hardest conversation of my life (page 2)

metaspy

jgnat, your advice is kind, but not advisable with my mom.
As it is right now, I get calls from her 2x a day to nag me about meetings and other stuff.
If I say "sure" to anyone who tells me to go back to meetings, she will follow up with phone calls.

R.Crusoe

The hardest conversation you'll ever have isn't the one with your mother or PO, it's the one you have with yourself when you decide what you think and make sure that you continue to think what you think. Everything else will come from that position in your head and it can't be changed unless of course you decide you want to - it's really your decision and your life!

jgnat

OK, I am hearing two messages. One, that you have no power over your mom. Second, that you have to break free from your mom.

What do you have control over? How many harrassing calls you take from your mom!

When are you ready to deal with THAT?

eclipse

At least you are not living with her.

Set boundaries now.

You are in control over your life.

Tell her you are an adult now and as an adult you are making your own decisions,

and that you expect her to respect them as you respect hers.

Don't pick up the phone when she calls. Don't pick up the phone when the witnesses call.

Don't come to the door when they come to your place. You don't have to talk to anyone you don't want to!

Get the book, Toxic Parents. READ IT! it will help you break free from her controlling hold over you.

metaspy

jgnat
true, both statements.

other than acting for the girl I loved, I have always broken under the full weight of my mother's opinions.
She knows how to attack me and press my buttons, so as to get the desired result.
In order for me to accomplish anything she does not approve of, I have acted in silence or had others defend me.
I was trying to get a phone number without telling her, but she found out and got the number.

somewhere deep inside me I tell myself I need to confront it, but no one volunteers for the duty.

also, what my mom cannot accomplish, my brother can.
He is able to do more manipulation of me than her, and I cannot fight him.
I cannot fight him because I know he does things for the right reasons. I love my brother.

reading through the toxic parents - it describes my family.
I answered yes to 50% of the questions.

eclipse

what the....???

I would move and not tell them where you are.

That's what I would do.

Take the girl you love and get the hell out of dodge.

Your family sounds insanely toxic.

Sorry meta, I had no idea you were up against such freakishly controlling people.

You have to stand up for yourself. I know it's hard, but they will back down when you do it.

You teach people how to treat you, so now teach them to respect you and respect your privacy.

(((((metaspy)))))) here is a hug of courage and strength for you.

You can do this!

carla

Maybe you need to think about it differently. Instead of 'fighting' them you are simply standing firm in your own convictions. It is your life, as a responsible human being you need to live it for yourself not for them. It will be painful as you have seen time and time again on the board. Should you choose to go back to please the family it will still be painful, the stories abound about that as well. In the end you have to live with you. What would you tell a dear friend to do in your situation?

As for your family calling and harrassing you all the time that has a simple solution, just don't answer, get an answering machine, get a second line, get the device that tells you who is calling, etc.... If they walk all over you it is because you let them.

restrangled

I pointed to the child molestations as my main reason for leaving.

If that is your main reason for leaving then you owe no further explanation to anyone....mother, brother, anyone.

R's Hubby

metaspy

Thank you eclipse.
I will try to stand up to her and demand respect.
I cannot move - I just got a new job, a new apartment (signed for a year), and I actually love my new job.

Thank you also carla.
I will try to view it less as a battle, and more as living my own life.
I will probably end up ignoring phone calls - I was trying to not do that because I wanted to seem like I was still me.
Like I am not changing all that much, just not going to meetings anymore.
I am trying to fade not DF or DA (though I will do this if necessary).

snowbird

Yeah, what Eclipse said.

My deceased mother was unbelievably controlling. Get this: My mother birthed 13 children. Because she sacrificed so much for us, she thought that gave her the right to interfere in our lives at will. She died in 2005 and I'm still struggling with issues brought on by her total dominaton of our lives.

That's why I can speak to you so forcefully. Your mother knows what she's doing. Stand up to her before it's too late for you to have any semblance of a normal life. When I finally stood up to my mother, she died two years later. Did my defiance of her domineering ways have anything to do with her death?

I don't know and frankly I'm beginning to lose the guilt I felt in the beginning. Talking to others, venting on JWD, researching dysfunction in families, have all helped in my quest to find the real person I know I can be.

I'm hoping the best for you. My prayers are ascending on your behalf.

Sylvia

hardest conversation of my life

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