have you been in therapy? it seems there are some patterns in your life that you're assuming can be fixed by becoming a jw again, forgetting that all friendship and love from jws are conditional to the extreme.
if patterns of bad relationships aren't broken, there's a very good chance you'll end up wtih a loser jw who doesn't treat you right, just as a loser non-jw.
if you still believe in god or a higher power, i suggest praying about it.
during those dark times over the past 9 years i've been out and said to myself, what if i'm wrong.....well, i know i'm not sure of anything, but in those dark times i prayed with earnesty and absolute faith that i'd be shown an answer.....every time the answer was do not go near becoming a jw again.....it manifest itself in various ways, like old friends getting in touch and showing me how horrid they are and were.
be very honest with yourself and listen to your gut feeling.
if your gut feeling is telling you to go back, there might be a reason....in my own limited experience, i went back after fading, and left again....it was important that i went back b/c i needed to nail the coffin shut and the first time around i still had doubts about god killing me at armageddon.....now i can look at that as absurdity.....but for some it takes going back.
excuse my being blunt about therapy and relationship patterns.....i'm suggesting separating the issues b/c going back and having bad relationships with men have nothing to do with each other.
my experience is limited and i don't know and shouldn't assume your full experience.....so take my suggestions and do what works for you.
i am a bit concerned that bad relationships are part of the reason.
