Is JWD #1.....My Therapist....his first advice on JW's, me, and divorce

by oompa 47 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Magick

  ps...I would give away a lot of cash in exchange for that hot lasting lusty love Sweetstuff is talkin bout......damn

  i'd take a check.

  ~magicK (of the womanly persuasion)
• 

  mamochan13

  Heh. I was being polite with my post, obviously, given what others have said. And Magick does give good advice, doesn't she?

  I still think that a good relationship with a therapist is most important, even if that therapist is clueless about JWs. I also still think that the therapist may not be giving advice as much as reflecting your ambivalence, Oompa. You may be the one who still thinks a part time relationship with meeting attendance will work.

  I felt very sad reading the comment by wings about making fading a lifestyle. I again realized how lucky I am to finally be through it. There is an end in sight. Another side. It may be hard to see it now, but things do get better. But as so many others have indicated, it helps to make a firm decision on one side or another. If you want to resign yourself to staying as you are now, attending meetings but hating every minute because you want to keep your family together - that's a valid choice. But where you will be 10 years from now?

  maybe it's like ripping the bandage off quickly.
• 

  dogisgod

  Oompah, You are just beginning your walk. When people go thru life traumas like divorce, death, job loss etc (which is all of the above when leaving the society) it is recommended that you don't do ANYTHING BIG for ONE YEAR. So if you are leaving the society and feeling all those tendricals being pulled out of your body and soul (oops did I say "soul"?) You will only make things worse by doing something else. Like a divorce. Adding injury to injury. Learn to listen to what would be good for you...things not motivated by "guilt" or "should" (key ingrediants to fighting your intuition and causing depression). If you are up to a meeting go because you WANT to. If not you are hurting yourself.

  Hopefully your therapist has you on some antidepressants (takes a while to start working and may need to switch types before a good balance is found) and maybe some anti panic meds. I'm not a big pill pusher but I know that this is something that may be too big to handle without some chems. When you get depressed and agitated those things kind of chemically alter your brain and body (just don't ask Tom Cruise about this) and take on a life of their own. Then you need help to re-stabilize things and then wean off them.

  I went to several Therapists after leaving and not one of them understood what it was really all about. It is always an individual journey since we all have our histories, family crap, etc. Try to trust yourself. I don't know why you would toss a good wife just because she is JW (I know, easy for me to say, I'm not living with her) but I don't think you have mentioned "grounds" for divorce for either of you. Why go there. Just put it on the back shelf for now. Just work through it for a few months. You didn't get to this point quickly and you won't recover from it quickly.

  As you can probably tell I am an animal lover. If you don't have a dog now I think it would really help to get one and take him to training. You can pick classes that are ON meeting nights so you don't sit at home obsessing. You meet some really nice people (some real wackos too...cheap entertainment) You get a wonderful bond with a very smart animal who can give you the companionship that you may be lacking. When I say "training" I am talking of a series of at least 4 eight week courses and there are options of Agility, Search and Rescue and on and on. I can really say that a dog that was dumped in my yard really saved my life after my divorce and leaving JWs. You might think I'm crazy but I really think this might be a really theraputic option so think about it.

  You're a good man Oompa. Just keep on truckin.
• 

  observador

  Looks like you have some tough decisions to make, oompa.
  
  If you go back for "social" reasons, you may actually complicate your situation because of the message you'd send your wife. I'm no expert, but from experience, keeping your mouth shut, adopting a non-confrontational approach toward the JW religion, showing your wife you love her for who she is, showing you'll support her even her decision to stay in, etc... combined with an improvement in your overall outlook in life, will help her to see that leaving the religion isn't the end of the world.
  
  Remember, being a JW is being a defender of an ideology. You would have to communicate to her without words, subtly, that that ideology is flawed. Going back for "social" reasons, unless it is part of a bigger strategy, as described above, sends her the wrong message.
  
  Wish you the best in whatever you decide.
  
