ATJeff Answers Letters from JW Readers (page 8)

AllTimeJeff

Dear Goverening Body

I understand that you have more important things to do than answer my stupid questions. I will just sit here waiting patiently for you to get around to telling me what to do. As a good JW I don't think for myself at all.

Dear Gentile JeffT WokeUpOnTheWrongSideOfTheBed

Rest assurred, we are writing a letter to your body of elders so that they can help you and provide the proper assistance so that you can overcome your bad attitude.

You're right, we have better things to do, but we never miss a chance to keep you in check. Your sarcasm was noted!

The GB will be in meetings all day long. This time, we are trying to see how many 10's of millions we can get for DUMBO.

Wordlygirl

Dear GB,

My boyfriend has a copy of the book "Reasoning from the Sisters" and he states that God wants me to serve his each and every whim. The other day he came into the kitchen while I was cooking and sporting an erection. He pointed to it and said "make it go away!." Am I required by decree to stop what I am doing and fix the problem?

A loving sister in Jah's service

AllTimeJeff

Dear Brothers;

Thank you so much on your recent article: "Higher Education----Its Demonic Origins". I recently graduate from high school with a 98.5% GPA and was offered a full scholarship to Harvard University to study Quantum Physics. Although I have the potential to earn a 6 figure income within a few years, I can't help but wonder if this is a test from Satan, trying to draw me away from Jehovah's Organization.

After praying about it and talking to the local bozos elder body, I am leaning towards turning down this scholarship and work part time cleaning toilets while I pioneer. What would you advise?

Sister Mary

Dear Gentile Sister Mary

We are glad that you as a Catholic nun are interested in being a pioneer. Do you ride a broom like the Flying Nun? That means you are a witch or Sister Jaracz.

In any case, your potential to earn 6 figures is quite alluring to us these days, assuming that you get your ass in gear and donate to the WWW.

However, knowing what we know about our elders these days, we highly recommend that, as long as you follow through with your threat to earn 6 figures, that you pretty much ignore your local elders. However, take heart, you can hire one of them to clean YOUR toilets.

Don't worry about pioneering (as long as you give to the worldwide work.... It helps us all... might even get one free pass at your first JC meeting!)

AllTimeJeff

Dear Brothers,

I still feel a hatred towards Muslims and black people. Will there be a white only section?

Zig Heil!

Christian Love,

D. Ferreal.

Dear Gentile Ferreal

We understand. We do too. Don't tell Sam Herd, he is out on a zone trip.

AllTimeJeff

Dear editors at Awake! Asleep!

I once heard that seven years of reading Awake! was the equivalent of a college education. I can tell you now that after getting a proper college education that this is not true. And don't tell me I should never have gone to college that I should pioneer instead....

I pioneered, went to MTS and all that crap..... and got nothing but a little certificate, a headache, and a potential one way ticket to some outpost in Kansas.

What do you have to say for yourselves

No Longer One of Jehovah's Witnesses

Dear Gentile Apostate

Why would you assume that we are wrong about the college education and Awake? You actually went to college? Why do you think calling us on our bluff would help you?

Oh, you wanted a paying job instead of everlasting life.

You went to MTS huh? We are starting to regret starting that school. Once Teddy bites it, it will be totally out of control..... An in any case, whats wrong with Kansas? They have pretty tornados! And it beats a one way ticket to Africa.... TRUST ME!

AllTimeJeff

We had a couple of similar letters, in that there attitudes pissed us off......

Thank you governing blody,

I'm such a loser and weakling I need that condescending voice to keep me in check. You know how it is - I need someone else to think for me.

Kindly Kristian Regards,

BraindeadDweeb

And....

Dear Goverening Body

I understand that you have more important things to do than answer my stupid questions. I will just sit here waiting patiently for you to get around to telling me what to do. As a good JW I don't think for myself at all.

Dear Gentile Morons

You know how fond we are of saying that half of all JW's are here to test the other half? You are here to test our half that is on its last nerve. Go rot!

We want you to think you're thinking for yourself. Thats the trick. See, if we can trick you to think that our words our your thoughts, we just sit back and watch you run your head into a brick wall. You think its persecution, but its just exhaustion, and your boss wondering why the hell missing a couple of days of work for your yearly indoctrination class makes you a better person. All you do is come back with another weird paperback book, and you get all pissy for a couple of weeks...

Glad to know you are waiting for our latest answer. Keep the questions though, we might have to change the answers around at some point.

AllTimeJeff

Dear Glubbering Booby

When is a birthday party not a birthday party bro's? I mean if its the anniversary of the day of your birth and you go out for a drink to celebrate, is this ok? Or if you have a cake on the anniversary of your birth, is THIS ok? Or if somone gives you a gift on the anniversary of your birth, is it ok to accept it?

But if its your BIRTHDAY, I guess none of this is ok. Have I got that right?

Thank you for your continued clear timely wisdom and guidance from above bro's.

Sister Mindf**k

Dear Gentile Sister Mindf**k

We love your name.

We have no idea why you are so pissy about not enjoying yourself one day a year. Honestly, you sound like celebrating your birthday would be a compelete waste of time. You sound as fun as frozen Jello. It sounds like the best birthday gifts you could expect are a Venus Razor for your upper lip and Nair. Maybe you'd like a lifetime supply of old lady pantyhose..... Sis Jaracz can hook you up!

Now if you were a brother, that would be different. But you aren't. You don't count.

Happy birthday, you 50 year old spinster virgin!

AllTimeJeff

Dear GB,

My boyfriend has a copy of the book "Reasoning from the Sisters" and he states that God wants me to serve his each and every whim. The other day he came into the kitchen while I was cooking and sporting an erection. He pointed to it and said "make it go away!." Am I required by decree to stop what I am doing and fix the problem?

A loving sister in Jah's service

Dear Gentile Loving Sista

HELL YES!

Specifically, using anything other then your mouth until he "lets you know" that his tent pitching is done is absolutely a biblical requirement. We do want you on your knees, but please face the other way....

brinjen

Dear All-Mighty-Blubbering-Boobly

Why, as a sister must I also attend meetings and field misery wearing skirts even when it's freezing cold? Why can't I be warm and cosy by wearing pants instead? It gets hard to concentrate on Brother Boring's talks when I'm busy freezing my ass off at the Kingdom Hall... I think it's affecting my spirituality. The other night at the meeting I found my mind wondering off to what I'd like to do to Brother Hotandsingle... I'm sure if I had been wearing pants this wouldn't have happened.

Help

Sister Singletoolong

ATJeff Answers Letters from JW Readers

Share this