hardest conversation of my life

by metaspy 56 Replies latest jw experiences

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  *summer*

  does anyone have a spare back bone I can borrow?
  you have a lot more confidence in me than I do.

  many on this board have been in your shoes. and perhaps at times, the backbone was weak while going through their ordeal.

  but once you stand up on your own two feet and stop sending to your backbone the message that it is weak, it will get stronger.

  I just got a new job, a new apartment (signed for a year), and I actually love my new job.

  sure sounds like a good life! YOUR life:-) and YOUR life is what YOU make of it.

  *summer*
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  R.Crusoe

  The natural inclination of humans is to want to be part of a family. And certain individuals are far more inclined to continue carrying that feeling even when the family is at loggerheads. Some individuals are extremely domineering by nature or expectant of others.And ones who are not sometimes feel compelled to do as they insist to some degree, taking responsibility on themselves to give in to maintain the relationship. In fact it is more like a dictatorship. However the price of change may be isolation from family to some extent. So both situations carry negatives. It is my opinion however that you must learn to be yourself and say this, to whomever, so that they take on their responsibility to accept you as an individual with your own opinions - or else drift apart. It is a life choice and not a matter of backbone. Love is at stake and this complicates situations. But if you can't be yourself and be loved, maybe you are better alone! Your path to fathom bearing in mind the solution may carry pain! I am unable to emotionally bond with family for similar reasons - it makes me suffer endlessly - but I cannot pretend to be their illusion of what they expect - it is utter nonsense and is their way of ensuring you never stand as their equal!
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  Sunspot

  In these situations. love and loyalty and emotions get all tangled up in a ball, and are difficult (at best) to seperate and place in the proper compartments. The WTS has worked extremely hard at making sure this is done, AND in just this way!

  Those who doubt what the men of the WTS teach---are not automatically (or necessarily) doubting GOD, but the WTS has purposely confused the lines on this issue. Those who DO decide toleave the WTS teachings---are not turning their backs on GOD, but on the MEN in Brooklyn.....but loyal JWs just CANNOT SEE the difference.

  The tears she is shedding, are from the FEAR of what the men of the WTS will expect from HER if you decide to leave THEIR teachings and interpretations behind. These fears and tears are real.....but just misdirected at YOU.....when it is THEM she is truly afraid of.

  I wish you the best, and hope you can find the strength and the courage to take the necessary steps you need to---to go on with the rest of YOUR life in a meaningful and fulfilling way.

  hugs,

  Annie
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  shopaholic

  I told her that I was taking some time off from going to meetings and service.

  Very good phrasing. I'm going to use those words if I ever get questioned directly. If it helps, I've found it useful to change the subject to something else or just say "um-hmm" or some other sound that means I'm listening but I'm careful not to get sucked into any conversations regarding the KH or JW stuff. I also try to call my family regularly to talk about other things, like if I saw something cool they may like or to share the latest family gossip. As long as I keep in touch and initiate the conversations, I don't get as many suspicious questions.

  But I also know that it depends on your family, the number of brothers/sisters you have and how many of them are active witnesses, how close you are to your parents and your emotional makeup. If you're close to your family, you don't want to hurt them even if it means your freedom and I understand that dilemma. Just stand your ground and know that you don't have to answer every time your mom calls. Try initiating some of the conversations, don't talk about JW stuff, don't try to explain anything...just let her know you as her son and not her JW son.

  This is going to be my plan of attack as I'm going to tell my family that I'm "taking time off" after my visit in a couple of weeks, as I feel like I'm being a coward by leading to them believe that I'm still very active. Although I think they have some idea.

  Metaspy, stay strong and live each vibrant day with your eyes wide open.

  May you find peace in your journey,

  S.
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  nomoreguilt

  Younger Man, remember ONE THING!!! You are not accountable to MAN! In years gone by, my but how I would trimble at the thought that OH! The Elders are coming !!! If you are of the mind set that you still have a spiritual need, then you are accountable to God. You owe no man an explanation for yur actions. Remember, they are men,(some Mice) no need to get into a debate with them, as this will only give them more cause to suspect you of some wrongdoing. The elders LOVE to impute wrong motive into every inaction on our part. As for your mother, love her with all your heart, for one day she may be gone and then you will wish that you had been kinder to her. But, she is not your spitual head, you are no longer living in her household. You alone are responsible for your actions, and ask her to respect you for the indivuality that you so badly yearn for now. OH! And don't you dare EVER marry a witness, she'll drag you back into the mire.
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  sweetums

  When I read some of these things that "loving" parents put their children through, it just makes my blood boil. Don't you let her lay any guilt on you. You did not turn your back on God, you simply opened up your heart to him.

  I am not a JW, but my in-laws are, so I can sympathize with what you are going through. Stand your ground and let your mom know who is in the driver's seat. Dare to be real!
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  TheSilence

  Hi, metaspy,

  Here is the thing I learned with my dad... I don't *owe* him any explanations for how I live my life. I know I'm a good person, if he doesn't it's his issue, not mine. I know the reasons I don't believe in the witnesses and I know that information is readily available to anyone who cooses to look for it, if he doesn't it's his issue, not mine. I respect his right to choose this religion, I demand the respect for my right not to choose it.

  Like you, for the longest time my dad was the person who could argue with me on any point and I just couldn't argue back. He could manipulate the conversation and put me in corners I just didn't know how to get out of. But the fact of the matter is that I don't have to participate in those games. If he wants to start arguing I simply tell him I'm not arguing with him and refuse to participate. You can't control your mother's behavior, but you can control how you react to it. Choose not to participate. Walk away from the conversation. #1. Mom, I won't argue with you and if you insist on continuing then I will end this conversation until such time as you choose not to argue/discuss this any further. #2. Mom, my reasons for leaving are my own. I respect your right to believe whatever you want and therefore will not give you reasons to walk away. If you want to know the reasons I believe this is not the truth they are readily available if you open your eyes and look, but it's not my job or responsibility to convince you one way or the other. The choice is yours, as mine is mine.

  I believe you can find the strength to stand up to her, as I did with my dad. Choose your own battles, don't let her choose them for you.

  Jackie
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  Hellrider

  The tears are to make you feel guilty. Don't fall for it.

  Damn right, the crocodile-tears of jw-moms, they`re half for show, half for manipulation, nothing else, I know them oh so well. Older jw-women in particular have this, it`s their "role", the role of the oh-so-"theocractic" woman, the selfproclaimed martyr of the family, it`s their part in the whole bizarre jw-play. I absolutely hate women like that. Don`t fall for it, just be a man, and do what you have to do!
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  dawg

  So much good advice I have nothing to say, and maybe that's a good thing! Ha! Come on bro, stand up, I know you love your mam but its your life to live according to the dictates of your conscience-not hers.

  My mom said "chuck, please return to Jehovah" crying... I said, "those men aren't Jehovah, plan and simple and that's the point". Don't bend under the pressure, that's why they have taht shit man, just to pressure you using their love as a tool to blackmail. Tell her if she loved truth she'd leave with you.
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  katiekitten

  You were really brave to have that conversation. It sounds like your mum uses classic emotional blackmail to make you feel bad.

  I really stuggle to stand up to my mum too, and invariably back down and let her have he own way, only occasionally I totally lose it and have a screaming fit at her, at which she goes all logical on me and makes me look like an hysterical fool (which of course I am being at that moment).

  Theres something about manipulating mums that means you can never win, and you always end up feeling wrecked. I got a book recomended by someone on this forum called "Toxic Parents". Its a really good book - naturally it didnt go down well when my mum found it!!! She was pretty acid about me reading it!