  Observador.
• 

  wings

  But I do sometimes wish I had never awakened, as in many ways it would be easier. Everything was black and white. Now I am the stranger in a strange land.

  I understand this. If I only could have stayed deaf, dumb, and blind, then I would have a daily path I could follow. But, I was dying inside, and I ran out of life force. For me personally, even if I never survive this, the perspective that I have gained has been worth it. My conscience is more content. Life outside the box at least offers hope.

  I do feel sorry for my wife though...I have changed and she never could have seen it coming.

  Me too. My husband was hit hard, because I changed, not him. I can't offer myself as a sacrifice to pretense any more. Growth is change, I've grown.
• 

  oompa

  Observador: keeping your mouth shut, adopting a non-confrontational approach toward the JW religion, showing your wife you love her for who she is, showing you'll support her even her decision to stay in, etc... combined with an improvement in your overall outlook in life, will help her to see that leaving the religion isn't the end of the world.

  keeping your mouth shut, ------------------difficult for me...at least in the past

  adopting a non-confrontational approach toward the JW religion, ---------------trying, but a little too late

  showing your wife you love her for who she is, showing you'll support her even her decision to stay in, etc-----------things are really different now, and when someone is totally closeminded...have they really made a decision you can support?

  combined with an improvement in your overall outlook in life, will help her to see that leaving the religion isn't the end of the world--------bit of a rub here......so now I can offer certain depression, sickness, old age and certain death verses a very very near end to sickness, old age, and receiving everlasting life in paradise?????? I guess I lose on that one
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  Oompa, my bad advice before was taking into account what you want to do.

  My personal good advice is this: tell your therapist that you don't want to go to
  the hall and pretend to be a JW, as it is difficult for you to keep your mouth shut.
  
  Tell him you don't want a divorce.

  Read Steve Hassan's RELEASING THE BONDS. Use it as a springboard for
  your discussions with your wife and run these by the therapist afterward so that
  he can help you fine-tune your assistance to your wife.

  Insist that your therapist work to help you within the confines of those two things:
  1. You don't want to go to the hall and pretend.
  2. You don't want a divorce, but would like to (if possible) help your wife see the mind-control
  cult for what it is.

  You will be busy trying to be a good husband and starting a life outside of the Borg.
  
  You are free to do what you want. If you follow the BAD advice, try this GOOD advice after
  you tire of trying.
• 

  anewme

  Dear Oompa, I am not an advice giver normally. But having gone through the disfellowshipping and divorce scene and loss of family and friends I do have a viewpoint now.
  
  I think your therapist is giving you good advice. I think the therapist likes you and hopes by slowing you down you will find your own middle of the road path to succeed in keeping your family intact and keeping your mind sound.
  
  You do not need to be the crusader of truth to the world. You are not assigned the task to correct everyone. It is not necessary.
  
  I wish somebody had slowed me down.
  
  I found a therapist at Kaiser who actually suggested I divorce. So there are those therapists who in their professional opinion feel that sometimes it is better for an individual to end an impossible marriage and situation. But yours feels that you would be better off if you curbed your zeal to enlighten the rest of the family and avoid a big confrontation. I wish my old therapist had expressed more insight and wisdom. But even so, with my disaster behind me, I have found a life again. So it is possible, but surely a painful path.
  
  I always think of Galileo who found himself at odds with the Catholic Church of his day. They insisted he recant his theories or face the inquisitioner's torture. Wisely he decided that truth will be uncovered in due time and that he neednt sacrifice his life and freedom for it.
  
  Also I have found that by slowing down and thinking over and over about a problem or dilemma we often get a breakthrough in our understanding and perceptions that is totally suprising---- a solution that may never have occurred to us before! A workable solution!!!
  
  I hope this happens for you dear Oompa.
  
  And these are very stressful times we live in and those of us who are sensitive souls are benefited by mild meds these days. Take them if they help you to cope with your stresses.
  
  
  Best wishes to you fellow JWDer!
  
  
  Anewme