LadyCCC,
Welcome to the board!
I have never been DFd but was "marked" and shunned, I still am in many cliques. I know the feelings of invisibility all too well, and after being shunned for decades I can tell you how you perceive yourself is all that matters. We all make mistakes, Jesus says Jehovah forgives, ask and you shall receive!
The biggest question is do you want to stay or go?
Before you answer this, why not examine things like we ask the householders in FS? There are lots of avenues on the internet to research. Yes there are many "apostate" sites but there are also sites that have pdfs of all the WTs from the 1879-1949 (1950-present can be found on CD). Another great source is of course the Bible itself, particularly what Jesus had to say about salvation.
It is only recently that I have learned there is a difference between religion and faith. Ex: My religion from birth has been JW, but if the Towers were to fall and never to be rebuilt whether due to internal corruption or divine reproving. My faith is in Jehovah, Jesus, and knowing that Jah has provided guidance in the words of the Bible, granting me understanding with the help of holy spirit.
Whichever course you take, the JWD and the many "friends" here are like group therapy for those who are in need. If this site had been runnning when my Sister was wrongfully DF'd then she wouldn't have lost 17 years of her life. I admit the things being done in the Tower in the name of Jehovah has caused me to "lose" my religion, but my faith has been rewarded by me keeping my sanity as I wade through what is Biblical and what is WTS man-made, self-serving interpretation. (Theocratic Warfare, UN, OSCE, Thailand Bible Society, Johannes Geber, Sexual Abuse payouts, Blood and Bulgaria, Rutherford and Angels denying the need for holy spirit, RBC etc...)
here are some links to old WT pubs
http://www.a2z.org/wtarchive/docs/1879-1916_Watch_Tower.pdf
http://tjliberte.free.fr/Library/Watchtower_Publications/Watchtowers/1949.pdf
www.strictlygenteel.co.uk has old online books and is run by Witnesses (Reading Rutherford is unreal)
http://www.theocraticresearch.com/
www.watchtower.cc has the Elder Manual (Not the one with Elder notes--search Richie's posting to read about the notes handwritten in Elder Manuals about handling Sexual Abuse.) Maybe ask yourself if we are not a Secret Society, why this manual is not available in the KH library?
http://www.theocraticresearch.com/
http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/12/149504/1.ashx you can download the Public Talks outlines, thanks to a few fabulous JWDers..
The resourses are unlimited
Don't discount the "apostate" sites too quickly......I will allow another to post the fab poztates to visit on the web, but most are sincere ex-Witnesses.
Agape
Yknot