the ability to learn is built gradually and those who move on to Bachelors-level study are taught the ability to research information for themselves; at Masters-level study they are taught to critically analyse what they research; and so on. This is a natural process that meets the needs of a developing mind. You'll note that the higher level of studies are engaged by young adults, though they can be tackled by more advanced adolescents.

    The point I'm attempting to make is that its all well and good applying our adult standards to what we think could be helpful to a child but it doesn't take into account the abilities and capacities of young minds. They need stability and simply tools with which to inter-relate with the world around them. For that reason I would suggest that if a child is raised with a particular belief-set (religious or otherwise) it is likely to be advantageous rather than detrimental.

    A final example: the abundance of proverbs, rhymes and stories that and interwoven into the fabric of our cultural heritage enables us to communicate more quickly. We have built upon the shoulders of those who went before and are thus able to shortcut a long dialog and get to the heart of what we're attempting to communicate by usiong these common themes with a few choice words of explanation to focus our point. In the West we have been steeped in Biblical and Shakespearean stories, even when folks don't know the source of these sayings.

    For example:

    There was a child born in an outhouse whose family ran from oppressors to another land then up to a backwater village in their own. As the child grew he learned lots of things and was a likeable chap. When he became an adult he started teaching people to think critically which resulted in hatred from the uni-dimensional society leaders around him. Eventually they had him assasinated but his martyrdom resulted in a movement that would eventually inflame the world beyond the borders of his own land. Some rallied to the banner to gain power over others, but the underlying precepts of: outgrowing the selfishness of putting first your self, tribe, country and even world; embracing others who differ from us; and thinking critically about why we act the way we act; would eventually cause such a regime to crack. An underdog became something more and so can we.

    Its a powerful meme and a tool that carries a rich tapestry of meaning to those who have been raised with a similar story. Each of us will draw out the facets that particulary appeal to us and our current stage of development. Its a story that can be revisited at many different points in our lives and inspire us to greater things. Would you rather learn of some such story (or another like it) as a child or a pensioner?

  • nvrgnbk
    nvrgnbk

    The Affirmations of Humanism:
    A Statement of Principles

    • We are committed to the application of reason and science to the understanding of the universe and to the solving of human problems.
    • We deplore efforts to denigrate human intelligence, to seek to explain the world in supernatural terms, and to look outside nature for salvation.
    • We believe that scientific discovery and technology can contribute to the betterment of human life.
    • We believe in an open and pluralistic society and that democracy is the best guarantee of protecting human rights from authoritarian elites and repressive majorities.
    • We are committed to the principle of the separation of church and state.
    • We cultivate the arts of negotiation and compromise as a means of resolving differences and achieving mutual understanding.
    • We are concerned with securing justice and fairness in society and with eliminating discrimination and intolerance.
    • We believe in supporting the disadvantaged and the handicapped so that they will be able to help themselves.
    • We attempt to transcend divisive parochial loyalties based on race, religion, gender, nationality, creed, class, sexual orientation, or ethnicity, and strive to work together for the common good of humanity.
    • We want to protect and enhance the earth, to preserve it for future generations, and to avoid inflicting needless suffering on other species.
    • We believe in enjoying life here and now and in developing our creative talents to their fullest.
    • We believe in the cultivation of moral excellence.
    • We respect the right to privacy. Mature adults should be allowed to fulfill their aspirations, to express their sexual preferences, to exercise reproductive freedom, to have access to comprehensive and informed health-care, and to die with dignity.
    • We believe in the common moral decencies: altruism, integrity, honesty, truthfulness, responsibility. Humanist ethics is amenable to critical, rational guidance. There are normative standards that we discover together. Moral principles are tested by their consequences.
    • We are deeply concerned with the moral education of our children. We want to nourish reason and compassion.
    • We are engaged by the arts no less than by the sciences.
    • We are citizens of the universe and are excited by discoveries still to be made in the cosmos.
    • We are skeptical of untested claims to knowledge, and we are open to novel ideas and seek new departures in our thinking.
    • We affirm humanism as a realistic alternative to theologies of despair and ideologies of violence and as a source of rich personal significance and genuine satisfaction in the service to others.
    • We believe in optimism rather than pessimism, hope rather than despair, learning in the place of dogma, truth instead of ignorance, joy rather than guilt or sin, tolerance in the place of fear, love instead of hatred, compassion over selfishness, beauty instead of ugliness, and reason rather than blind faith or irrationality.
    • We believe in the fullest realization of the best and noblest that we are capable of as human beings.

    These aren't bad affirmations to teach a child, IMHO.

  • LittleToe
    LittleToe

    Its also worth noting that by eschewing higher levels of education and demonising critical thinking the WTS maintains a childish level of development in the majority of its adherents.

    That isn't something that magically disappears when we leave the JWs but is something that takes work and effort to improve on. I believe we all have the ability, though some will have to make their opportunities rather than simply be given them. You can certainly live without the ability, as have generations before, but IMHO its worth the effort.

    GOOD PARENTING wants the best for children and one would hope that it would include growth to independance and critical ability to thrive in the world and contribute something to the world around them and the next generation. A stable start to that, including the frameworks and tools that allow a steady progression and education, has to be a worthy start. Some find that by instilling a religious faith and some do not, however its not in this that you can judge parenting skills.

    I will concede that if a child is raised in an environment (religious or otherwise) that intentionally stints growth and a parent knowingly aids and abets the process then they are exhibiting POOR parenting. I would posit that many geniunely believe that is not the case, however misguided they may or not be.

    As a last point I have to wonder: if a parent restricts their child from learning all the cultural norms and stories that might assist them in social growth, including a well rounded education in religion[s] and its stories, is that a GOOD or BAD parent or something in-between? In fact is it genuinely a factor at all?

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