Ask Happy Homemaker! (page 19)

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Dear Happy Homemaker,

Alas, there is a household quandary nipping at my heels or, rather, peeing on the rug in my bedroom. What is your solution for getting rid of pet stains?

Tosoth Tsrwd

Dear Tosoth,

I've only just returned from the far east, guest of the redoubtable Sheikh Al-Hattal. I had with me various products - all organic, as urine is organic and "like dissolves like." Inorganic cleaners, for this raison, simply cannot cut it, as it were. There is SPOT SHOT and INCREDIBLE: the former I procured at Sphinx Home Depot and the latter at the Desert Sands Peturea just down the dunes and to the immediate right, as the scorpion flies.

Home products, which I always have on my person, are:

water (a most valuable and precious commodity in the desert)

hydrogen peroxide

white vinegar

white potatoes

onions (you choose color)

regular toothpaste

tooth brush

toweling: cloth or paper

basin for water

cutting/chopping utensils

You, upon discovering that you have no Home Depot or pet store within a throne's stow, may choose the household products. Mix warm water with vinegar (somewhat more or less equal parts) and gently scrub a bit of the solution into the area of criminal behavior. Blot dry. Or you may wish the bubbly effervescence of H202. Your call.

Some say, however, that rubbing a piece of potato into the stain will remove it. Personally, I prefer my taters mashed and buttered. Toothpaste (NOT GEL) brushed into stain is an alternative approach. Do not reuse brush for oral hygiene.

Simoom and Arabella were a most playful pair of kitties, but, after seeing me at work on their handiwork, they actually seemed embarrassed by their faux pas hither and yon in Sheikh's opulent digs. You can't herd cats, so I've heard, but a dish of chopped onions at their clandestine depository will send them to the cat box.

Hope this helps!

Happy Homemaker!

Tara

I've only just returned from the far east, guest of the redoubtable Sheikh Al-Hattal. I had with me various products - all organic, as urine is organic and "like dissolves like." Inorganic cleaners, for this raison, simply cannot cut it, as it were.

Dear Happy Homemaker,

I appreciate your efforts on behalf of my poor rug. What you say re: organic vs inorganic and like dissolving like makes perfect sense. Thank you very much. I will try your suggestions.

Sam, my dear cat, wishes to alert you and all your readers that she would never be so barbaric as to pee on the rug. She is most embarrassed that anyone could even think she would do something so incredibly rude. She has demanded that I clarify that it was indeed the dog who was so naughty.

Milo, the offending dog, has nothing to say about the matter.

Gratefully yours,

TOSOTH

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How to Correct Bad Behavior in Dogs

By eHow Pets Editor

Rate: (37 Ratings)

A poorly trained dog can embarrass its owner and offend other people--or even make them feel threatened. To raise a well behaved dog, enroll him or her in an obedience class at a young age. Here are some pointers on how to handle common dog problems ...

She has demanded that I clarify that it was indeed the dog who was so naughty.

Milo, the offending dog, has nothing to say about the matter.

Dear Sam,

I surely hope that this has set the record straight! I apologize for any distress that this public humiliation may have caused you.

Milo's silence speaks volumes.

I have booked passage to Newfoundland to study the voiding habits of tent-bound huskies.

Hope this helps!

Happy Homemaker!

Tara

Dear Happy Homemaker,

Your apology is most appreciated and accepted.

Now, about that trip to New Foundland... Might I persuade you to find room in your suitcase for a cat sized dog? No need to bring him back with you, either.

Cats rule! Dogs drool.

Sam

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Dear Sam,

"Cats rule! Dogs drool." - Sassy (?)

Amen, Sister!

Arrangements are being made for Milo's relocation even as we speak ...

Does Mummy approve, you naughty little baggage?!?!?!?

Hope this helps!

Happy Homemaker!

HAL9000

Dear Happy Homemaker,

During a recent wind storm a large branch came through the roof of our house.

As our local council has strict rules regarding waste collection I am confused:

Do I put the branches in the Domestic Waste ( as the tree was in the house) or does it go into Green Waste?

I would be grateful for your thoughts

hal9000

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Do I put the branches in the Domestic Waste ( as the tree was in the house) or does it go into Green Waste?

Dear HAL:

Thank you ever so for the inquiry of the ages.

Rather than putting through a request for clarification to the local, officious powers-that-be, you have chosen wisely, i.e., to seek remedy through Happy Homemaker. I should believe at this juncture that you, HAL, given your especial cognitive powers, might teach the bumbling and babbling bumpkins of your provincial township the Lesson of Solomon. In this case, however, it shall not be a child that is rent in two, but the leavings of your Treow Blonedownicus.

Put all arbor detritus in a heap and call in witnesses to attest to your action. At the appointed time, cleave said slash down the middle and place one half of the cleavage into DM and the remainder (which should be precisely the other half) into GW.

While this is perhaps a furlong beyond the original intent of the Noble Sage to inspire fear of Him Who Must Not Be Named into the superstitiously susceptible, yet I daresay that fire from heaven could possibly descend and prove your point. Or you might hear thunder.

If the above does satisfy neither you nor the town fathers, simply apply for a variance on the local ordinance.

I know you to be clever. I've seen all your movies.

Hope this helps!

Happy Homemaker!

HAL9000

Dear Happy Homemaker,

Thank you for your practical solution to my problem: I could, perhaps, make the witnesses "Jehovah's" and hope that they and the lightning strikes coincide.

This would be curing two problems at once

By the way, it was claimed that I was clever once, but I sort of lost my mind (quite literally) a few years ago although I am told that a solution is coming in 2010.

HAL9000

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HAL9000:

! (What are you doing, Dave?)

H.H.

Tara

Dear Sam,
"Cats rule! Dogs drool." - Sassy (?)
Amen, Sister!
Arrangements are being made for Milo's relocation even as we speak ...
Does Mummy approve, you naughty little baggage?!?!?!?
Hope this helps!
Happy Homemaker

Dear Happy Homemaker,

Alas, no, she does not approve. She loves that mangy little mutt. Why, I couldn't tell you! She was most distressed with me for even thinking, let alone suggesting, such a thing! In fact she grounded me, took away my computer priviledges, and threatened to stop buying the cream that I so dearly love. It appears we are stuck with him for the duration.

Thank you ever so much for your willingness to help rid my life of this drooling, ill mannered fur ball.

Yours formulating Plan B,

Sam

Ask Happy Homemaker!

How to Correct Bad Behavior in Dogs

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